Getting old(er)

It's my birthday. Where am I in life? In many ways I feel I've accomplished a lot, in many ways I feel I've done nothing.

I have two beautiful daughters. I've had a book published by one of the biggest publishers in the world. I have a great job that utilizes my talents well.  I'm a smart, funny, sexy woman.

On the other hand I'm lonely and can't seem to be without a relationship for too long even though I know I should. I want a second book deal and don't have one so I'm going Indie, which I'm excited about, but also scared to death about. and even though I'm embracing smart, funny and sexy I also feel a bit out of control, chaotic, and crazy.

So there's that. I can't decide whether I have my shit together or whether I'm a mess. Every year for the past few years I would say "this year is going to be epic." I'm not going to say that this year. I don't feel that way this year. I'm not sure what this year is going to bring. It feels a little daunting. I don't know why, it just does.

For right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time though and see what happens. I'm going to try to slow my life down. I'm constantly going and it stresses me out. I'm going to focus on my kids stuff, because they have a lot of stuff, band gigs, soccer, tennis, drivers ed. I'm even going to coach them in soccer this year. I'm going to really try to NOT get in a relationship. I'm going to just date and see where that gets me. I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to get this book out this summer and see what happens. I'm going to concentrate on my health, keep eating right, keep kickboxing, walking outside when the weather gets nicer, try to get up earlier so I can get back to Pilates.

That's what I'm going to do. And I hope those things turn into habits and stick.

When did I get this old?

I'm a bad ass. I know this. I'm a rock star and a super mom. Yes, this is obvious.

But I'm getting old.

I've been going to kickboxing. Yes, I'm that awesome.I'm even Uber Awesome as my trainer told me last night because I stayed for two classes. That's right, two hours of nonstop kickboxing and strength training.

Today I can't feel my right arm. Okay, that's a lie. I can feel it and it hurts. I can barely move it. Everything from my shoulder to my elbow.

This sucks.

My mortality is catching up to me. I can already see that light at the end of the tunnel. Or the flame, you know, whichever.

My youngest daughter just turned 15. I will be mid-fortyish this year. WTF happened?

When did time become so fleeting?

When did my body start breaking down and how come nobody has come up with a cure for that yet?

I need a body mechanic.

Do you know where I can find one?