Friday, September 27, 2013

F³A: Relationship Rant

So, you know I sometimes rant about relationships on here, so I'm going to again and yeah, it has a little bit to do with writing, so there it is.

I've broken up with my latest boyfriend. I'm not really worried about him reading this, of the handful of relationships I've had since my divorce I think only one of them still reads this and probably only on occasion.

At my age, and I'm sure most of you know at least around how old I am, I'm not secretive about it, I'm pretty set in my ways. I would expect that most everyone is. In our forties we have our families, we have our careers, our activities, etc, etc. At my age, when I meet a person of interest, I don't expect to change things about them and I don't expect them to change things about me.

I'm a busy person. I don't see that changing. There is nothing in my life right now that I can give up.

My kids. Um, yep, not an option, and with them comes soccer games, music gigs, and other mom/daughter stuff.

My job. Again, unless you make bank and you want to take care of me for the rest of my life (which I would never expect of anyone btw) and we have a legal binding contract that states that, um, yeah, I need my job, I love my job.

My health. I NEED to exercise. The only time I can go to kickboxing is at night and I was a super
duper flake about it while I was dating the BF. You like this body? It ain't staying this way by itself.

I need my time to myself and my time with my friends. At our age, any age actually, I think it is healthy and necessary to have interests outside of one another.

My writing. This is not a hobby for me. I love this. I work a job because I have to.  I will not date anyone ever again who does not take my writing seriously. Um, I was published by one of the top publishers in the world. Do you know how hard that is to do? Seriously?

I will also not date anyone who tells me maybe I need to go to work full time. The part time job I have pays more than many people's full time jobs and it pays my bills. Do I bitch about money? Yes. Sorry. Doesn't everyone? Even though the job pays my bills I'd still like some new Uggs or a bigger barbecue or to vacation somewhere sunny in the middle of winter.

The breakup was a hard decision. It was painful. I care for him a lot. We had fun together. He made me laugh. I tried to let him down easy. I told him I was just too busy. I had things I needed to accomplish, goals to reach before I could commit fully to the kind of relationship he wanted.

He pushed me though, did he really bother me that much, was he really that bad, did he suffocate me?

Yes. Yes he did. I had no time to myself. No time to write, to exercise. I was exhausted all the time.

Every Sunday night I would go to my girlfriend's house and watch Dexter. Every Saturday and Sunday up until the point that I left he bitched about it incessantly.

Why must I change my routine to please someone else?

I don't watch TV, I work. Go ahead, you watch TV, I'll just be working right here, next to you.

I'm going to kickboxing, why don't you go do something?

I'm going out with my girlfriends, why don't you go out with some friends?

I need to be alone, see you in a couple days?

No? None of that works for you? Bye.


Believe me, the space wasn't the only issue, just the biggest one.

To add insult to injury, he kept wanting to see me after we broke up. I said we could be friends, but it was too fresh, it was painful, I needed some distance first.

On his birthday he called me late and told me how miserable I'd made him since I'd broken up with him. How nice it was to hear my voice. How much he'd missed me. How much he loved me. How he just really wanted to see me. So I agreed to see him this Sunday.

Then I found out that two days after I broke up with him he had scheduled a date.

And that he'd been pursuing a beautiful blonde woman I went to high school with (did I mention I've known him for 40 years?)

So I called him on it and told him I couldn't see him Sunday. That I was hurt and we could probably be friends one day, but I needed some time and distance.

First he denied it, but you can't really deny things you post on Facebook.

So then I didn't hear back and was unfriended on Facebook and that's where it's at.

I'll tell you, it's painful, it hurts and I don't understand it. Maybe I don't understand men and all. Maybe I was just meant to be alone for the remainder of my life. Or maybe I'm just meant to finish the things I set out to accomplish before settling down or even dating. I don't know. I do know it shouldn't be that hard, not only to have a relationship, but to remain friends with someone. I don't know...

Okay, longish rant I know, just lots of crap on my chest. If you have any insight, bring it.

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My Dad. He's awesome.

John Messina, Personal Injury Attorney

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