Jealousy

"I've spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart."  ~Astrid Alauda

I've seen a lot of this lately.  It is rampant in the writing business and of course in many other arenas.  I've been guilty of it myself.  It's one thing to feel it though, it's another to act on it.

When I'm feeling jealous, I will normally find a confidante and vent.  That way, I get it out without hurting feelings, without letting the target of my jealousy know I'm feeling ugly about them.  I think that's okay.  No one gets hurt (unless of course your confidante has a big mouth, but I think I've chosen well where confidantes are concerned).


I've also had someone come straight out and tell me they were jealous of me.  That's okay too.  You're being honest and you're not letting it take you over.  In a sense, when you admit it, you're setting it free.  As long as you admit it in a nice way.


To spew your jealousy out in a venomous, hateful diatribe is wrong.  And usually, we do this to people we supposedly care about, our family, our friends, the people that are closest to us.


My suggestions, if you're think of doing this face to face, bite your tongue.  If you're writing an email, get it all out, then delete it.


Jealousy is a natural human emotion, there's no way of stopping it, but you do have choices regarding how to tame the beast.

F³A: Fallible Me

In light of certain recent events in my life, I've been forced to take a step back and look at myself long and hard. You know what I've found? I'm not perfect. I know, I know, it's hard to believe, but apparently my ying traits also have a yang, balancing me on a tight rope between good and evil.

I'm a nice person for the most part. Unless of course you piss me off, and if you do, I will probably just try and avoid you and not talk to you, but if it comes down to it, we will have words.

I will invite you to my parties. And they're fun. And you will enjoy yourself.
Will I come to yours? Maybe not, but don't judge me for it. I try not to plan anything too far in advance. As I never know how I'm going to feel on any given day. My mental health makes me very tired, and makes me anti-social at times, especially if I have to go alone. Know that I love you though.

Am I a reliable friend? Yes. I will be there for you when you call on me,in most cases. The only times I remember turning people down is when I'm at my lowest.
Am I unreliable? Yes. I will not offer unless asked. You see, life for the most part is chaos. Between writing, revising, querying, submitting, reading, reviewing, basketball, soccer, cleaning, shopping, cooking, homework, etc, etc, I actually don't have a lot of time on my hands.

Am I giving? Yes. I give sometimes until it hurts. I give things I don't even have.
Do I take? Apparently so. Apparently I've taken to where I've hurt others. Not purposely, I'd never do that, but still, it's been done.

Am I selfless? I've had my moments, that's all I'll say about that.
Am I selfish? Yes. I have been. I think sometimes we get so caught up with ourselves and what we're doing we put blinders on and forget to see and react to the things happening around us.

I'm forgiving. No matter what you do, as long as it does not harm someone I love, and then it's on a situational basis, I will forgive. And I hope it turn, I am worth forgiving.

I can't really describe what kind of person I am. I'm emotionally drive and full of angst. This much I know. Other than that, I'm a walking contradiction. I'm sweet and bitchy, flirty and demure, shy and outgoing, strong and weak, narcissistic and modest.

Sometimes I'm a good friend and sometimes I'm a bad friend. I will say that my moments of badness are never intentional, and for the most part, I don't even realize what I've done until it's too late. That's just me. I'm flawed. I'm fallible. I'm human.