Angst Defined

angst¹

NOUN:

A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression
 
This is me in a nutshell.  The reason I call myself the Angsty Writer.   I truly believe this anxiety and depression makes me a better writer.  I always find the words flowing quickly onto the page when I'm at my most, well, angsty.  I also can ONLY write poetry so far when I feel this way.  It's crazy, I know, but it's me.

This is why I rant and rave.  Why I cry.  I think it's why I mostly write about dark places and death.  Why most my main characters need to be hurt in some way shape or form.  It's like literary cutting. :)

I've said this a million times, writing is a form of therapy for me.  

I am middle aged emo. 

Of course, I'm not all gloom and doom.  I also have my fun quirky flirty side, but that doesn't usually surface when I write.

And now for your reading pleasure (or displeasure) from my novel that may never see the light of day, Lockdown, a very angsty excerpt. :)

      I followed the trail of blood, his blood, a result from his body being dragged across the floor.  That was the red carpet that led to my Pulitzer, my Emmy, my shot at an anchor position.  When I woke up that morning, I would have done anything to get ahead.  At that moment, I regretted every decision I’d made that day, starting with selling out Justice, to entering that Godforsaken school.  That red carpet led from Kevin, past the body of the teenage boy, and out into the hall. 

     I didn’t want to go back the way I came.  I didn’t want to breathe in that stench of death emanating from that classroom with the dead girl.  I passed offices, and the library, which I made the mistake of glancing into.  Blood, everywhere.  Crying.  Bodies.  McGrath would have loved film of that.  No way was I turning that camera on again.

     I passed a staircase, an empty art room, thank God for that, more offices, classrooms, the auditorium.  There was something up ahead on the floor.  I tried to look straight ahead as I passed.  I knew it was a body, blood drying on the floor encircling it.  I couldn’t help from glancing.  The head was gone, nothing but a red, bleeding nub where the neck used to be.  That’s when I started to run.  There was a door at the end of the hallway, the window smashed out.  I threw the camera out the window, I didn’t care if I damaged it, or how much it would cost to fix.  They could take it out of my check for all I cared.

     As I climbed out the window, I was met by a police officer who helped me the rest of the way out.  I picked up the camera, and was led back down the hill, and across the street to the Wal-Mart parking lot, and the empty news van.  I leaned against it, the keys having been in Kevin’s pocket.  I took my cell from my pocket and dialed Mr. McGrath.

     “I need a ride home,” I said.

Ciao, 

Megan

Lock Down

The other day I received a text from my 12 year old at about 2:55. She normally gets out at 2:45, then walks to her sister's elementary, where I pick them both up. I was at the grocery store picking up a few things, then moving on to pick them up.

The text said, mom this is Mary we are in a lock down don't text me back.

Scary.

It wasn't from her cell phone either, and she always has her cell phone on her.

What do you do?

I had another kid getting out of school shortly.

So, I head to the elementary and waited. I felt helpless. There was no sense going to the middle school, there was nothing I could do. I just hoped it would be over soon and I would hear from her and everything would be all right.

For 20 minutes I felt helpless. She called at 3:15. Once again not from her own phone. "It's over, I'm on my way."

Whew.

An 8th grader had brought a gun to school. I don't know what his intentions were, but apparently other kids saw it, reported it, and things were handled quickly and expertly. Things could ended differently. Another Columbine, who knows?

I've always been open and honest with my kids about everything. And I think it's so important to talk to our kids about school violence, and the importance of reporting if they see a weapon on the school grounds. It could mean their life, or the lives of their teachers and friends.