Curve balls, mistakes and soul sucking teens

Today is definitely a Monday. Yes a Monday.

In the last couple weeks I have had very dramatic ups and downs. I'm not talking speed bumps, I'm talking hills and valleys.  Steep climbs of elation and big drops of disappointments, annoyances, worry and facing things that are unknown.

The good: I've written quite a bit the last couple days and it's felt good.

The ugly: I realized I wasn't going to get my books in time for my release party (apparently there was an oversight on my part at Lightning Source, an approval I thought I'd done, which I hadn't) so I had to pay up the yin yang for expedited shipping.

The good: I went to the Seahawks game yesterday and it was a beautiful day and fun and I had a great time with family and friends.

The ugly: I have an issue with my car (totally  my stupid fault that I'm not going into) that's going to cost me money.

The good: My kids and I, aside from cleaning issues, are great.

The ugly: I was tagged by two teens in another state on Twitter, and when I jokingly said something about them making fun of an old lady, I mean, I am a teen writer, I thought I would try to engage. I was told to "fuck off" by one, then asked if I send nudes by the other. Um, dudes, you tagged me. Sooo, instead of dealing with that any more, I just blocked them.

The good: I finally got a decent amount of sleep last night, and I didn't even care
that I slept through the Walking Dead to get it.

The ugly: Relationships in my life, well, let's just say they're not easy.

My life is chaotic, I get that. Some of it I create, I know this. It's like I can't function without some amount of drama in my life, but some of this crap falls in my lap, unexpectedly.

I know I'm not mother of the year. I know I could be a better all around person. I have too many vices, my schedule is too busy, my house is cluttered, but I try the best I can and I volunteer my time and donate to charitable works. I try not to miss a soccer game or a music gig if I can help it and I always try to help my parents, family and friends out when they need me.

I guess I'm not really asking for anything in return, I already have much. I still have my parents. I have two healthy kids. I get along with my ex. People like my writing (I mean, some people hate it too but more people like it, so there's that). I have good friends, great family, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, a car to drive  (once I get my tire fixed).

I guess this is just one of my ranty venting blogs when I'm stressed out and you are my sounding board.

And those parent's of those boys on Twitter...they should have taught them better manners and to respect their elders. I mean, really...nude pictures...

Yet Another Relationship Rant, as told in words and ecards

You guys like these, right? At my expense. :)

I'm frustrated. I think it's finally done, but I can't help but be frustrated. I don't think he'll read this, but I almost hope he does to see it from a different angle.

After the fall out and defriending some time passed and the ex boyfriend wrote on Facebook. He told me about a new job he got, told me I'm beautiful, wanted to talk. Then he texted and said he was going to be in town and could he take me to dinner, AS FRIENDS, his words, not mine, but I would have insisted it be that way anyway. Since he was trying to take a step toward friendship, I agreed. If he were just some schmuck I'd met online, I'd say, screw you, but I've known the guy 40 years. Our moms our friends. He's friends with my brother in law.

1) He's an hour early.
2) He asks not once, but twice, do I want to go out after dinner for a drink, both times I say no, I'm
tired.
3) He hands me the bill and asks me what it says (it is dark in the restaurant, but the waitress gave us a flashlight for our menu, he could have asked for it for the bill as well instead of showing me how much he paid).
4) When he dropped me off, he followed me into the house under the guise of washing his hands and then...wait for it...tried to kiss me.

I held up a HELL NO hand in front of my lips and told him he could have a hug and showed him out.

He texted me a couple hours later and told me I looked gorgeous and he had a good time. I wrote him back, thanked him for dinner and told him it was lovely, then thought to myself, why am I letting him off that easy?

I wrote again telling him I was NOT happy about him trying to kiss me to which he responded, " I said you were gorgeous. Sorry I'm a man."

Sorry, I'm a man.

Wow. Cop out much? Disrespectful much?

I told him I just want to be friends to which he replied he was hoping it could change some day.

He texted me later that night asking if I was awake, which I ignored.

He texted me the next day asking how my soccer team did.

He texted me the day after that telling me to check out a song. Then later that night with the gall to ask if I had dinner plans to which I simply answered, "Yes."

Nothing for four days, then Thursday he texted to ask if I still had his key, which when we broke up he told me to throw in the garbage.  Why would I have it? It felt like a ploy. Why did you ask? I write.

him: Because I liked seeing you.

me: So, what, you wanted to come get it so you could see me? Or to make sure I could still get in if I wanted to?

him: Just save it.

me: I told you I threw it away.

Friday I told him he needed to back off, that if we were ever to be friends, which he proved he could not be yet, he needed to give it time and space.

His reply, I have to let you go Megan. I get it. Take care.

Done deal, right? Oh no.

Sunday: Where are you watching the game Megan?

me: I'm at the ocean.

him: Lucky girl. When are you getting home?

me: Tomorrow.

him: May I call you?

me: I'm actually doing some writing. And is this what you consider backing off and giving things time and space?

Now this is him being passive aggressive:
him: Work on your writing Megan, have a good day.

To which I respond:
Not an answer, therefore I can only guess that I will hear from you again tonight or tomorrow. You are beginning to frustrate me.  Last night I told you to back off, today you're asking where I'm watching the game and when I'll be home. If you ever want to be friends again you have to back off.

him: I don't wanna be friends. Were we before that night??? (I'm assuming he's talking about the night we ran into each other and started dating, or who knows at this point)

me: I thought we were going to try to be friends. If not why are you still contacting me. I don't want anything else from you.

I'm starting to realize this:

I haven't heard back, so I hope that put the nail in the coffin. I feel like a heinous bitch, but seriously, at this point, I felt like I had no other recourse. I almost felt harassed.

And now this is how I feel:

Right now I'm focusing on my writing, my kids and hopefully getting past all this tired to get some exercise.  The weekend at the ocean (aside from all the texts from the ex) did me some good.

Dissected comes out in less than a month and I've already got a couple people reading Girl in Motion for me as I continue to write on A Tattered Life.

I'm keeping on keeping on so that I can get back to this:

F³A: Relationship Rant

So, you know I sometimes rant about relationships on here, so I'm going to again and yeah, it has a little bit to do with writing, so there it is.

I've broken up with my latest boyfriend. I'm not really worried about him reading this, of the handful of relationships I've had since my divorce I think only one of them still reads this and probably only on occasion.

At my age, and I'm sure most of you know at least around how old I am, I'm not secretive about it, I'm pretty set in my ways. I would expect that most everyone is. In our forties we have our families, we have our careers, our activities, etc, etc. At my age, when I meet a person of interest, I don't expect to change things about them and I don't expect them to change things about me.

I'm a busy person. I don't see that changing. There is nothing in my life right now that I can give up.

My kids. Um, yep, not an option, and with them comes soccer games, music gigs, and other mom/daughter stuff.

My job. Again, unless you make bank and you want to take care of me for the rest of my life (which I would never expect of anyone btw) and we have a legal binding contract that states that, um, yeah, I need my job, I love my job.

My health. I NEED to exercise. The only time I can go to kickboxing is at night and I was a super
duper flake about it while I was dating the BF. You like this body? It ain't staying this way by itself.

I need my time to myself and my time with my friends. At our age, any age actually, I think it is healthy and necessary to have interests outside of one another.

My writing. This is not a hobby for me. I love this. I work a job because I have to.  I will not date anyone ever again who does not take my writing seriously. Um, I was published by one of the top publishers in the world. Do you know how hard that is to do? Seriously?

I will also not date anyone who tells me maybe I need to go to work full time. The part time job I have pays more than many people's full time jobs and it pays my bills. Do I bitch about money? Yes. Sorry. Doesn't everyone? Even though the job pays my bills I'd still like some new Uggs or a bigger barbecue or to vacation somewhere sunny in the middle of winter.

The breakup was a hard decision. It was painful. I care for him a lot. We had fun together. He made me laugh. I tried to let him down easy. I told him I was just too busy. I had things I needed to accomplish, goals to reach before I could commit fully to the kind of relationship he wanted.

He pushed me though, did he really bother me that much, was he really that bad, did he suffocate me?

Yes. Yes he did. I had no time to myself. No time to write, to exercise. I was exhausted all the time.

Every Sunday night I would go to my girlfriend's house and watch Dexter. Every Saturday and Sunday up until the point that I left he bitched about it incessantly.

Why must I change my routine to please someone else?

I don't watch TV, I work. Go ahead, you watch TV, I'll just be working right here, next to you.

I'm going to kickboxing, why don't you go do something?

I'm going out with my girlfriends, why don't you go out with some friends?

I need to be alone, see you in a couple days?

No? None of that works for you? Bye.

WTF?

Believe me, the space wasn't the only issue, just the biggest one.

To add insult to injury, he kept wanting to see me after we broke up. I said we could be friends, but it was too fresh, it was painful, I needed some distance first.

On his birthday he called me late and told me how miserable I'd made him since I'd broken up with him. How nice it was to hear my voice. How much he'd missed me. How much he loved me. How he just really wanted to see me. So I agreed to see him this Sunday.

Then I found out that two days after I broke up with him he had scheduled a date.

And that he'd been pursuing a beautiful blonde woman I went to high school with (did I mention I've known him for 40 years?)

So I called him on it and told him I couldn't see him Sunday. That I was hurt and we could probably be friends one day, but I needed some time and distance.

First he denied it, but you can't really deny things you post on Facebook.

So then I didn't hear back and was unfriended on Facebook and that's where it's at.

I'll tell you, it's painful, it hurts and I don't understand it. Maybe I don't understand men and all. Maybe I was just meant to be alone for the remainder of my life. Or maybe I'm just meant to finish the things I set out to accomplish before settling down or even dating. I don't know. I do know it shouldn't be that hard, not only to have a relationship, but to remain friends with someone. I don't know...

Okay, longish rant I know, just lots of crap on my chest. If you have any insight, bring it.

Frustration

I'm starting this blog without a title because I have a feeling I'm just going to whine and rant without any clear definition of what I'm writing about.

 I suppose that was a warning to you, this is nothing but a rant today...

I was going to title it Feeling Insignificant, but that sounded so pathetic.

But...

Lately I feel like I'm standing still while the whole world is running, gaining a greater and greater lead away from me.

I can't get my work done at work.  I have no many duties I can't keep up.

I can't get my work done at home. I finally did laundry and cleaned my kitchen last night after days.

I've barely written a word in weeks. I have a website I need to work on. A book that needs editing. My fall publication is at a standstill. It almost feels as if it will never get released.

I have no emails, no Facebook comments, no Tweets. This I blame on not having enough time to keep up with the world. No time to interact with my virtual people. People who at one time I'd talk to all day. People I miss.

If I'm not keeping up with the world, how will I possibly make any sales on my next book.

I think it's finally time to balance my world lest the rest of the world pass me by.

But how do you balance it all? I've asked this question before, I know, but I honestly
don't know how people do it. I work, I write, I edit. I coach soccer, attend music gigs and soccer games for my girls. I have a house, a yard, a boyfriend. I kickbox.

And then there's still this sleep issue I have. This utter fatigue that makes me so tired I have to sleep a couple hours during the day which drives me absolutely nuts and takes me away from things I feel I should be doing.

Last night I thought I would write. But after working, then having to take a nap, soccer practice, kickboxing...I had choices. I had piles of laundry to fold and a dirty kitchen, or I could write. I chose the former. I can let my house be in a state of disarray for a little bit, but after a while it nags at me, scratching metaphorical claws on the door of my mind.

I'm only 4200 words into this current book. That saddens me. How can I be a writer if I don't write?

I'm frustrated.

I think I finally found a title for this blog...

What is the proper venue for a rant?

It's this. And you are my audience. haha, lucky you!! I was about to post this lengthy ranting diatribe on Facebook as my update last night, when I sat and stared at it and said to myself, people don't really come here for this. They come here for our lies.

Oops, I mean lives.

Basically, we post the niceties in life, yes, sometimes our frustrations, but we don't take out our worldly problems on Facebook.

But here I can, because as my profile says, this is where I "rant, rave, and write."
 three reasons I think

1) The royal baby.  I don't give a shit about the royal baby. I'm happy that another happy couple is giving birth. Yes, it is heir to the throne in a country I don't live, but right now it's just a baby. I don't care, because there are bigger things in my life right now like...

2) Hearing five consecutive gunshots as I went from car to office that were close enough I thought the assailant might come around the corner and take me hostage. I ran, I also pulled the classic horror movie crap and almost dropped stuff and fumbled with my keys. If this were a horror movie, I'd be dead.

3) Facebook asking me what's on my mind.

So, as bitchy, whiny, or caustic as this may sound, I don't care about the royal baby. I don't care what kind of fucked up shit Justin Bieber will pull next. I don't care about the latest drug violation in the sports world. I don't care about the next celebrity death right now. Yeah, it's sad. Real people are born and die every day.

You know what I think about?

• Why my eyesight has deteriorated so quickly in the past few months.
• When my daughter will get past things.
• If my mom will be okay.

Sorry for being vague, I'm not going to bore you with details, but these are my real every day worries. Those are the bigger ones, I have tons of little shit too as we all do.


You know what scares the shit out of me?

• People falling out of rollercoasters.
• Dead bodies being found in trash bags.
• Women being held in basements for years with no one knowing.
• Someone being murdered simply for looking suspicious and finding no justice.

This shit scares me because it happens in our back yards.  This shit is real.

This could happen to my kids.

I read this quote from Elizabeth Stone when my first daughter was just a tiny speck of a human, but I will never forget it because it is so true.  “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”


The real stuff, the stuff that happens to real people all the time, and sometimes you never hear about it because it's real people stuff, that's what I think about.


Between work and writing and kids and other life stuff, I just don't have time to think about people-who-get-paid-way-too-much-for-what-they-do and their problems, antics, and escapades.


Sorry. I just don't.


Ahhhhh, I feel so much better.


Sorry to unload on you. Feel free to do the same in the comments if you wish.

SPAMMERS SERIOUSLY GO AWAY

You know, no one wants you here. Get lost. You're going to force me to use captcha and up to this point I've avoided it and Bloggers captcha doesn't always work for everyone.

No one cares about you. No one in their right minds are going to follow your links. Most people that come to my blog don't read Chinese although I used to find that amusing, I don't anymore. Seriously. Go away.

You have caught me on the wrong week, seriously, if I could reach out and bitch slap you through this monitor, I'd totally do it.

I mean, really, I've had this blog for years.  YEARS!!! Why all of a sudden am I being bombarded with spam now? UGH!

Many I've had a shitty few days.

Ptth!

Feeling sorry for myself

I don't really want to go into detail, but today I find myself feeling sorry for myself to the point of anxiety.

Yes, it has to do with the publishing biz.

This business is aggravating and frustrating. Sometimes I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. I mean, I'm strong. I've grown a thick skin, bad reviews don't bother me. There are certain aspects though that make me feel very alone in this business. Alone, neglected abandoned.

I'm know, I'm whining. If you're new to the biz, just got a book deal, be prepared. Yes, it's exciting and a giant accomplishment, but keep in mind, there are thousands of books being published every year. You are a very small fish in a sea of sharks. Go in ready to battle for yourself, your rights, your future.

Okay, I'm done bitching. Sorry for the rant, but sometimes it just needs to be done.

F³A: Mini Rants

For those of you who just started following, F³A is the Friday Free for All. Though this week has pretty much been a total free for all.

Now on with the ranting. Irritations, annoyances, and things people do to drive me insane.

I have come to the realization that my children are allergic to the dishwasher. I'm not sure what would happen if they were to actually touch it, maybe a breakout of hives the size of golf balls, or perhaps spontaneous combustion, but I'm sure it's bad, why else would they get as close as to put their dishes on the counter directly above it, but not open then door and place them inside. Perhaps there is a pill or ointment for that.

I'm a good mom. I let my kids have sleepovers. How do I get repayed? With attitude, back talk, and general grouchiness. Um, exactly why do I do this?

If I were to leave all the socks lying around the house that everyone takes off but does not put in the laundry room, I would have wall to wall socks. It would be much cheaper than buying carpeting.

Why is there always the one friend in the group that no one likes? Why are they there? Does anyone actually know where they come from?

I don't own pets. I'm allergic to pretty much every animal under the sun. So why do you think I want your dog in my house, running around, getting its hair all over my floor and furniture?

No I will not drive you to school because your hair is perfect. We live three blocks from school and I'm not even dressed. >:(

Um, just because I don't work outside the home does not mean I have all the time in the world to do things for you. I have a house to clean. I'm writing one book, querying another, and revising yet another. I'm blogging, I'm reading and doing book reviews. I'm grocery shopping. I'm exercising, and tending to my hygiene. And when I'm done with all my stuff for the day, I have approximately -5 hours to do your stuff. Get it?

Do not ask if your friend can come over in front of her. That is an automatic no. I've told you this a million times yet you keep doing it and then I'm the bad mom that never lets your friends come over.

I'm tired of taking out the garbage. I thought that's the ONE job that husbands are supposed to do.

Stop posting crap to my Facebook profile. I don't want to be hit with a pillow, I don't want your blingee postcard, I don't care if you said I'm hot or not. You muck up my page which mostly I use for my blogs and my writing.

Stop asking me to remember things for you. I barely remember my name most days.

No I didn't hear the car making that ticking noise. How can I tell you how long it's been going on if I didn't hear it? I do not pay attention to tiny noises, I'm not a mechanic, they all just sound like car noises to me. Plus, they are hard to hear when I'm blasting Nirvana or Green Day or Fall Out Boy anyway.

I think that's enough ranting for the day.

Movie of the Week: Couples Retreat (laughed my ass off)

Song of the Week: Mountain Man by the Crash Kings

Book of the Week: Dare to Be a Great Writer by Leonard Bishop

Quote of the Week: "Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me." ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Friday Free For All: Emotions, Friendships, and Life in General

I don't know where to start here. I'm not even sure what I want to say. I have so much going on inside me right now, I can't organize my thoughts, place them on paper in an orderly fashion so that they'll be read clearly and understood.

I'm an emotionally driven person. Sometimes that attracts people to me, sometimes it repels them. I'm full of angst, tears, passion, fire,I'm frenzied much of the time. I have thoughts and feelings roiling within me 24/7. I think it's why I don't sleep well, why I struggle with vices, why I write the stuff I usually write, and why I can only connect with very few people on a deep level.

Relationships are difficult for me. For some reason, I don't get too close, I think it's because when I do, there is always some amount of pain involved. I also don't like to commit to outings because I'm afraid that once that day arrives, I won't be able mentally to follow through. This makes me a bad friend in many ways I know, but it's something that I cannot help.

And what about virtual friends, the ones you meet in chat rooms, and on facebook, and other social networking sites. I'm sure everyone has them by now. How much of yourself can or should you give over to them? The ones I have, I've met mostly through my writing and youtube videos. Some of them I would consider very good friends. But honestly, how much of yourself should you give them? How much should you confide in them? Can they be trusted with your most guarded secrets, your emotions? It's a definite risk, right? Is it worth it? I don't have the answers to all that, but it's something I do struggle with.

And you know what, so many people don't even know who I really am. I think they see me as this playful, carefree, motivated vixen without a care in the world. That's not who I am. Not at all. It's a mask I wear to protect myself. I'm timid and insecure. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that makes me very vulnerable.

I know these may seem like random thoughts being poured out on a page to you, but believe me, they come full circle for me. Emotions, relationships, friendships, depression...oh yes, I haven't touched on that yet today. My life seems to be in some kind of holding pattern, where I go through the same mistakes, feelings, experiences, over and over again. And any of you who have been following my blog this year,knows that this time last year was not good for me. And even though things are definitely better, I find myself sinking back into a funk. I blame the weather. Yes, I know, it sounds like a cop out, but it's true. The gray skies bring me down. And obviously anti-depressants cannot fix it. SAD(seasonal affective disorder) is the price I pay to live in the northwest I guess. Last night I invested in Vitamin D. I'm hoping that brings at least a few rays of light through the fog. On a positive note, I don't resort to the self destructive things I used to do when I was younger. I just take it, and try to deal with it, heal, and try to make it stick.

My psyche morphs during the year. Ups and downs, happiness to self loathing. No matter how high I get on the ladder, I always fall down, just to make the long climb back up again. Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes I even think, maybe I don't want to be happy. But that's absurd, right? Why would anyone not want to be happy? I don't have the answers, but I do know I keep finding my way back down here.

The point? No point really, just ranting. Wanting to get these thoughts out of my head before they make me completely crazy. Maybe hoping maybe just one person out there can empathize, so I know I'm not insane.

That's all I've got.

Song of the Week: The Story by Brandi Carlile

Book of the Week: She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. Haven't read it in awhile, but have the urge again. I think many women can probably relate to this.

Movie of the Week: Girl Interrupted, in memory of Brittany Murphy

Quote of the week: "Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me." ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel,
Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America


Thanks for reading.

Kisses :*

Megan

Top Four Worst Jobs I've Ever Had: # 3 Multi Level Marketing

Yep. I did it. Yep I'm guilty. I was desperate to work from home after my children were born, and there really aren't many opportunities.

First I sold toys, Discovery Toys. Which was good because they were good quality educational toys. I had no problem selling the toys, everyone liked them, but the way you really make the money is to sell the selling of the toys, and get people to host parties. This is what I wasn't good at, high pressure coercion. Trying to talk people into selling toys? Right. I'm just not the pushy sort.

The other one I tried was this natural body product company, who equivocated themselves to Costco for body products. This was bull. People had to sign up for an online membership, and overpay for products they can buy in their home town without shipping costs on top of it. Plus, there was a minimum amount they had to purchase per month. So, you had to sign people up to purchase their products, AND you had to find people to recruit others. It was a sham from the beginning. A nightmare really.

So there it is, #3 worst job, if you can even call it that. Never never do multi level marketing, you'll always end up putting more money into it then you get out of it.

Friday Free For All

I don't think I was quite done ranting this week.

Jesus bumper stickers. Why? Do I really need to honk if I love Jesus? If I don't honk, do you assume I'm a Jesus hater? And really, if everyone who loved Jesus honked, the streets would be noisy, dogs would be howling and babies would be crying. And really, is your driving THAT good? Maybe they're not honking at you because they love Jesus.

Okay, now this one will cover bad drivers and irresponsible dog owners. I mean, really, is there a reason to teach your dog to drive? That must be what you're doing, otherwise why would the dog be on your lap? You obviously do not know how dangerous it is to let a dog drive. They don't even have opposable thumbs.

And you, yeah you, the one eating with one hand and drinking with another, what the heck are you steering with?

And don't even get me started on texting while driving. You cannot look at your phone screen and look at the road at the same time. Hands free means hands off the phone, not off the steering wheel. Just sayin'.

I know I mentioned inattentive parents, but overprotective ones can be just as bad. Your child will not die if they eat dirt, they will not die if they don't eat organic, and they will not die if they play in the rain. They will however be missing out on some great experiences, good food, and serious fun.

Just more of my two cents.

CD of the week: The Fray One of my favorite new bands (kind of new) Also check out their rendition of Kanye's Heartless. Very good.

TV Show of the week: Still watching Heroes, almost done with Season 3

Movie of the week: Ghost Town. Not side ripping funny, but I did giggle a lot.

Book of the Week: Fresh Kills by Bill Loehfelm. Watch for a review on it in the next couple weeks.

Thanks for reading. catch you on the flip side.

Kisses

:*

Megan