Friday, January 8, 2010

Friday Free For All: Emotions, Friendships, and Life in General

I don't know where to start here. I'm not even sure what I want to say. I have so much going on inside me right now, I can't organize my thoughts, place them on paper in an orderly fashion so that they'll be read clearly and understood.

I'm an emotionally driven person. Sometimes that attracts people to me, sometimes it repels them. I'm full of angst, tears, passion, fire,I'm frenzied much of the time. I have thoughts and feelings roiling within me 24/7. I think it's why I don't sleep well, why I struggle with vices, why I write the stuff I usually write, and why I can only connect with very few people on a deep level.

Relationships are difficult for me. For some reason, I don't get too close, I think it's because when I do, there is always some amount of pain involved. I also don't like to commit to outings because I'm afraid that once that day arrives, I won't be able mentally to follow through. This makes me a bad friend in many ways I know, but it's something that I cannot help.

And what about virtual friends, the ones you meet in chat rooms, and on facebook, and other social networking sites. I'm sure everyone has them by now. How much of yourself can or should you give over to them? The ones I have, I've met mostly through my writing and youtube videos. Some of them I would consider very good friends. But honestly, how much of yourself should you give them? How much should you confide in them? Can they be trusted with your most guarded secrets, your emotions? It's a definite risk, right? Is it worth it? I don't have the answers to all that, but it's something I do struggle with.

And you know what, so many people don't even know who I really am. I think they see me as this playful, carefree, motivated vixen without a care in the world. That's not who I am. Not at all. It's a mask I wear to protect myself. I'm timid and insecure. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that makes me very vulnerable.

I know these may seem like random thoughts being poured out on a page to you, but believe me, they come full circle for me. Emotions, relationships, friendships, depression...oh yes, I haven't touched on that yet today. My life seems to be in some kind of holding pattern, where I go through the same mistakes, feelings, experiences, over and over again. And any of you who have been following my blog this year,knows that this time last year was not good for me. And even though things are definitely better, I find myself sinking back into a funk. I blame the weather. Yes, I know, it sounds like a cop out, but it's true. The gray skies bring me down. And obviously anti-depressants cannot fix it. SAD(seasonal affective disorder) is the price I pay to live in the northwest I guess. Last night I invested in Vitamin D. I'm hoping that brings at least a few rays of light through the fog. On a positive note, I don't resort to the self destructive things I used to do when I was younger. I just take it, and try to deal with it, heal, and try to make it stick.

My psyche morphs during the year. Ups and downs, happiness to self loathing. No matter how high I get on the ladder, I always fall down, just to make the long climb back up again. Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes I even think, maybe I don't want to be happy. But that's absurd, right? Why would anyone not want to be happy? I don't have the answers, but I do know I keep finding my way back down here.

The point? No point really, just ranting. Wanting to get these thoughts out of my head before they make me completely crazy. Maybe hoping maybe just one person out there can empathize, so I know I'm not insane.

That's all I've got.

Song of the Week: The Story by Brandi Carlile

Book of the Week: She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. Haven't read it in awhile, but have the urge again. I think many women can probably relate to this.

Movie of the Week: Girl Interrupted, in memory of Brittany Murphy

Quote of the week: "Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me." ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel,
Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America

Thanks for reading.

Kisses :*

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