Time to be thankful

I'm not going to do the usual "what I'm thankful for" post. This has been a hard year for me. I've faced a lot of adversity, some I'm still working through, and so, I want to see the positive side of these hardships I've been through this year.

And first off, I'm going to say to my Facebook peeps, this does not mean I'm back on Facebook. This automatically loads to Facebook from blogger. I don't even have to go there. In case you were going to accuse me of being weak and coming back. :)

1. Parent illness/aging: I still have my parents. I know a lot of people my age have had one or both of their parents already pass. And I do think about that. All the time, really. I actually do. I'm lucky. I know this. I can only think of one other friend that has both her parents. So, though we've seen some hard times this year, I'm so thankful they are still around.
2. Break ups: I had a hard break up earlier this year. It caught me by surprise;
   
   truly, I wasn't expecting it. I'm thankful that it happened though, because he was awesome. That time also made me reflect on myself, because since my divorce, I'd not been broken up with. It made me remember that I'm fallible and maybe it was time to regroup and focus on things other than dating.
3. School problems: My daughter's school pissed me this year. There were emails passed back and forth, meetings. I'm still not entirely pleased with the situation, but if I want it changed, I need to take action, which I'm going to do. But for the most part, I'm thankful for both my daughter's education. We are lucky to have the resources we do in the United States. Those resources may not be perfect, but I'm thankful my children have access to them in order to learn and grow as little human beings and to choose what they want to do with their futures.
4. Children: They face challenges through their lives. They challenge you. They
   
   cause trouble, drama, stress. Children make messes, cost money, don't contribute. So many reasons to dislike the wretched little things. Yet I am so thankful for these little souls I've brought into the world. They're my light. My life. I live for them. Without them, I would be nothing.
5. Friendships: I've lost one. For now at least. I've learned a few things along the path from this fall out. About me and about her.  I'm thankful for that. I also know now that I have things to reevaluate, and that will be a good thing. It doesn't matter how much time passes before our lives come back together, if they do. I will take that time to take control of some things in my life and reel them back in. I think the break in this friendship will be good for me.
6. Health: I've been tired, achy, I've had a swollen eye for most the year. I've had
   
   to sleep, I've not been able to exercise, or keep a clean house, or a nice yard or garden...but I'm grateful to have a diagnosis. To have a goal finally. To finally see if this can go away.
7. Things I can't talk about: Let's say they're stressful and can be ugly. But the ugly things in life, they educate you, they make you strong. They mold you. It's the hardest things that make you who you are. I don't dislike me. I need some work to be sure, as I'm sure most people do. I've gone through some hard stuff these last few years, but the person that has come out the other end...she's not so bad.

So, that's most of it. These are the things I've struggled with and the positive side of them. I don't want to dwell on the past or beat myself up about things. It's time to move forward. Get healthy, get control. I'd like to write, work, play, in a healthy, atmosphere that is conducive to they way I want to live life - with passion, adventure and wisdom...and maybe just a tiny bit of chaos.

I started last night, reaching out to people I've not talked to in a while, at least some of them, by text, wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too! Enjoy your friends and family see the positive in the negative and the light in the dark. Start the next year off on the right foot.

How to face adversity

I've faced a lot of adversity in my life, but in the last few months, I've seen quite misadventures are just beginning), I've learned a few things, and here they are.
a bit. I admit to getting frustrated and angry. I've cried, yelled and  complained. While sometimes an ugly cry is good, and it feels great to yell a little, there are better ways to get through the bad times. Looking back at these last few months, and forward to the next (I fear some of my

• Prepare yourself: Get in the right mindset. If you're fighting against someone, do your homework. If you need to do research to back yourself, make it happen. Come guns blazing (not literally, figuratively, no violence please). If what you're facing isn't necessarily a battle then prepare yourself by still, having your mind right, taking care of the things that need care taking. I know sometimes it's hard to prepare for adversity, sometimes it happens unexpectedly, but if you can, do.
• Be brave: When it hits, don't back down. Face it full force. Don't even think about it. If you think about it, it will bring you down.
• Be resilient: If it hurts, whether emotionally, physically, mentally, take a deep cleansing breath and bounce back. Don't let it get you down for long, especially if you are battling with another party. If you do, you are letting them win. Take your punches and get back up.
• Be strong: You may have to be strong for yourself. You may also have to be strong for those around you, whether it be a child, spouse, co-worker, friend or neighbor. Be a support. Be a brick wall. Be a stronghold.
• Exercise: This is where I have failed. Do not under any circumstance let your sadness, frustration whatever, keep you from exercise. Exercise will only  make you feel better and more confident. It will give you a release. Use it.
• Don't forget about you: Take care of yourself during these times, whether it's the loss of a loved one, a fight, a problem at work, anything...don't
  
  forget about you. Take a walk, a bath, get a massage, a pedicure, hit some golf balls, whatever makes you feel good and special. Do it.
• Find your support system:  Just as you need to be strong and support others, you need a support system too. Find it. Find the friends you can talk to.  Family member. Counselor. We all need someone to lean on in hard times. Be careful though, sometimes those close to the same situation are not the best choice, even though they may seem like it. They are probably as stressed out as you about it. Make a judgment call depending on the situation.

Now, don't take this advice as gospel. I'm not saying these are surefire ways to beat adversity. And you still may not win the war, but whether you have a sick family member, or are warring with a neighbor or insurance company, I think these tips may help you get through the battles with a little more confidence.

Monkey Madness Monday: More to Walk Away With & a Little MLK

Don't you hate when you go away for a weekend for some R&R and you come back feeling like you never left.  I'm at the ocean. It's been a blast, but I don't feel rested. Which is fine. I've done a lot here: shopped, won some money at the casino, went to the beach, watched movies, played games. I didn't get to write though, which is my fault because I used to get up early. Now I sleep in. But now I stress because I have some projects to finish up.

Another thing happened too, and this is mostly what this blog is about today. This weekend I found out a writer friend died last July. He wasn't a great friend, I suppose more like an acquaintance, and I only knew him virtually, but still, he has been a pretty constant presence for me for five years. This is the third person in my virtual writing world that has passed in the last few years. It's strange because you suddenly wish you had talked to them more, found out more about them, instead of just joking around poking fun at the writing life and making gentle fun of noobs. So I took some time looking him up. I looked up past posts on a forum we were on together. Found a video on youtube. I know, it probably sounds totally psycho and stalkerish, but I wanted just a little bit more of him to walk away with.

I'd like to say that I'm going to go out and touch everyone's lives today. But it's hard to spread yourself that thin. I already have my personal friends and my family. I have different groups of writing friends, local, worldwide. I often regret that I can't keep up with all of them daily, but it's just not humanly possible. And of course, I meet more people every single day, in life, online...

I guess I'm just contemplative today. Even before this, I've been missing people I've met through my writing that I've just not been able to keep up with. And those I used to be super tight with, we just...have our real life to deal with. Our own writing, families, jobs, illnesses, vacations...it's hard.

And at this point I think I'm babbling. I just wish I had this expansive wingspan in which I could spread out over everyone I know and pull them in tight so I could always know what they're doing.

But alas...

Happy Monday All and a don't forget what today is...we celebrate a man who gave his life battling for equal rights against social injustice. 

 “If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Thursday is Awesome

There's a lot going on. Some personal stuff I don't want to share yet, but it has me walking on air.

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt is looking into another print run of Never Eighteen, which is awesome.

Had a great interview on Book and a Chat with Barry Eva last week. You can check it out here.

I had an awesome classroom visit yesterday at Ford Middle School, and have two more next week at Tacoma Community College and Foss High School.

I was invited to a luncheon on Saturday where I can sell books.

Heading to the ocean with a girlfriend this weekend.

Life feels really good right now. I'm not sure if I'll be able to live up to my title as Angsty Writer for much longer. I may need a new handle.

Tuesday T is for Travail

Travail has two definitions.  One is to struggle, one is to become alive.  Many of you know I have had my share of struggles these last few years.  Last week was no different. Some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes we win in life, sometimes we lose.  Amongst book releases and getting my ARCs and traveling to New York, I also struggled with bad reviews, and self doubt/loathing, and heartbreak.

The good thing is it's never too late to start over and there's no limit how many times you're allowed to. 

Life has been an emotional and physical roller coaster for the last three years.  I think I'm finally ready to jump off the ride.  To dive into a fresh start. I recently realized I wasn't even following the message of my own novel, make the most out of life, not focus on the negative, you only get one shot at it.

I have much to be thankful for, awesome friends, a great support system, I think my work in progress is pretty good, my book release gets closer and closer.  And hope.  Hope that the rest of the year gets better.  Hope that I find success with Never Eighteen, hope I find balance, hope that I find true happiness in life and become alive again.

~best,

Megan

Thought Provoking Thursday: Relationships

Here I was going to talk about rude people today after an incident at Starbucks yesterday morning, then something threw a monkey wrench in it.

Relationships, they're kind of funny, right?  And I'm not just talking romantic relationships, I'm talking about friendships too.  Sometimes they just don't, shouldn't, or can't work, no matter how you might feel about a person.  Things can just get in the way, work, kids, time, emotions, things out of your control.

I think we take some of our relationships in life for granted.  We expect that person will always be there for us, then one day *poof* they're gone, for whatever reason, they move, they die, they move on.  Even if you think you see it coming, or expect it, the gravity of it still hits hard, makes your heart ache.

The book I'm writing now, that happens to my main character a lot.  People are constantly leaving her life for whatever reason.  She struggles because of it.  And I felt bad doing all these terrible things to her, but I didn't really know how she felt.  I do now.

Don't take for granted that someone will always be there for you.  You may get blindsided.

~Megan

Friend or Foe Friday

I've been inspired by so many lately, tis the season I suppose, I can't possibly name one person today.  There are my email writing friends who make me laugh every day and are always there when I need a sounding board.
 
There's my 2K11 group, basically we're all in this crazy rollercoaster that is the publishing biz together.  It's nice to have that kind of support.

Some of the people in my office went to the Red Cross Real Heroes Breakfast this morning.  I didn't go this time, but have in the past.  The people honored there are those who go out of their way or risk their lives to help someone else, a stranger even.  If that's not inspiring, I don't know what it.

Rusty also has been inspiring me to keep  my chin up and look at the good all around me.  If you read my post yesterday, he's the one who told me when I'm feeling down to think about what I'm thankful for and why.

Basically I'm surrounded by goodness, and people who have my back, and support me, and that makes me want to be that kind of person too.  Not just during the holiday season, but all year round.  Emerson has a wonderful quote.  "Scatter joy!"  That's what I want to do.  I don't always want to be the angsty writer, but the scatterer of joy, the sprinkler of bliss, the caster of rapture.

It's a choice.  We all have it.  I choose it. 


~Megan

Writing Wednesday: Lockdown

Since my friend Caron Guillo edited this novel for me (and she's really good, mine you), I've been excited about doing revisions on it (no time yet, but it will come).  Here's an excerpt:

     We got off the bus, and Brady and I headed to our lockers, which were right next to each other.  That’s how we met.  I remember the first time I laid eyes on him I nearly melted.  He has these sexy blonde curls that shine like the rays of the sun, a nice smile with perfectly straight white teeth, the cutest dimples you’ll ever see, and eyes so blue they’ll break your heart. 

      I’d try to talk to him all the time, small talk, about the weather or school, or movies.  He wouldn’t say much.   I thought he wasn’t interested.   Then one day he walked right up to me and said, “Kat, I think you’re the cutest most interesting girl at this school.” My heart pounded loudly in my ears, and I could feel all the blood inside me rush up to my cheeks.  We’ve been pretty much inseparable since then.

     The day in question, I remember, I was leaning up against my locker and he whispered in my ear.  I can’t remember now what he said, but I remember his words tickled, sent shivers down my spine and caused a break out of goose bumps down my arms and legs.

     Matt’s locker was on the other side of mine.  Whenever I saw him, I made it a point to say hello, to connect with him.  We were friends once, best friends, really, all the way from kindergarten until about sixth or seventh grade.  He lived across the street from me.    We were the kind of friends that had our very own secret hideout, unknown and hidden from the rest of the world.  The kind of friends that made pacts in blood, and the friends that promised each other if we were still single by thirty, we’d marry.  But things change.  People change.  We began liking different things, hanging out in different groups, drifting apart.  It happens.

     I tried to reach out to him because I worried about the path he was heading down.  His parents?  They fought all the time, always have.  I don’t know the why’s or how’s about it, but sometimes they were so loud I could hear them through my bedroom window.  Matt turned to pot and video games to drown out their voices, to escape it.  I don’t think they knew or cared very much, so who could blame him?  I can’t imagine what it would be like to live with two people that hated each other, that seemed to hate their own child. 

Bullied to Death

Bullying has been around since the beginning of time, but now it's starting to take a deadly toll. Ellen Degeneres spoke  about young people that are being harassed, teased, and bullied to the point that they take their own lives. 

What are we teaching our children today that would cause them to treat another human being so cruelly?  This kind of behavior must be stopped, at home, at school, in our community.  And this isn't just about homosexual teens, kids tease for many different, senseless reasons.

Just yesterday my daughter was hanging out with some so-called-friends who told her some of the people she hangs out with are losers and asked why she would hang out with them.  Then they asked her to choose who she would rather hang out with them, or the losers.

I'm proud of her for standing up for herself and her friends.  She told them she would never choose between friends.  And you know what?  One of the kids, a boy spit in her face.   She ended up kicking him in the balls, and normally I would not condone violence, but she got to the point of frustration with these kids harassing her, so I don't say I blame her.

Parents, teachers, and peers need to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves and help put a stop to bullying before it costs someone else their life.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has dedicated part of their website to help put an end to bullying, for kids and adults alike.  Check it out to find out what you can do to help.

Letting Go...

Okay obviously the theme I had chosen for this week is a big snoozefest *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* so I'm changing direction. 

Yesterday I parted ways with a dear friend.  A friend who has been an important part of my life for three years.  Someone I talked to just about everyday.  Someone I celebrated and commiserated with, someone I confided in. 


I love him, in a friendship way, and I'm sure he feels the same.  But sometimes love just isn't enough.  Where did it go wrong?  We've had ups and downs.  There has been drama, there has been tears.


But, in his words, we are like oil and water.  We're akin to the like poles of a magnet.  No matter how hard you try to bring them together, they repel.  The funny thing to me is, the reasons for this are exactly the opposite.  He would probably disagree, which is ironic in itself, but I think the reason we're like oil and water is because we are so much alike, reflections of each other.  At times I've said we're like the same person.

This is what connected us in the first place, our sense of humor, our loving the limelight, striving for the same goals, facing the same challenges.


But no amount of love, and no amount semblance will keep us from butting heads, and yesterday we decided it was enough.


I owe him much in many different ways.  He will always have a place in my heart and I will mourn the loss of the friendship. 


But sometimes, even though it's hard, you have to let go.


Ciao,


Megan

Road Trip

I've talked about friendships quite a bit on my blog here. I think it's because friendships are strange to me. I do not like people as a general rule :), but I do have friendships and they're important to me for a variety reasons. You have your different circle of friendships. Mine can pretty much be divided in two: high school friends and writing friends. When I talk about my high school friends it not only means those I went to high school with, but those I met during high school through work, friends whatever.

And you do different thing with those different friends. There are those you go to coffee or lunch with. Those you go out to drinks with. Those you invite to dinner. Those you watch sports with. You keep the talk light with some, you go deeper with those you trust with your secrets.

And it's actually the same with my writing friends. I have those I talk to just about every day, those I'm in a writing group with. There are those who you trust to read your work, and those whose work you will read.

And of course you have those friends you know you'll occasionally butt heads with. Those you will never fight with. Those who make you happy, those who make you crazy. Those who will be honest with you no matter how much it might hurt.

The dynamics are complex.

So anyway, I went on a road trip this last weekend with my best friends from high school. Excluding an occasional dinner, I really haven't spent any major (or minor) time with these ladies since about 1989. And this is what is so great about friendships like these, it was like no time had passed between us at all. Not an awkward moment lingered. We chatted, laughed, as if we hung out all the time. And I loved it. And although these two women and I have gone down three very different paths, I still love them and always will.

Sometimes you can go back. :)

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose." ~ Tennessee Williams

41

That's me. Yesterday. Well, and everyday for the rest of the year. With every birthday I try to make a plan of attack for the coming year. Things I want to work on, make better, that kind of thing.

One of the most important things for me are making and keeping connections. It's hard. Facebook is so cool, because they're all right there at your fingertips. But I have a lot of facebook friends, and it's difficult to keep up with them all.

On a daily basis, I'll connect with the most active ones, and mostly they are the ones I've met through the ABNA contest.

Just lately though, I've started to check all my friend groups on a daily basis and try to leave comments. To connect. Juts to show them that I'm thinking about them. This includes, family, friends, and other writers.

Another thing I'm trying to do is visit all the blogs I'm following whenever they post something new. I want the writer to know I'm reading them and I'm interested in what they're saying.

But I not only want to stay connected to these established relationships, but also forge new ones. I love meeting other writers, readers, people with like interests. I love that I have Facebook friends from India, and Iraq, and Holland, and Italy. I know I say I'm not much of a people person, but online friendships are different. You don't see all the things that might annoy you in person, quirks, traits, religious or political differences, the things that might cause you to NOT be friends in the tangible world. It makes them easy to maintain.

So, at 41 one of my goals is to keep my connections as tight as I can and to make new ones.

You'll hear about some of my other goals throughout the week.

Thanks for reading.

Kisses

:*

Megan

F³A: Fallible Me

In light of certain recent events in my life, I've been forced to take a step back and look at myself long and hard. You know what I've found? I'm not perfect. I know, I know, it's hard to believe, but apparently my ying traits also have a yang, balancing me on a tight rope between good and evil.

I'm a nice person for the most part. Unless of course you piss me off, and if you do, I will probably just try and avoid you and not talk to you, but if it comes down to it, we will have words.

I will invite you to my parties. And they're fun. And you will enjoy yourself.
Will I come to yours? Maybe not, but don't judge me for it. I try not to plan anything too far in advance. As I never know how I'm going to feel on any given day. My mental health makes me very tired, and makes me anti-social at times, especially if I have to go alone. Know that I love you though.

Am I a reliable friend? Yes. I will be there for you when you call on me,in most cases. The only times I remember turning people down is when I'm at my lowest.
Am I unreliable? Yes. I will not offer unless asked. You see, life for the most part is chaos. Between writing, revising, querying, submitting, reading, reviewing, basketball, soccer, cleaning, shopping, cooking, homework, etc, etc, I actually don't have a lot of time on my hands.

Am I giving? Yes. I give sometimes until it hurts. I give things I don't even have.
Do I take? Apparently so. Apparently I've taken to where I've hurt others. Not purposely, I'd never do that, but still, it's been done.

Am I selfless? I've had my moments, that's all I'll say about that.
Am I selfish? Yes. I have been. I think sometimes we get so caught up with ourselves and what we're doing we put blinders on and forget to see and react to the things happening around us.

I'm forgiving. No matter what you do, as long as it does not harm someone I love, and then it's on a situational basis, I will forgive. And I hope it turn, I am worth forgiving.

I can't really describe what kind of person I am. I'm emotionally drive and full of angst. This much I know. Other than that, I'm a walking contradiction. I'm sweet and bitchy, flirty and demure, shy and outgoing, strong and weak, narcissistic and modest.

Sometimes I'm a good friend and sometimes I'm a bad friend. I will say that my moments of badness are never intentional, and for the most part, I don't even realize what I've done until it's too late. That's just me. I'm flawed. I'm fallible. I'm human.

ABNA part 5: Bittersweet

So yesterday they made the first cut, from 10,000 to 2,000. (not sure there was actually 10,000. I know there was 5,000 in general lit. but not sure how many YA entries they actually received) I'm happy to say I made the cut.

That being said, it's hard to feel good about it. It's heartbreaking to see so many of my friends omitted from the list. I cried. I'm getting choked up right now thinking about it. And here's the deal, these cuts get us to the next round, but they don't mean much as far as writing goes. The next cut they will actually be judging us on our writing abilities, and that will be a difficult cut to take.

They've judged us on a one page pitch. Writing a pitch is not easy, in fact, it's downright difficult. And on the ABNA forum there was a whole thread devoted to people helping each other with their pitches.

So, here's the bad part. Some people got help with their pitch that helped them through to the next round. Some of these people may not be very good writers, but their pitch is awesome because of this said help. Hell, I had friends help me. I think my writing stands up for itself (this is my inner narcissist talking), but I'm sure some people's don't. I'm not saying that to be mean or bitchy, but out of 10,000 people, not all of them are going to be awesome writers.

AND, some people may be really shitty at writing a pitch, but are incredible writers. I know this for fact. I know these people, I've read their work and they're brilliant. Which means, hopefully, they won't need this contest and will make it on their own.

That's all. I've said my piece. Happy Friday everyone.

Kisses

:*

Megan

ABNA part 4: Friendship

This was the most important aspect of the contest for me. It was better than making the cut, better than the reviews, better than making the semi-finals.

I made some really great friends. Friends I consider lifelong. Some are local and I talk to them every once in awhile and we try to get together about once or twice a year. Others live all over the globe and I talk to them on facebook mostly. There are a handful that I became really close to. We talk by email nearly every day and I've even met a couple of them in person.

These friendships mean everything to me. I've never known any other writers, and it's nice to have someone to share your writing with, people you trust to critique your work. People to laugh with, commiserate with, to celebrate our successes and cry over our disappointments.

Of course, like with any friendship, we have our share of debates, fights, and drama, but I hope that these friendship can endure these tiny speed bumps, because like I said, they mean a lot and I would be lost without them.

(New York photos courtesy of Rick Kopstein)
Kisses

:*

Megan

F³A: Mini Rants

For those of you who just started following, F³A is the Friday Free for All. Though this week has pretty much been a total free for all.

Now on with the ranting. Irritations, annoyances, and things people do to drive me insane.

I have come to the realization that my children are allergic to the dishwasher. I'm not sure what would happen if they were to actually touch it, maybe a breakout of hives the size of golf balls, or perhaps spontaneous combustion, but I'm sure it's bad, why else would they get as close as to put their dishes on the counter directly above it, but not open then door and place them inside. Perhaps there is a pill or ointment for that.

I'm a good mom. I let my kids have sleepovers. How do I get repayed? With attitude, back talk, and general grouchiness. Um, exactly why do I do this?

If I were to leave all the socks lying around the house that everyone takes off but does not put in the laundry room, I would have wall to wall socks. It would be much cheaper than buying carpeting.

Why is there always the one friend in the group that no one likes? Why are they there? Does anyone actually know where they come from?

I don't own pets. I'm allergic to pretty much every animal under the sun. So why do you think I want your dog in my house, running around, getting its hair all over my floor and furniture?

No I will not drive you to school because your hair is perfect. We live three blocks from school and I'm not even dressed. >:(

Um, just because I don't work outside the home does not mean I have all the time in the world to do things for you. I have a house to clean. I'm writing one book, querying another, and revising yet another. I'm blogging, I'm reading and doing book reviews. I'm grocery shopping. I'm exercising, and tending to my hygiene. And when I'm done with all my stuff for the day, I have approximately -5 hours to do your stuff. Get it?

Do not ask if your friend can come over in front of her. That is an automatic no. I've told you this a million times yet you keep doing it and then I'm the bad mom that never lets your friends come over.

I'm tired of taking out the garbage. I thought that's the ONE job that husbands are supposed to do.

Stop posting crap to my Facebook profile. I don't want to be hit with a pillow, I don't want your blingee postcard, I don't care if you said I'm hot or not. You muck up my page which mostly I use for my blogs and my writing.

Stop asking me to remember things for you. I barely remember my name most days.

No I didn't hear the car making that ticking noise. How can I tell you how long it's been going on if I didn't hear it? I do not pay attention to tiny noises, I'm not a mechanic, they all just sound like car noises to me. Plus, they are hard to hear when I'm blasting Nirvana or Green Day or Fall Out Boy anyway.

I think that's enough ranting for the day.

Movie of the Week: Couples Retreat (laughed my ass off)

Song of the Week: Mountain Man by the Crash Kings

Book of the Week: Dare to Be a Great Writer by Leonard Bishop

Quote of the Week: "Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me." ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Friday Free For All: Emotions, Friendships, and Life in General

I don't know where to start here. I'm not even sure what I want to say. I have so much going on inside me right now, I can't organize my thoughts, place them on paper in an orderly fashion so that they'll be read clearly and understood.

I'm an emotionally driven person. Sometimes that attracts people to me, sometimes it repels them. I'm full of angst, tears, passion, fire,I'm frenzied much of the time. I have thoughts and feelings roiling within me 24/7. I think it's why I don't sleep well, why I struggle with vices, why I write the stuff I usually write, and why I can only connect with very few people on a deep level.

Relationships are difficult for me. For some reason, I don't get too close, I think it's because when I do, there is always some amount of pain involved. I also don't like to commit to outings because I'm afraid that once that day arrives, I won't be able mentally to follow through. This makes me a bad friend in many ways I know, but it's something that I cannot help.

And what about virtual friends, the ones you meet in chat rooms, and on facebook, and other social networking sites. I'm sure everyone has them by now. How much of yourself can or should you give over to them? The ones I have, I've met mostly through my writing and youtube videos. Some of them I would consider very good friends. But honestly, how much of yourself should you give them? How much should you confide in them? Can they be trusted with your most guarded secrets, your emotions? It's a definite risk, right? Is it worth it? I don't have the answers to all that, but it's something I do struggle with.

And you know what, so many people don't even know who I really am. I think they see me as this playful, carefree, motivated vixen without a care in the world. That's not who I am. Not at all. It's a mask I wear to protect myself. I'm timid and insecure. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and that makes me very vulnerable.

I know these may seem like random thoughts being poured out on a page to you, but believe me, they come full circle for me. Emotions, relationships, friendships, depression...oh yes, I haven't touched on that yet today. My life seems to be in some kind of holding pattern, where I go through the same mistakes, feelings, experiences, over and over again. And any of you who have been following my blog this year,knows that this time last year was not good for me. And even though things are definitely better, I find myself sinking back into a funk. I blame the weather. Yes, I know, it sounds like a cop out, but it's true. The gray skies bring me down. And obviously anti-depressants cannot fix it. SAD(seasonal affective disorder) is the price I pay to live in the northwest I guess. Last night I invested in Vitamin D. I'm hoping that brings at least a few rays of light through the fog. On a positive note, I don't resort to the self destructive things I used to do when I was younger. I just take it, and try to deal with it, heal, and try to make it stick.

My psyche morphs during the year. Ups and downs, happiness to self loathing. No matter how high I get on the ladder, I always fall down, just to make the long climb back up again. Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes I even think, maybe I don't want to be happy. But that's absurd, right? Why would anyone not want to be happy? I don't have the answers, but I do know I keep finding my way back down here.

The point? No point really, just ranting. Wanting to get these thoughts out of my head before they make me completely crazy. Maybe hoping maybe just one person out there can empathize, so I know I'm not insane.

That's all I've got.

Song of the Week: The Story by Brandi Carlile

Book of the Week: She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. Haven't read it in awhile, but have the urge again. I think many women can probably relate to this.

Movie of the Week: Girl Interrupted, in memory of Brittany Murphy

Quote of the week: "Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me." ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel,
Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America


Thanks for reading.

Kisses :*

Megan

Four Things to Be Thankful For: Friends

All kinds of friends. There are those you know you can always count on. The ones that will take care of your kids, shop for you when you're sick, and drive you to the airport.

There are the ones you meet for coffee every so often and talk about old times, your kids, and future plans.

There are those that make you laugh.

Those that will listen.

Last night I met up with a group of girlfriends. We all went to high school together. Most of them I've seen about two or three times in the last twenty years. It was like we'd never missed a beat. So there's those friends you can see just every so often, and you'll know it will always be like old times.

Friends are a gift. No matter what kind of friend they are to you. Treasure them always.

Top Four Reasons to Join my Friend Gae's Facebook Fan Page: # 2

Dedication. She is not only dedicated to her writing, but to her friends (and I'm sure her family, though being 3000 miles from her, I'm not witness to it).

It has been a long road for her to get Steinbeck, the Scoot, and the Pull of Gravity published. She got an agent. Agent said, revise, she revised, agent said revise again, she revised again, agent sent to publisher, publisher said revise, she revised again. Voila. Yes that is the short version. I've seen how long and hard she has been working on this novel.

Like I said, she's also a dedicated friend. She has helped me with both my query letter and my novel. And I know she has helped countless others as well. She's selfless, she's busy writing and revising her own work, but has the time to edit my manuscript, call me on the phone to talk about it, send endless emails about how to make it better.

And it's not all about the writing. She comes through in all aspects of life. Personally, she's helped me through some personal stuff that I don't think I would have made it through without her.

Join her fan page. You won't regret it.

Top Four Worst Things About Having Kids in Middle School #2 Self Esteem

Kids self esteem takes a beating in middle school, maybe worse than anywhere else in life. Middle school is when cliques form, puberty starts (for most), and kids are coming into their bodies.

Let's start with cliques. Kids are forming groups based on, who knows these days? When I was in school it was pretty much looks. All the cute girls and guys were popular. These days, I think it's the loud obnoxious ones. The ones who make you pay attention. When my oldest daughter started middle school, there were two HUGE cliques and then everyone else. The friendships she had wavered that year, you know how fickle middle school girls can be.

Now my youngest is in sixth grade, and I've already seen her friends choose sides, leave people out, gossip. It starts all over.

Luckily, the oldest girl has found her way, being a friend to everyone, and having her core of good friends. My youngest daughter has also naturally adopted the "friend to all" attitude, and I think that will help them both in the long run.

Then there's puberty. Nothing damages a girl's (and probably a boy's) self esteem more than a huge zit right in the middle of their nose. Lucky for my kids, I have naturally oily skin (being Italian and all) and keep a vast array of skin cleansers in the house, clearisil, nutragena, proactive (although I have no idea how to spell these things obviously). Unfortunately, I see so many kids with bad skin, nice kids, and you wonder, why don't the parents help them out with this? Zits (well most, there are those big mothers that pop up every once in a while that just have a mind of their own) can be helped with good hygiene.

Then there's weight. My daughter, at 105 pounds complains. She's not fat. At all. My younger daughter on a daily basis asks me if she's chubby. I try and stress to my daughters that they are not fat, that they do not have to worry about it yet. If they eat right and stay fit, they'll never have to worry about it. I try and eat right and exercise to set a good example. I don't buy sweets, only on occasion, I don't by sugary cereals, pop, or candy regularly. I buy them ice cream about once a month, chocolate milk about once every two months. Being overweight can completely damage a kids self esteem, and I don't want my kids to go through what I went through. (and not having these sugary sweets can also cut down on the acne)

As a parent, I do my best to help my girls feel good about themselves, teach them how to take care of themselves and how to be a good friend. The rest is up to them.