"I've spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart." ~Astrid AlaudaI've seen a lot of this lately. It is rampant in the writing business and of course in many other arenas. I've been guilty of it myself. It's one thing to feel it though, it's another to act on it.
When I'm feeling jealous, I will normally find a confidante and vent. That way, I get it out without hurting feelings, without letting the target of my jealousy know I'm feeling ugly about them. I think that's okay. No one gets hurt (unless of course your confidante has a big mouth, but I think I've chosen well where confidantes are concerned).
I've also had someone come straight out and tell me they were jealous of me. That's okay too. You're being honest and you're not letting it take you over. In a sense, when you admit it, you're setting it free. As long as you admit it in a nice way.
To spew your jealousy out in a venomous, hateful diatribe is wrong. And usually, we do this to people we supposedly care about, our family, our friends, the people that are closest to us.
My suggestions, if you're think of doing this face to face, bite your tongue. If you're writing an email, get it all out, then delete it.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion, there's no way of stopping it, but you do have choices regarding how to tame the beast.
Jealousy is something that I think we all, as writers, have experience with. I know I've been on both sides. Although it's wonderful to be surrounded by successful writers, writers who are selling novels and moving forward in leaps and bounds, sometimes it's difficult to not be a little bit jealous. But I've found that I can be jealous and still be happy and excited for that person and their success, that those things are not mutually exclusive. I've also found myself on the receiving end in my real-world writing group after I started having some luck publishing short stories. Suddenly they did everything they could to belittle my writing, my efforts, and the fact that I was just a short story writer. So I think you're right that while there's really no harm in feeling the jealousy, acting on it is an entirely different matter.
ReplyDeleteYup, jealousy is ugly all right.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, people need to wonder: "Why am I jealous?"
If it's because the other person is more talented, then practice, practice, practice.
If the person seems more 'lucky'...well what can you do about that?
I think people get jealous because it reminds them of their own shortcomings or life's dissatisfaction, and, really, what can any other person do about that??
:)
HUGS to M!
Thank God I haven't experienced this recently. Er.
ReplyDelete*rolls eyes.*
and, yes, I find the best thing for me to do when I am jealous of someone I am close with is to come right out and spill it. Speaking of which, MUST YOU be so cute and funny and knee-socky? ;)
I think there's a difference between feeling wistful that you haven't experienced the level of success someone else in your field has experienced (and perhaps wondering why?), and resenting that person for his or her success to the point that you want to take it away from them or would like to see them fail. Both could be described as "jealousy" but they really aren't the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI also have a trusted confidante or two who will let me vent on those days when it all gets to me. I think trying to ignore or suppress those feelings is not the best idea (for me anyway).
I wish I could be the one other's were jealous of..lol.. It does suck..having that ugliness..idk..I'm happy where I'm at
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. I think it's impossible not to feel some level of jealousy when you see people around you succeeding. But you have to control it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've often been conflicted with jealousy and excitement for the person succeeding, just ask Gae. I used to often tell her, "I wish I had your problems."
Now, I'm not so sure. ;)
Thanks for reading guys.
Maybe another problem with the kind of venomous jealousy you caution against is that the perpetrator often doesn't realize that they're feeling jealous. You guys all recognize your normal feelings of "wistfulness", which isn't dangerous or antagonistic. But if the jealous-rager thinks they have some other cause on their agenda, then they may not control themselves -- it gets lashed out. With sad repercussions...
ReplyDeleteIf you've been at its mercy, you probably have to let it go and move on.
PS - I'm super-jealous you and Gae are getting published. But you're wonderfully talented and you deserve it!!
xo Barbara
Every time I see another writer make it on the ABNA threads I have a little - Oh, why can't that be me...sigh. But then I feel happy for them. How can I not? Most of the gang on there are so nice. I do get a feeling of being left behind but that doesn't usually translate into jealousy.
ReplyDeleteIf I think someone thinks they're better than me, and I feel like they're acting like they're better than me, and they are doing better than me, then I can get a case of the uglies. I admit it. But I do my best to keep it to myself or confide in a friend, not slag on them. But I'm human, sometimes crap oozes out.
It's funny... I think I only feel that sort of spiteful, ugly thing when I feel like someone gets something before they deserve it. I can be quite rotten about Stephenie Meyer for instance, who I think should have been forced through about 3 years of rewrites. --people who stumble in and succeed without the legwork... that can bug me.
ReplyDeleteWhen the people I'm meeting 'out there' have great successes though, I just feel a bubbling excitement of rubbing shoulders with people who this is HAPPENING for... it makes me believe it can happen for me, too.
Maybe that is me being too confident... maybe I will get more bitter, but I guess in other domains I typically don't lump myself in exactly the same mold, so I don't really feel like I WANT to apply the same metric... that means they don't have something I should have--they have something DIFFERENT, and I will eventually GET what I should have.
@Barbara, thank you much. And Gae has tirelessly worked to help others succeed in this business too. And I have tried to help, but not sure how good I am at it. ;)
ReplyDeleteLisa, Crap oozes out, lol. It's true though right?
Hart, I felt the same way when I found out that Gae made it. Someone I was close to got there, so I could, right? It's not this distant dream that seems so unreachable anymore. It can be done. :)