Time to be thankful

I'm not going to do the usual "what I'm thankful for" post. This has been a hard year for me. I've faced a lot of adversity, some I'm still working through, and so, I want to see the positive side of these hardships I've been through this year.

And first off, I'm going to say to my Facebook peeps, this does not mean I'm back on Facebook. This automatically loads to Facebook from blogger. I don't even have to go there. In case you were going to accuse me of being weak and coming back. :)

1. Parent illness/aging: I still have my parents. I know a lot of people my age have had one or both of their parents already pass. And I do think about that. All the time, really. I actually do. I'm lucky. I know this. I can only think of one other friend that has both her parents. So, though we've seen some hard times this year, I'm so thankful they are still around.
2. Break ups: I had a hard break up earlier this year. It caught me by surprise;
   
   truly, I wasn't expecting it. I'm thankful that it happened though, because he was awesome. That time also made me reflect on myself, because since my divorce, I'd not been broken up with. It made me remember that I'm fallible and maybe it was time to regroup and focus on things other than dating.
3. School problems: My daughter's school pissed me this year. There were emails passed back and forth, meetings. I'm still not entirely pleased with the situation, but if I want it changed, I need to take action, which I'm going to do. But for the most part, I'm thankful for both my daughter's education. We are lucky to have the resources we do in the United States. Those resources may not be perfect, but I'm thankful my children have access to them in order to learn and grow as little human beings and to choose what they want to do with their futures.
4. Children: They face challenges through their lives. They challenge you. They
   
   cause trouble, drama, stress. Children make messes, cost money, don't contribute. So many reasons to dislike the wretched little things. Yet I am so thankful for these little souls I've brought into the world. They're my light. My life. I live for them. Without them, I would be nothing.
5. Friendships: I've lost one. For now at least. I've learned a few things along the path from this fall out. About me and about her.  I'm thankful for that. I also know now that I have things to reevaluate, and that will be a good thing. It doesn't matter how much time passes before our lives come back together, if they do. I will take that time to take control of some things in my life and reel them back in. I think the break in this friendship will be good for me.
6. Health: I've been tired, achy, I've had a swollen eye for most the year. I've had
   
   to sleep, I've not been able to exercise, or keep a clean house, or a nice yard or garden...but I'm grateful to have a diagnosis. To have a goal finally. To finally see if this can go away.
7. Things I can't talk about: Let's say they're stressful and can be ugly. But the ugly things in life, they educate you, they make you strong. They mold you. It's the hardest things that make you who you are. I don't dislike me. I need some work to be sure, as I'm sure most people do. I've gone through some hard stuff these last few years, but the person that has come out the other end...she's not so bad.

So, that's most of it. These are the things I've struggled with and the positive side of them. I don't want to dwell on the past or beat myself up about things. It's time to move forward. Get healthy, get control. I'd like to write, work, play, in a healthy, atmosphere that is conducive to they way I want to live life - with passion, adventure and wisdom...and maybe just a tiny bit of chaos.

I started last night, reaching out to people I've not talked to in a while, at least some of them, by text, wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too! Enjoy your friends and family see the positive in the negative and the light in the dark. Start the next year off on the right foot.

Yet Another Relationship Rant, as told in words and ecards

You guys like these, right? At my expense. :)

I'm frustrated. I think it's finally done, but I can't help but be frustrated. I don't think he'll read this, but I almost hope he does to see it from a different angle.

After the fall out and defriending some time passed and the ex boyfriend wrote on Facebook. He told me about a new job he got, told me I'm beautiful, wanted to talk. Then he texted and said he was going to be in town and could he take me to dinner, AS FRIENDS, his words, not mine, but I would have insisted it be that way anyway. Since he was trying to take a step toward friendship, I agreed. If he were just some schmuck I'd met online, I'd say, screw you, but I've known the guy 40 years. Our moms our friends. He's friends with my brother in law.

1) He's an hour early.
2) He asks not once, but twice, do I want to go out after dinner for a drink, both times I say no, I'm
tired.
3) He hands me the bill and asks me what it says (it is dark in the restaurant, but the waitress gave us a flashlight for our menu, he could have asked for it for the bill as well instead of showing me how much he paid).
4) When he dropped me off, he followed me into the house under the guise of washing his hands and then...wait for it...tried to kiss me.

I held up a HELL NO hand in front of my lips and told him he could have a hug and showed him out.

He texted me a couple hours later and told me I looked gorgeous and he had a good time. I wrote him back, thanked him for dinner and told him it was lovely, then thought to myself, why am I letting him off that easy?

I wrote again telling him I was NOT happy about him trying to kiss me to which he responded, " I said you were gorgeous. Sorry I'm a man."

Sorry, I'm a man.

Wow. Cop out much? Disrespectful much?

I told him I just want to be friends to which he replied he was hoping it could change some day.

He texted me later that night asking if I was awake, which I ignored.

He texted me the next day asking how my soccer team did.

He texted me the day after that telling me to check out a song. Then later that night with the gall to ask if I had dinner plans to which I simply answered, "Yes."

Nothing for four days, then Thursday he texted to ask if I still had his key, which when we broke up he told me to throw in the garbage.  Why would I have it? It felt like a ploy. Why did you ask? I write.

him: Because I liked seeing you.

me: So, what, you wanted to come get it so you could see me? Or to make sure I could still get in if I wanted to?

him: Just save it.

me: I told you I threw it away.

Friday I told him he needed to back off, that if we were ever to be friends, which he proved he could not be yet, he needed to give it time and space.

His reply, I have to let you go Megan. I get it. Take care.

Done deal, right? Oh no.

Sunday: Where are you watching the game Megan?

me: I'm at the ocean.

him: Lucky girl. When are you getting home?

me: Tomorrow.

him: May I call you?

me: I'm actually doing some writing. And is this what you consider backing off and giving things time and space?

Now this is him being passive aggressive:
him: Work on your writing Megan, have a good day.

To which I respond:
Not an answer, therefore I can only guess that I will hear from you again tonight or tomorrow. You are beginning to frustrate me.  Last night I told you to back off, today you're asking where I'm watching the game and when I'll be home. If you ever want to be friends again you have to back off.

him: I don't wanna be friends. Were we before that night??? (I'm assuming he's talking about the night we ran into each other and started dating, or who knows at this point)

me: I thought we were going to try to be friends. If not why are you still contacting me. I don't want anything else from you.

I'm starting to realize this:

I haven't heard back, so I hope that put the nail in the coffin. I feel like a heinous bitch, but seriously, at this point, I felt like I had no other recourse. I almost felt harassed.

And now this is how I feel:

Right now I'm focusing on my writing, my kids and hopefully getting past all this tired to get some exercise.  The weekend at the ocean (aside from all the texts from the ex) did me some good.

Dissected comes out in less than a month and I've already got a couple people reading Girl in Motion for me as I continue to write on A Tattered Life.

I'm keeping on keeping on so that I can get back to this:

F³A: Relationship Rant

So, you know I sometimes rant about relationships on here, so I'm going to again and yeah, it has a little bit to do with writing, so there it is.

I've broken up with my latest boyfriend. I'm not really worried about him reading this, of the handful of relationships I've had since my divorce I think only one of them still reads this and probably only on occasion.

At my age, and I'm sure most of you know at least around how old I am, I'm not secretive about it, I'm pretty set in my ways. I would expect that most everyone is. In our forties we have our families, we have our careers, our activities, etc, etc. At my age, when I meet a person of interest, I don't expect to change things about them and I don't expect them to change things about me.

I'm a busy person. I don't see that changing. There is nothing in my life right now that I can give up.

My kids. Um, yep, not an option, and with them comes soccer games, music gigs, and other mom/daughter stuff.

My job. Again, unless you make bank and you want to take care of me for the rest of my life (which I would never expect of anyone btw) and we have a legal binding contract that states that, um, yeah, I need my job, I love my job.

My health. I NEED to exercise. The only time I can go to kickboxing is at night and I was a super
duper flake about it while I was dating the BF. You like this body? It ain't staying this way by itself.

I need my time to myself and my time with my friends. At our age, any age actually, I think it is healthy and necessary to have interests outside of one another.

My writing. This is not a hobby for me. I love this. I work a job because I have to.  I will not date anyone ever again who does not take my writing seriously. Um, I was published by one of the top publishers in the world. Do you know how hard that is to do? Seriously?

I will also not date anyone who tells me maybe I need to go to work full time. The part time job I have pays more than many people's full time jobs and it pays my bills. Do I bitch about money? Yes. Sorry. Doesn't everyone? Even though the job pays my bills I'd still like some new Uggs or a bigger barbecue or to vacation somewhere sunny in the middle of winter.

The breakup was a hard decision. It was painful. I care for him a lot. We had fun together. He made me laugh. I tried to let him down easy. I told him I was just too busy. I had things I needed to accomplish, goals to reach before I could commit fully to the kind of relationship he wanted.

He pushed me though, did he really bother me that much, was he really that bad, did he suffocate me?

Yes. Yes he did. I had no time to myself. No time to write, to exercise. I was exhausted all the time.

Every Sunday night I would go to my girlfriend's house and watch Dexter. Every Saturday and Sunday up until the point that I left he bitched about it incessantly.

Why must I change my routine to please someone else?

I don't watch TV, I work. Go ahead, you watch TV, I'll just be working right here, next to you.

I'm going to kickboxing, why don't you go do something?

I'm going out with my girlfriends, why don't you go out with some friends?

I need to be alone, see you in a couple days?

No? None of that works for you? Bye.

WTF?

Believe me, the space wasn't the only issue, just the biggest one.

To add insult to injury, he kept wanting to see me after we broke up. I said we could be friends, but it was too fresh, it was painful, I needed some distance first.

On his birthday he called me late and told me how miserable I'd made him since I'd broken up with him. How nice it was to hear my voice. How much he'd missed me. How much he loved me. How he just really wanted to see me. So I agreed to see him this Sunday.

Then I found out that two days after I broke up with him he had scheduled a date.

And that he'd been pursuing a beautiful blonde woman I went to high school with (did I mention I've known him for 40 years?)

So I called him on it and told him I couldn't see him Sunday. That I was hurt and we could probably be friends one day, but I needed some time and distance.

First he denied it, but you can't really deny things you post on Facebook.

So then I didn't hear back and was unfriended on Facebook and that's where it's at.

I'll tell you, it's painful, it hurts and I don't understand it. Maybe I don't understand men and all. Maybe I was just meant to be alone for the remainder of my life. Or maybe I'm just meant to finish the things I set out to accomplish before settling down or even dating. I don't know. I do know it shouldn't be that hard, not only to have a relationship, but to remain friends with someone. I don't know...

Okay, longish rant I know, just lots of crap on my chest. If you have any insight, bring it.

Full frontal

I'm using it as a metaphor (is that the right word? I can never keep them straight.) for the unveiling of  truth about what I've been feeling lately. It will seem like this all has nothing to do with writing, but in the end it does.

Call it whining, call it self pity, whatever, but I've had all these feelings bottled up and I'm tired of feeling them.

Day job. It's hard. I've taken on more than I was ever supposed to. There is really no title or job description for what I do. I should be making the kind of money a professional makes, but I don't. However, I do enjoy it, so there's that.

Relationships. Me and the BF broke up. I did the breaking up though I liked him a lot. I had my reasons. I thought we could be friends, then I saw him, and I realized it was too soon because it's still very raw with me in fact I'm tearing up right now as I'm writing this because I really didn't want to let the relationship go, but knew for my happiness I had to.

Health. I've been exercising. I've been riding bike, playing soccer (I did pull a muscle, but getting back into it slowly, been stuck playing goalie), and walking a lot. I've found that I dislike running greatly (trying to stay away from the "H" word). I may try it again, but truly I can't stand it. I eat well. Pretty well. I like pizza every once in a while. I like to go to wing night, but I eat salads every week day for lunch, fruit, yogurt for breakfast. I never eat chips or other crap, I don't drink pop.

Money, let's just say ugh. Looking for more work or that second book deal.

I have been a little self destructive lately. I won't elaborate, but every so often I get in a funk, and I stay there until I feel like my own life is out of my control. And it doesn't matter if I'm trying to do good things for myself, as well, the bad always wins out. Because of this, my writing suffers.

I've tried to work on my revisions every day, I hate not seeing the stars on my calendar, and I've done okay, but I'm not very motivated and I've not done enough. I've been so tired. Sometimes I feel like the writing world is leaving me behind.

I started fresh Sunday though. I upped my game. I'm being good to myself, going to take time for just me (and my kids, can't ignore them I guess, right :)). I'm walking longer, (not riding bike right now because of a faulty tube, which I need to take back but haven't had time and can't afford to buy new tubes right now). I'm going to look at the positive in the things I do and try to ignore the negative.


And I'm going to finish these damn revisions and get it submitted. I'm going to get this second book deal.

*breathes deep, does Tadasana pose*