It's days like this

Days like this I think I should apply for disability. I have been bedridden most of the day, barely able to move, entire body aching, sleepy, exhausted. At this point, I am lost. My medical insurance is very restrictive with doctors. I've made appointments anyway. I'll have to pay out of pocket. I cannot feel like this anymore. Sometimes I feel okay. Good even, but now it's been over a month that I've had no energy, no motivation, no intelligible thought process (of course, the illness has been raging for three years now). It has been hard to get out of bed, go to work, research for my freelance marketing and writing...

I probably have to cut back on the things I'm doing, stay away from stressful situations, start saying no, and asking for help. I asked for help today. There was no way my body was going to work. I had to get my shift covered. I only work three days a week, but come April 1st, it's supposed to be five. I'm terrified I won't be able to do it, that I won't have enough support, that I will only get worse. It's not a physical job, but mental exertion is difficult too. Standing is hard. Sitting is hard. Like today, it matters not what position I'm in - standing, lying, sitting, propped up in bed, everything hurts, and it is all exhausting.

People keep asking me if I'm still writing. I tell them yes, which isn't exactly the truth. I have projects that are started, started long ago,  but I fear I'll never finish them because of this illness. I cannot fathom sitting down at a computer and making up stories in my head and finding all the pretty, right words to use like I once did.

Recalling words is hard. Even easy ones.

I know I've complained a lot lately and I apologize. Days like today are so difficult to bear, and here, on this blog is where I like to vent. The only place right now that I feel I can get intelligible words to page.