Where did he go?

A friend of mine from high school and college told me we lost a high school friend. I wanted to ask, "Where did he go?" Because at our age, we're too young to be losing people. It's not time for our schoolmates to start dying on us.

Yet, it's happened. This isn't the first school mate that has passed, but he's still one of the first and someone I spent a lot of time with in high school. So this one hits very close to home.

We're not young anymore. And this is the age that we start losing people. This is when people start having heart problems and contracting cancer. One out of 3 women contract cancer. 1 in 5 die from it. Think about your closest friends. Which one of them will it be? Men's outlook is even more dire. 1 out of 2 contract. 1 out of 4 die.

My mantra about life being short is sad but true. This is why I live big. I admit to
having used questionable judgment at times, but I learn from my mistakes and have few regrets. If I make it to old age, I don't want to be sitting around with my 50 cats saying to myself, "if only I'd done_____" or "I wish I would have tried_____" I want to have done all the things.

I also want to make an impact on the people around me. I want help, nurture, and support my family and friends. And if I've had a falling out, I want to be content with the lengths I have gone to to make amends.

When it's all over, I hope to look back at my life and not lament the things I never did. I want to go out satisfied that I'd lived life fully, leaving as few failures as possible in my wake.

Getting old(er)

It's my birthday. Where am I in life? In many ways I feel I've accomplished a lot, in many ways I feel I've done nothing.

I have two beautiful daughters. I've had a book published by one of the biggest publishers in the world. I have a great job that utilizes my talents well.  I'm a smart, funny, sexy woman.

On the other hand I'm lonely and can't seem to be without a relationship for too long even though I know I should. I want a second book deal and don't have one so I'm going Indie, which I'm excited about, but also scared to death about. and even though I'm embracing smart, funny and sexy I also feel a bit out of control, chaotic, and crazy.

So there's that. I can't decide whether I have my shit together or whether I'm a mess. Every year for the past few years I would say "this year is going to be epic." I'm not going to say that this year. I don't feel that way this year. I'm not sure what this year is going to bring. It feels a little daunting. I don't know why, it just does.

For right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time though and see what happens. I'm going to try to slow my life down. I'm constantly going and it stresses me out. I'm going to focus on my kids stuff, because they have a lot of stuff, band gigs, soccer, tennis, drivers ed. I'm even going to coach them in soccer this year. I'm going to really try to NOT get in a relationship. I'm going to just date and see where that gets me. I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to get this book out this summer and see what happens. I'm going to concentrate on my health, keep eating right, keep kickboxing, walking outside when the weather gets nicer, try to get up earlier so I can get back to Pilates.

That's what I'm going to do. And I hope those things turn into habits and stick.

When did I get this old?

I'm a bad ass. I know this. I'm a rock star and a super mom. Yes, this is obvious.

But I'm getting old.

I've been going to kickboxing. Yes, I'm that awesome.I'm even Uber Awesome as my trainer told me last night because I stayed for two classes. That's right, two hours of nonstop kickboxing and strength training.

Today I can't feel my right arm. Okay, that's a lie. I can feel it and it hurts. I can barely move it. Everything from my shoulder to my elbow.

This sucks.

My mortality is catching up to me. I can already see that light at the end of the tunnel. Or the flame, you know, whichever.

My youngest daughter just turned 15. I will be mid-fortyish this year. WTF happened?

When did time become so fleeting?

When did my body start breaking down and how come nobody has come up with a cure for that yet?

I need a body mechanic.

Do you know where I can find one?