Are we perpetuating a bully culture?

My eyes were opened this morning.

I posted a Jimmy Kimmel video on Facebook today. The one in which he has parents send in clips of them telling their kids they ate all their Halloween candy, and then the child's reaction. And I admit, I laughed. I thought it was funny.

Until...

I went to a friend's Facebook profile and he had stated that he disliked the video because he felt it was simply parents bullying their children.

My first reaction was O.o. 

My second reaction was shame and guilt. Why? Because you know what, he was absolutely right. Why was it so funny to watch those parents torment their own children and seeing reactions that ranged from crying to screaming to being disrespectful to throwing things?

Answer: it wasn't. Not when I took a step back and thought about it. Granted, there were a handful (3 I think) out of the slew of kids on the video that were fine with their parents eating their candy. The rest of those children were destroyed.

Halloween is one of probably 2 magic nights a year for children and Jimmy Kimmel and their parents, the people they are supposed to be able to trust more than anyone in the world, ruined it, even if it was only for a moment. 

I thought to myself, I would never do that to my kids. Sure, I'd hide a scary clown in a bed or jump out of a closet, tickle them till they almost peed, but taking candy from a baby? Everyone knows that's not right. Okay technically they didn't really do it, but the damage was done and the joke was for their own entertainment and so they could be on television.

What are we teaching our children?

It's okay to just pretend to eat all your candy because you  were only terrorized for a minute?

Um, wait, that can't be it.



It's okay to do mean things if you're getting attention for it?

No, that can't be right either.

Bullying is okay because I'm your parent and you're just a stupid little kid because I said so?

Damn, that doesn't sound right either.

So why? Jimmy Kimmel's little Halloween prank does nothing but perpetuate a bully culture in the worst way possible - between a parent and child.

Love, affection, trust, honesty. These are things children should always be able to expect from their parents without question. To sacrifice this in the name of entertainment isn't just bullying, it's a betrayal of the parent-child bond. Plus, it's teaching a child that as long as something is funny to you, it doesn't matter how it makes the other person feel.

Good job Jimmy Kimmel. Hope you're pleased with yourself. I know a lot of people who are pretty pissed off, aside from the 20 kids in your stupid video.

Banning "Bossy"

Have you heard of this campaign? It was started by Sheryl Sandberg, the Chief Operating Officer of Facebook in an attempt to build girls self confidence. She believes that when boys assert themselves they are called "leaders" but when a girl does, she's called "bossy," which is in essence telling her to be quiet.

Can banning a word be the answer to improving the self confidence of girls across the nation? Sandberg isn't the only one who wants to ban bossy. The Girl Scouts, Beyonce, Jennifer Garner, Jane Lynch, and even First Lady Michelle Obama have all jumped on the ban bossy bandwagon.

What's in a word, though? Does being called "bossy" really have that kind of effect on girls? I'm not sure. If you ban the word bossy, won't girls who speak their minds just be called pushy, snotty or bitchy? And who's going to stop using a word just because you say so.

If girls are truly less interested in leading than boys, it's probably not because of a

word. It's not because we're telling them to keep quiet. It's because as a society, we're sending them the wrong messages. We get them more interested in superfluous things, the things that don't matter in life. They become "typical teenage girls."

The top toys for girls last year consisted of Barbies, Bratz and Disney Princesses. Dolls with perfectly sculpted bodies and faces, the princesses, most of them not being able to get through life without their Prince Charming coming to their rescue. iPad Air came in at #4.

We let them watch shows in which these are their role models:

Plus reality shows about teenage girls getting pregnant, teen dramas where kids are leading "glamorous" lives full of shopping, drugs and sex.

And do you know what music they listen to? If they listen to hip hop or rap they are constantly being told that women are bitches and hos. Nothing worthy of more than a lay and discarding.

 So are we deterring a girl from following her dream of becoming a CEO of a giant corporation or President of the United States by calling her bossy? I don't think so.

For some, I believe leadership is an innate quality. I think someone who possesses that will not let people quiet her. She will not allow the world to hold her back merely with a word. In fact, she may embrace it.

What about those who do not have that innate leadership quality though? How do we instill that sense of leadership within them? How do we help raise her confidence and self esteem so that if she wants to try, she's not afraid of failing?



On the Ban Bossy website, it states girls are called on less in class and interrupted more. How about we fix that? How about teaching all children to let name calling roll off of them instead of letting it bother them?  Or we teach them the difference between "bossy" and assertive? How about we try to stop the name calling? Or maybe parents, teachers and adults who come into contact with children on a regular basis instill self confidence in girls by letting them know that they are smart, and can achieve anything they want if they work at it. Encourage them to be leaders.

I don't fault Sandberg and those backing her campaign. I think what she's trying to do is noble. There are some helpful tips about raising girl's self confidence, but much of the focus is on banning "bossy."  I think there are better ways of empowering girls than trying to get a word banned.

Response to: FYI (if you're a teenage girl)

I know, there have been a million responses already, and I'm about a day behind, but as the mother of two teenage girls, I felt I had to respond.

I understand some of what Mrs. Hall is saying. I do. I just don't agree with it.

I think it's fine that the Hall parents monitor what their children do online. It's very smart. However, where is the trust in the parent/child relationship? At what point do you let your children use their best judgment as to who they can and cannot be Facebook friends with? When do you stop censoring every little thing they do?

If she's taught her boys to respect females, she shouldn't have to worry, right? Okay, no. Why? Because no matter how much they respect them, they will still look at them at a sexual way if they are a red-blooded, heterosexual teenage boy. 

Scantily clothed. Fully clothed. Nude. It doesn't matter. That's how it works.

Even the Biebs does it.

Boys do the same thing BTW. Have you seen all the bathroom, shirtless pics they post? Are you going to write this same letter to those boys when your daughter is a teenager?

Look, my daughter and her friends are barely dressed in this pic below. You could even say that the one on the right is posing suggestively.

Would the Hall boys be able to be friends with these girls? Or would they be blocked by their parents? I mean, the Hall boys may look at them in a sexual way, right?

And then of course we have the double standard of her own boys in bathing suits flexing their muscles on the beach in the pictures she chose to post on that particular blog. 

Pictures she has since changed. 

Does she not think that a teenage girl would look at that and drool a little? After all, her boys are handsome, shirtless, and flexing.

Okay, admittedly, I really don't appreciate boys/men with their shirts off in front of the mirror, and don't think young girls should be seductively half naked in their Facebook pics. I think parents should teach their children what is and what is not acceptable. 

Kim K.

Does Mrs. Hall let her boys watch TV? Movies? Listen to music? Play video games? Read magazines? Media has been teaching children for decades how they should look and behave. This is learned behavior from sources beyond our control. Even if you temper media at home, you'll never be able to keep your children from it completely, especially in these days where Google is a god.


When my girls first got their Facebook pages I told them not to friend anyone they don't know and that I would not censor them unless I felt what they posted was way out of control. I did tell them that they need to think about what they post, who will see it, what it might affect, and then to use their best judgment.

And I would never block someone from their Facebook. I can imply and suggest, but they can decide who needs to be blocked. I trust their judgment because I've taught them well.

And in this day and age of self esteem problems, obesity, self harm and eating disorders, is it so wrong for a teenage girl to be confident in her looks and her body.  To feel pretty. I think it's empowering, as long as she respects herself, and that is something they need to learn from their parents.

 Teenagers have bigger problems these days. Bullying, violence, alcohol, drugs, grades...

...scantily clad co-eds isn't one.

Just my two cents on this Friday.

Sigh: Death, and the Why's, and the Media

Another massacre. 

I don't even know what to say about it really. I'm almost speechless. What is there to say? All I can ask is why? Especially when, yet again, the death of a child is involved. If you're so angry and unhappy with the world, just blow your own brains out and let everyone else go on in this miserable world.

Why?

This is why I don't read or watch the news. I almost don't want to know about these tragedies. Ignorance is bliss, right? I didn't know anyone there, but I knew people who knew people there. Who were waiting for calls. Ugh.

And the media. They only perpetuate things. They only give these murderers what they want. You know what I want? This is what I want. I want the families of the dead to be notified. Then I want the dead to be named on television so that everyone else with family there knows it wasn't theirs, then I want to see no more of it. Why? Because that's what these killers want. They do it for attention. Maybe if we stop giving these depraved, crazy, sociopaths all this attention they would stop. They would stop killing children, and innocent bystanders, and people just out for a night at the movies, and people just going about their normal routines trying to make a living for their families, and the people who end up trying to save them.

Tooting the Horn Tuesday: Interview with Julia Karr

 I had the pleasure of interviewing Julia Karr, author of XVI and member of The Class of 2k11.  First, for those of you who haven't read it, here's what it's about.

"In the year 2150, being a girl isn’t necessarily a good thing, especially when your sixteenth (read sex-teenth) birthday is fast approaching. That in itself would be enough to make anyone more than a little nuts, what with the tattoo and all – but Nina Oberon’s life has taken a definite turn for the worse. Her mother is brutally stabbed and left for dead. Before dying, she entrusts a secret book to Nina, telling her to deliver it to Nina's father. But, first Nina has to find him; since for fifteen years he's been officially dead. Complications arise when she rescues Sal, a mysterious, and ultra hot guy. He seems to like Nina, but also seems to know more about her father than he’s letting on. Then there’s that murderous ex-government agent who’s stalking her, and just happens to be her little sister’s dad."

Here's our intereview:

Dystopian novels are really hot right now.  Was it the market that inspired you to write dystopian, or did you have other reasons?

When I wrote XVI (in 2005), dystopian was not hot. (The Hunger Games came out in 2008.) XVI evolved into dystopia as I was writing it. 

Do you write in other genres as well?

I have books I am working on in other genres, namely, Contemporary, Mystery, Fantasy, and Historical Fiction. Whew! That sounds like a lot of writing. I'd better get on it! :)

What writers influence or inspire you?

I get inspired by pretty much every good book I read! As far as influence - I didn't read any dystopian fiction as I writing XVI and the sequel, because I didn't want to be influenced by another writer's style. 

With the way society is influenced by media, do you see the world in XVI as a foreseeable future?

I sure do. I honestly think if people don't wake up and see what's happening in the way young women and girls are portrayed in media, that women will have a hard time ever truly reaching "equal rights." As if the photo spread in the January issue of French Vogue wasn't enough to creep me out (http://live.drjays.com/index.php/2011/01/06/has-french-vogue-taken-child-models-too-far/) - just today I read an article about padded bikini bras for 8-yr-olds! Gah! What is wrong with people? Anyway… yes - unfortunately I do see a version of XVI as a possible future.

Of the characters in the novel, which one do you relate most to and why?

 Probably Nina, because I spent so much time with her!

Have you known people like Nina’s horrible step father in real life?  If so, how did you deal with that?

I have never known anybody that disgusting in real life - thank heavens. If I had, they would be in jail now! I have peripherally known some people who were overbearing jerks - and borderline abusive - but not anyone with Ed's sicko bent.

Was there any time in writing the book that Derek was going to be Nina’s love interest?

Nope. He wanted to be, but that was not going to happen - ever.

What’s the one book you wish you would have written?

Dickens' A Christmas Carol

What book are you currently reading?

What Can't Wait by Ashley Hope Perez

Are you planning a sequel?  If not, what are you working on?

Yes. I'm working on the sequel. The title is TRUTH.

Thanks so much for interviewing me!

About Julia Karr:

Julia Karr was born in Indiana, and moved to Chicago when she was fifteen. After the initial culture shock of going from quiet, small town living to Carl Sandburg’s, “stormy, husky, brawling,” metropolis, she fell madly in love with the city. Her schooling in the art of writing came from reading, voraciously. While students were being forced to read the classics, Julia was busy going on author binges. As a young mother, reading books to, and eventually with, her daughters, she fell head-over-heels for children’s literature. Not a far stretch for someone who has loved reading since the age of three. While still working a nine-to-five job, after hours Julia can be found at home, sitting on the couch tapping out stories on her laptop, with one of several cats draped behind her and her dogs sleeping nearby.