It's days like this

Days like this I think I should apply for disability. I have been bedridden most of the day, barely able to move, entire body aching, sleepy, exhausted. At this point, I am lost. My medical insurance is very restrictive with doctors. I've made appointments anyway. I'll have to pay out of pocket. I cannot feel like this anymore. Sometimes I feel okay. Good even, but now it's been over a month that I've had no energy, no motivation, no intelligible thought process (of course, the illness has been raging for three years now). It has been hard to get out of bed, go to work, research for my freelance marketing and writing...

I probably have to cut back on the things I'm doing, stay away from stressful situations, start saying no, and asking for help. I asked for help today. There was no way my body was going to work. I had to get my shift covered. I only work three days a week, but come April 1st, it's supposed to be five. I'm terrified I won't be able to do it, that I won't have enough support, that I will only get worse. It's not a physical job, but mental exertion is difficult too. Standing is hard. Sitting is hard. Like today, it matters not what position I'm in - standing, lying, sitting, propped up in bed, everything hurts, and it is all exhausting.

People keep asking me if I'm still writing. I tell them yes, which isn't exactly the truth. I have projects that are started, started long ago,  but I fear I'll never finish them because of this illness. I cannot fathom sitting down at a computer and making up stories in my head and finding all the pretty, right words to use like I once did.

Recalling words is hard. Even easy ones.

I know I've complained a lot lately and I apologize. Days like today are so difficult to bear, and here, on this blog is where I like to vent. The only place right now that I feel I can get intelligible words to page.

Insomnia and other pesky ailments

I know you're probably tired of me talking about CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), but like I said in a previous blog, people don't get it. They don't understand it. They don't know how debilitating it can be. It causes things like insomnia. I have suffered insomnia for about three years now. Something I didn't know was connected with CFS. According to my FitBit, I never get more than four hours of restful sleep a night. Last night, I woke at 1:30 am and was up until 6 am. I did finally go back to sleep, but have no idea how this giant break in my sleep will affect my day.

Also, a follow up from last weeks blogs in which I walked to work...I've been paying for it. My entire body aches, I'm so exhausted, I've been having dizzy spells...I didn't walk to work yesterday, because I had some things I needed to bring there that would have been too burdensome to carry. This morning I needed to sleep as long as possible, so I won't be walking today either. I hope to get back to it tomorrow. I'm serious about fighting back. It may have put me out for a few days, but I'm going to get right back to it when I feel my body can handle it.

Luckily I have a job that is fun and doesn't take much physical effort. I can only handle  5 to 6 hours a day, especially when using my brain a lot. When I was trying to find a job, I was worried I wouldn't be able to find one that fit my needs. I was afraid I'd have to go on disability, which felt wrong because I'm perfectly capable of working, I just can't work a full time job. I even had to fight to get unemployment because I was only looking for part time jobs. I had to get a letter from  my doctor and have a hearing with a judge. Thankfully she understood. I'm glad to have a job in which I only work 6 hours a day,

I worry though, because come April, I'll have to work 5 days a week. I know that sounds lazy, but the struggle is real. However, I did work 5 days a week before for 5 hours a day and I did okay. I usually had to take a nap as soon as I went home. This job is different because my hours are noon to 6. There is no nap time. If I had my choice, I'd get up early and get things done, then go to work. But the reality is, working those hours, I need to sleep as late as possible to help me make it through the day.

I know it probably sounds pathetic to a normal person, but I can't reiterate how real it is. I used to be a person always on the go, always getting things done. I had endless energy and could write, clean, cook, exercise, take care of the kids, do the grocery shopping, help with homework...how I'm lucky to get one of those things in during the day. So believe me, it's frustrating. I wanted a curable diagnosis so I could get back to being my normal self. But what my doctor said is this,

"You have to come to the realization that you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You need to learn how to live with it. You need to learn how to love yourself with it."

I'm still learning.

Fighting Back

So, yesterday, if you read my blog, you know I walked to work. I did pretty good. Took me 40 minutes to get there. Worked 6 hours. Then I hosted an event at the wine shop for 2 hours. After that, I went to my older daughter's double header indoor soccer game. As the second game was starting, the exhaustion kicked in. That is probably the longest day I've had since the CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) kicked in more than three years ago now.

I do not want to let CFS define who I am. I haven't fought it much, because it's just too hard and tiring, but I want my body, mind and soul back. I'm ready to be fit again and lose this weight I've gained as a result of fatigue. My body has undergone many horrible symptoms caused by CFS -  it's not just about fatigue. It affects my sleep, which I've not got a decent night of in years. Causes joint pain, which I have in one knee and one elbow. Also, dizziness, allergies, and a plethora (one of my favorite words) of other fun physical problems.

Truly, I'd like to get my mind back as well. CFS is not just a physical illness, but a mental one too. I suffer from serious brain fog. At first I didn't realize that was a symptom of CFS. I thought (and maybe still do) that I had adult ADD because I couldn't focus. My writing has suffered. Probably why I've not completed another novel. Often when I'm speaking to someone, I can't pull up the easiest of words. Words anyone, even a child could remember and come up with. When I'm working on freelance writing, the thesaurus is my bible. My memory has suffered too. I also suffer from CRS (can't remember shit) which I worry annoys people I talk to often.

Now let's talk about my soul. I've been very open about suffering from depression and anxiety. Now, this I've suffered even before CFS, but having it doesn't help one bit. When, like me, you used to be active and witty, smart and productive, then suddenly you're more like a sloth,..it affects your self esteem and confidence.

So today I stepped up my workout. Instead of walking for a length of time, I chose to walk a distance. Then I walked 10 minutes more because I had to finish watching House Hunter. I mean, they were choosing a home in Hawaii! I had already invested 20 minutes.  Then I did some strength training. I mostly work on my arms, because, really, my legs ain't so bad. I want to get rid of what I like to call "Back Boobs."

I have to be careful though. If I overdo it, it could set me back a few days. I remember when I first started working out again, I went to this yoga class, which was more like yoga on steroids, and it took me out for a week.

So why am I sharing all this with you? For a couple reasons I guess. To make myself accountable. If I'm telling the world, I would feel a fool were I do give up before reaching my goals. Also, to raise some awareness for CFS. Those who don't suffer or know someone who suffer don't understand. I remember when I first started feeling tired I was getting the, "it's just the weather" explanation, of course, I'd been fatigued for over a year, so that couldn't be it. I was told, "you just need to exercise more" and at the time, I was kickboxing and walking regularly. Then I get people who say, "Oh yeah, I have to nap too," to which I ask, "for 3 hours? And do you have to set an alarm to be able to wake up for dinner or kickboxing class or etc etc etc."

It's really very frustrating. I mean, seriously, when I was diagnosed I was like, "that's a cop out diagnosis." But I know too well that it's real.

Thanks for once again reading my rant. I'll get there. I'm determined. I don't know how long it will take, but one of these days, I will find the balance I need to be a healthy, focused and productive once again.

Read more about CFS at the Mayo Clinic and the Washington Post. There's tons of info, just google.

What pain are you willing to suffer?

There was an article in the Huffington Post by Mark Manson recently that posed this question. Actually his question was - what pain do you want? What pain do you want to sustain?

 This is in respect to our wants. He asks those question instead of the standard question -  what do you want out of life? This is because we all want the same things so they don't really mean anything. We all want to be happy and healthy.

I don't think anyone WANTS to suffer pain, so I ask what pain are you willing to suffer?  That is the real question, and perhaps the key to if we will achieve the things we want out of life and how successful we will be at those things.

Just about everything we do takes a certain amount of pain, suffering and sacrifice, doesn't it? Maybe not physical pain, but mental, emotional?

I used to be a stay at home mom. When my kids went to school, this allowed me a lot of time for writing. When I got divorced I had to get a job. This took away writing time, kid time, cleaning time, shopping time. Basically half my day was suddenly gone.

But, I still want to write, I still want to be a good mom and that takes a lot of work and it can be very stressful.

What pain am I willing to suffer for my craft, my kids, my job, my health, my home?

I don't sleep well. I can probably count on one hand the good night's sleep I've had in the last three months. I'm not sure what it is completely. It could be stress, it could be that my mind works overtime and just won't shut up, it could be something else entirely that we haven't figured out yet. I've tried numerous ways to stay asleep, and none of them work consistently.

Me time. I have no idea what that is, really. I go to work, I get to my kid's events, I come home and try to work at writing or marketing,  or I clean the house or run errands. I used to get massages and pedicures and get my hair did. I can't remember the last time I did any of those things.

I suffer exhaustion. This has been going on for close to a year now, and it's about more than just the lack of sleep or exercise because even when I sleep well and even when I was kickboxing regularly I was still having to take these crazy long naps during the day. I think I've pinpointed something, but not sure. I try to fight my way through my tired time, which is early afternoon, but even if I do, I'm pretty worthless unless I'm getting errands done. I can't really write or work through it.

I'm a broke bitch. I work part time. I make enough to get by. I could work full time, I certainly have enough to do at work, but I have writing goals. I want to be there for my kids while they're still around. But I can't take all the vacations I want or have everything I want.

My household. This includes my yard, garden, laundry, general cleaning filing...etc. It's all lacking. I keep my house as clean as possible. It's hard with 2 of my own kids and others coming and going often. I try to garden. I usually start off strong in the spring but get busy and have a fairly black thumb and things end up dying. My yard at times makes my house look like an abandoned crack house and the laundry gets washed, then ends up in a giant pile to fold. I try to get my kids to help, but ya know, they're teenagers.

My health. I eat well most the time but lately I've not been willing to suffer the pain of exercise to get that body I want. And it's not so much suffering the pain because I LOVE my kickboxing classes. It's a combination of time, exhaustion and laziness and I would truly put laziness in about 10% with the other two making up 45% each. I've actually lost weight lately, but I'm not toned. My goal is to get back to it, I've just not found the motivation yet.

I can't keep a relationship. Maybe I don't want to, I don't know. I certainly don't have time for one to get too serious, and it seems the men I meet are ready to move in and get married right now. I'm nowhere near that. I'd like a companion, someone to hang out with, but, they need to have a place to go home. And I need my own time. Time to write, time for my kids, time to hang out with my friends.

I sometimes feel like a bad mom. This is an all encompassing pain for me. Though I try not to miss a soccer game or music gig, there are still things I feel I lack and lately I have been missing them like crazy and I know that's not all on me. They are teenagers and have their own agendas, but lately I think they've been feeling that lack of connection too. I've not cooked a meal in ages, we haven't just sat down and watched a movie together in forever. We're taking a day today. And we've decided that at least once a week we will sit down and cook and have a meal together and watch a movie or do something.


 I guess those are my levels of suffering I endure  for what I want. But I wouldn't say I WANT that pain. I deal with it because it's what I need to do right now for what I want in life. But I'm hoping all of it changes. I mean, at what point do we stop suffering? At what point does it all come into fruition?

So what pain are you willing to suffer to accomplish your goals?

F³A: I'll rest when I'm dead

People talk to me about my schedule quite a bit. They tell me I'm crazy, I need to slow down, I take on too much, spread myself too thin, while that's all well and good and at times I agree with them, I don't see any other way to survive.

Seriously, what other options do I have.

I've already talked about this in my relationship rant earlier (that was this week, right? Last week? Who knows anymore?)

I'm busy and I think I've finally figured out my afternoon sleep problems. I just have to get into the doctor and get it taken care of. I'd talk about it, but it's a little *cough* personal *cough*. But I've researched it and think I've solved the overtireness (yes it is a word, I just made it up) that will keep me from having to nap two to three hours a day so I can be more productive.

The important thing is, I always make time for me and for my friends. I make time to have fun and to live my life. It is not all about work.

AND this week has been a little weird and hellish, up and down. Lots of spending time in the rain and bitched out by a bitter, insecure woman, unfriended and blocked,  given a marriage proposition from across the globe, asked on a date by an ex boyfriend, and felt abandoned and lonely. However I've also felt flattered and sexy, accomplished a lot with my book this week, have witnesses some soccer wins.


I'm happy it's Friday and I'll be spending the evening with friends watching my brother's band, Smilin' Jack kick some serious funky ass while shaking mine. And if you watch The Voice (I don't) Stephanie Johnson who was on Tuesday night will be singing with them (she does some times and has an amazing voice, if you don't watch The Voice).

Wow, I think I just ranted again and had no intention to. I guess this week was mostly a ranting week. Oh well. Shit happens. Don't forget, to pre-order my friend Ian's book, enter to win Dissected, and read my preview (I realized my old one was from my proof copy and there were mistakes so I uploaded a new preview, should be no mistakes this time). Oh, hey and it's breast cancer awareness month, so go get a mammogram and be nice to your ladies.

Scribbles of the Week:
Pandora Queue Song: Such Great Heights by Postal Service on Postal Service Radio



Book of the Week: Going to go with Deep Six by Ian Thomas Healy. Like I said, go order it. Oh, and did I mention, these are not your children's superheroes.

Netflix of the Week: Breaking Bad Season 5. Had to get all caught up so I could watch the finale last Sunday. None of it disappointed. One of the best. Shows. Ever.

Quote of the Week: "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." ~ John Lennon

FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: The next step in the Indie Publishing Process

I finally got my typos typed up and sent off to Lori. She's on vacation though, so she'll get to them when she gets back. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

So, next steps...

New Dissected Cover

1. Set sale price and buy UPC code for book. I'm still debating this because I'd like to see a $1 for every book sold go to my favorite charity, Mary Bridge Children's Hospital. But I don't want to set the price so high people won't buy it. It's a little long than NE was, so I think I could set the price at $9.99 and still donate a $1 to MBCH. Or I could donate for awhile and see how it goes I guess? What do you think? Is $9.99 too much for a 216 page book?
2. Upload the new cover and book to Createspace and Lightning Source and get proofs from each.
3. Make sure they look good.
4. Start marketing.

I should be marketing already, but really, I've been so busy with life stuff and I'm suffering from exhaustion, which I'm hoping to take care of in the next couple weeks with a trip to my doctor (she's out of town for another week and a half).
 

Chaos

I'm making myself crazy again. I feel like I'm spreading myself too thin, but I'm not sure I have anything to show for it. The last week and a half has seemed really crazy.

I finished my rewrite, which was kind of a first draft since I changed direction in the middle, so mostly was just going back and making things consistent.

Last Monday, doctor appointment for Thing Two. Tuesday, music lessons for Thing two. Wednesday, doctor appointment for Thing Two, plus dinner out for her birthday. Friday night soccer game for Thing Two.

Don't get me wrong, Thing One has stuff too, but mostly on the social end. My house is full of teenagers just about every day eating my food, messing up my kitchen and basement, etc.

Saturday was the last of my three release parties which seems superfluous, I know, but was necessary.

Sunday was all day soccer (three games). Monday pick up Thing One from basketball game. Tuesday, coffee meeting and music lesson for Thing Two. Today shopping for bass guitars, doctor appointment, and choir concert all for Thing Two. Tomorrow Writing Celebration at a middle school. Friday coffee meeting to deliver auction items, then soccer game. Saturday book signing and birthday party. Sunday two soccer games.

That's as far as I can think ahead. I miss my driver. I think I may need to spend the money aned hire another one.

And all of the above in the midst of me working the day job, trying to figure out what to write next, trying to finish up guest blog posts, trying to plan talks at above mentioned middle school, plus school visits later in the month. Designing a poster for a group event next month, and keeping up with social media, which for a writer is very important, grocery shopping, keeping house clean, etc. Trying to plan, family vacation, trip to NY, and budgeting my vacation time for all this plus school visits conferences etc.

I'm exhausted again and I miss the sun. sigh.

This is me, just bitching, venting, using you, my readers as a sounding board. Sorry and thank you.

F³A: Tired, can't think

I'm spent. I've been working at promoting this book, I'm revising another, and yet I've started another.

I'm tired.

I can't wake up in the morning.

I'm excited beyond belief, but there is part of me that longs for the hype to be over.

Because I'm tired. Did I mention that?

Wanted to share a couple articles that came out in my local weekly and daily papers.

Tacoma News Tribune
The Volcano

I know I've already done this, but I want to thank you all for your support. This was a really long, long journey, and I don't know if you know how much your friendship and support means to me.

This experience is not one to be gone through alone. It's exciting yes, but it's frustrating, depressing, and annoying at times. You need people celebrating with you, commiserating with you, lifting you up when you fall down. That's you. Whether you're a fellow writer, a reader, blogger, family member or friend, you mean so much to me.

Thank you I would not have made it through without you. (I'm seriously getting choked up right now. Damn you!)

Friday Scribbles:

Random Pandora song: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane (why can't I put youtube videos on here anymore?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oextk-If8HQ&ob=av2e

Book of the Week: You would not believe how many books are coming out this month. I'm going to go with all my fellow Apocalypsie debuts for this month:
January 1, 2012
THE BOY PROEJCT (NOTES AND OBSERVATIONS OF KARA McALLISTER) by Kami Kinard (Scholastic)
LIVING VIOLET: THE CAMBION CHRONICLES by Jaime Reed (Dafina)
LOVE AND LEFTOVERS, by Sarah Tregay (Katherine Tegan Books/HarperCollins)

January 3, 2012
CINDER by Marissa Meyer (Feiwel & Friends)
THE CABINET OF EARTHS by Anne Nesbet (HarperCollins)
UNDER THE NEVER SKY by V. Rossi (HarperCollins)
CRACKED by K.M. Walton (Simon Pulse)

January 5, 2012
LITTLE DOG LOST by Mônica Carnesi (Nancy Paulsen Books)

January 10, 2012
THE GATHERING STORM by Robin Bridges (Delacorte)
DITCHED by Robin Mellom (Disney-Hyperion)
MAY B by Caroline Rose (Schwartz and Wade)
DESTINY'S FIRE by Trisha Wolfe (Omnific)

January 17, 2012
FRACTURE by Megan Miranda (Walker/Bloomsbury)
THE BOOK OF WONDERS by Jasmine Richards (HarperCollins)

January 24, 2012
EVERNEATH by Brodi Ashton (Balzer + Bray)

January 31, 2012
INCARNATE by Jodi Meadows (Katherine Tegen Books)
ARTICLE 5 by Kristen Simmons (Tor Teen)

Movie of the week: Bridesmaids. It makes me laugh so hard, especially the bridal shop and airplane scenes. "You’re more beautiful than Cinderella, you smell like pine needles and your face is like sunshine."

Quote of the week: "I've seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives." ~Tracy Chapman

It's Tuesday

So what? Sigh.

I'm afraid that once again I'm suffering exhaustion.  I can't sleep, my body and mind are tired.  Last night I was in bed by 5:00 pm.  5!!!

On top of that, this has been a bad time of year for me for about the last four years. My depressions always gets the best of me. Why?  No idea.  It just is.  I know it's busy for everyone, but it brings me down so much which bugs me because I LOVE the Christmas season, I do. The lights, the gifts, the food. sigh.

My driver quit, I think that's one reason I'm suffering.  I hired her when I suffered exhaustion before. My doctor told me to take it easy, and I thought that would be money well spent, which it was.  She picked up my kids from school, drove them to lessons, soccer, etc.  Now it's back to me.

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, and if you've ever lived in the PNW, you know how gray it gets this time of year.

And in general, I'm stressed out about this week because there are music lessons, and Dr. appointments, and choir concerts, and I have to put together and deliver about 55 gift baskets for the law firm, I need to do my Christmas baking, on top of work, rewrites, and being a mom, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking (which I rarely do anymore with kids schedules and such).

Good thing?  All my Christmas presents are bought.  Most my Christmas presents are wrapped and under the tree.  So, there, I'm ahead of the game.

Monkey Madness Monday:Torture and Blog Tours

So, this exhaustion stuff is over for the most part, and I'm really trying to be healthy and drop some pounds.  I promised myself I would get off my ass starting today and do yoga in the morning and something aerobic at night.

I got up.  I put my DVD in the machine.  but what I experienced was not yoga.  It was Jillian Michaels yoga, which is really some form of torture disguised as yoga.  I think she's trying to kill me.

I know, I bitch, I complain, I moan, I probably won't be able to walk for a week, but if I continue with this torture, I'm fairly certain within a few weeks I'll have abs of steel.  Okay, maybe not steel, but aluminum at least.  

Enough about torture.  I'm just giving you a heads up that there will be a Never Eighteen blog tour coming courtesy of Teen Book Scene. You'll find out all sorts of interesting stuff about me, the book, and the characters.  Don't worry, I'll remind you again.

 

Okay that is all for today.  Enjoy your Monday.

Wednesday Weigh In

Yeah, I know, haven't done this in awhile.  I've been, well, unfocused.  Starting to live right.  Again.  Maybe it will stick this time.  The great thing about each new day is that it has the potential of being a fresh start.  Started this "living right" on Friday, with only a couple, um, setbacks, and have lost 3 pounds.

I gained thirty pounds during my divorce crap.  My ex lost at least that much.  I think he gave it to me. ;)

It's been really hard because I've been suffering from exhaustion.  It's hard to get off my butt.  Once I'm able to do that (I'm really trying, believe me) I'll be able to shed more pounds.  My goal is 20 pounds by my release. (I'd like 30, but being realistic, not going to starve myself, I like food too much) 

So, here I go once again.  If you want to share your stories, feel free.

And my offer still stand about my youtube channel.  If you subscribe, I'll send you a signed bookmark.

F³A: Sigh, ugh, meh.

I've not been blogging as you may or may not be able to tell.  I've been too tired.  For the most part, I've been too tired to do anything but type and sit on my ass.  Apparently, according to my doctor, I'm exhausted.  They did some blood work to check my thyroid and iron levels.  Won't here back until mid next week.

I am one of the few people on the face of the planet unable to take iron because it makes me sick.  I have tried to get it through food, but obviously (if that's my main problem) it's not enough.

I could not even get out of bed this morning.  My kids are back in school (teacher strike over) and I had to find rides for them.

Hiring my girl Friday has helped, but it's not enough.  I'm going to also hire someone to clean for me.  I'm so tired.

Hence, the lack of blogs, hence, why I'm not at work today, hence why I haven't been able to exercise.  I did force myself onto the soccer field last week, but haven't really moved since then or before then.  I bought a yoga dvd.  I thought it would give me some balance and exercise at the same time and I could do it even if I was tired.  I haven't touched it.

So, I wait.  And sleep.  And lay around.

Send some good vibes my way.  Some good energetic vibes, please.

On a happier note, me and my girls are having a girls night tomorrow night.  No friends over, just the three of us.  We'll make dinner together and watch Bridesmaids.  Can't wait to see it.

Friday Scribbles (is that what I called it last week?)

Random iPod Shuffle Song: Tighten Up, Black Keys.  Love it.

Movie of the Week: Bridesmaids of course.

Book of the Week: Younger Next Year by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge MD.  My dad bought this for me ages ago.  I think it's time I read it.

Quote of the Week:   "Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion...I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.


Happy Friday.  Have a good weekend.

Thursday

I've got no pithy title for Thursdays anymore.  My brain is scattered with everything going on right now.  This time of year always makes me a little crazy, and with the release of Never Eighteen in a few months, um, crazy has turned into hysterical.  School, soccer, drivers ed, book everything, revising Sad, planning a release, marketing.  Too much at once.

I took three naps last week.

I don't nap.

No, seriously, anyone who knows me can tell you I'm not a napper. I hate napping because there are other things I could be doing.  But I think my body was rebelling against the perpetual motion.  It screamed, "Slow the f#@% down!!!!" 

So I hired a Girl Friday.  Yep. I did.  Can I afford it?  Probably not, but I need to keep my sanity.  And I need to get things done.  But when you have a day job, then have to drive your kids various places until 7 pm with soccer games on the weekend, time is fleeting, and I'm too tired to work on book stuff.

She starts Monday.  I've hired her mostly to drive my children around, but she'll also do light cleaning, yard work, errands etc, etc.  I'm pretty stoked about this.  It almost makes me feel important.  Almost, but not quite.

We'll see how things go.