Are you meeting your wife/girlfriend's needs?

Okay, I'm writing another response article, this one goes along with yesterdays blog in which I responded to the article, Your husband has 5 basic needs, are you meeting them?

So, I'm writing this from MY point of view. I know all women are different and I can't speak for them all, but I'm sure many women are like me as well, and these are the things I think are possible big Man Fails in my book of relationship wisdom. (note that I say possible. You may be the most perfect man in the world and if so, I'm not talking to you).

1. Listening to her when she has a legitimate issue with you. Right. I know, I know. Note that I say legitimate though. I'm not talking about the women who nag all the time. I'm talking about the ones who know you don't like to talk about feelings so for the most part, keep them to ourselves. So when we do come to you and tell you something that's bothering us, at least have the courtesy to listen and maybe have a thoughtful response. Even if you don't agree with us, can you try to see where we're coming from and why and maybe try to find some middle ground. K? Thanks.


2. Respecting her. Please. This. Always this. Don't treat her like a submissive in front of friends or guests. It's embarrassing and demeaning. Definitely treat her with respect in front of your children. If you don't, you are teaching them how to treat her as well and that's not right or okay. Don't call her names. Don't tell her she's stupid. Don't do emotional, mental or physical harm to her in any way. You have no idea what this does to a person unless it's been done to you. And if it has been done to you and it's the only way you know how to be in a relationship, get counseling. Yeah, seriously, why are men so opposed to seeking counsel to save their relationships?

3. Giving her praise or show her you love and appreciate her in little ways every once in a while. You don't have to do this every day. No. We don't expect this. We NEVER expect this because it rarely happens. But we get used to finding out how NOT to do things. Or how NOT to cook things or clean things. When we do something you appreciate, let us know. "Wow, dinner was great tonight, honey, where'd you learn to cook like that?" "House looks great today, babe." "What'd you do, slave all day?" Give her flowers. Yeah, again, you don't have to do it all the time, but do it when she'd least expect it. And they don't have to be expensive. One stem. A tiny arrangement every so often. Leave her notes. For me, I don't need expensive gifts, but to be TOLD I'm loved and do a good job feels awesome. Oh, and yeah, I like flowers.


4. Giving her some "me" time. I'm not talking a lot. I mean, family first, right? But listen, a night out with the girlfriends a couple times a month isn't a death sentence. A girls weekend a couple times a year won't kill you either. And hey, when a stay-at-home-mom says she's going to the grocery store at night, don't suggest the kids go, even if they want to. In fact, YOU be the one to tell them they can't. Sometimes that's all the time the wife needs away to unwind after a long day cooking, cleaning and watching the little ones. Maybe a bath, going to get a massage. You and the children are not the end all be all of her existence...which brings me to number 5.

5. Letting her be her own person. Many women lose their identities when they get married. Especially those who decide to become stay-at-home moms. They live and breathe the family, doing nothing else but familycentric activities, vacations, etc. While that may be okay for some, for others it can eventually be utterly devastating. They get tired of being known as "Bob's" wife or "Jake and Emma's" mom. They are dejected  when friends stop calling asking them to go places because they're always busy with family. They need their own friends, own activities, own hobbies. They need to remain individuals apart from being a mom or a wife. Otherwise, they will get caught in an unhappy rut and will feel stuck, like the world is moving on without them like they are standing still.

So, that is how I feel and I don't think it's too hard. And guess what, guys? And ladies, you should read this too. It goes both ways. Your wives and girlfriends should be treating you the same way. See, this is being an equal in a relationship. This is having a mutual respect for each other while not pandering to or being dutiful like a servant.

A relationship is a partnership. Sure, there is give and take, but there is reciprocity, collaboration, support, understanding, affinity, and courtesy. Be kind always. Communicate. Always remember, that person you're with isn't just your significant other, but an individual who has interests outside of you. Those individual interests should be pursued with your support, otherwise they may be pursued, devoid of you.

Are you meeting your husbands needs?

Okay, I know I'm kind of down on Family Share this week, but honestly, all their articles aren't that bad. However, I found another one on their website that made me throw up in my mouth. Your husband has 5 basic needs. Are you meeting them? And the blurb: Fulfilling your husband's needs does not mean you're inferior to him. It means you love him and want to make him happy. Are you doing that?

Um... But then the author goes on to say that we should be unselfish and put our husband's needs above your own. I mean, we should want to make him happy, after all, he only has 5 basic needs to be fulfilled...right.

1. Recreational companionship

Basically the author says that whatever your husband wants to do, you should do. Yep. If your husband likes to golf, you should take up golf. If your husband likes to snow ski, you should go snow skiing.

Let me tell you what happens when you do whatever your husband wants to do and put your own hobbies aside.  Frustration. Anger. Resentment. How about you do things together that you both like to do, but you both have things you do on your own because having individual hobbies and interests makes for a healthy relationship. You cannot spend every waking hour of free time together or you will go crazy and end up hating each other.

2. Sexual fulfillment

 She's telling you not to make sex a game. Okay, I agree with this. Don't use it as a weapon or a chess piece. But her condescending tone about our attitude and effort involved in our sexually fulfilling our spouse's needs is a bit sickening. Hey lady, at my age, I'm the one who needs the fulfilling, not the other way around. Capisce?

3. Admiration 

Okay, this truly wants to make me retch. The article states how hard your husband works for you, how he's doing his part and how we need to tell him how much we love and appreciate him.

I didn't realize I was sitting on the couch watching soap operas and eating bon bons all day. I'm so sorry. Let me get a tub out and wash his feet and then feed him grapes and fan him while he lies down on a chaise lounge. Perhaps I should wait on him hand and foot after his hard day. I mean, I've done nothing all day but work, do the grocery shopping, tended to the kids, cleaned the house and washed the laundry.

4. Domestic support

"Domestic support involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment."  While the husband is "doing his part" we should be cooking, washing dishes, keeping the home clean, etc.

In my experience "doing his part" usually consisted of playing Mafia Wars, checking fantasy football stats and taking a shit. Um, I even took out the garbage and mowed the lawn. But sure, let me take care of all that while he's "doing his part."

Oh, and here's my favorite...

5. An attractive spouse

 Did you get that? I said An attractive spouse.  Apparently we as wives and mothers get comfortable, i.e. dumpy, in this woman's mind.  We need to make an effort to be attractive for our spouse. We should freshen up before he gets home. Because there's nothing like feeling pretty when you've been slaving over a hot stove after a full day at work feeling like your face has melted, and you're covered in baby spit and boogers. Meanwhile when he gets home he flips on the TV, gets in some kind of crappywear, such as sweats or baggy shorts with holes in them and that shitty t-shirt he won't let you throw out, grabs a beer, makes himself comfortable, sticks his hand down his pants and farts on the couch. You know, because that is oh, so attractive.



The author of this article says that if you meet these five needs of your husband your will build a stronger marriage. Just like the article I wrote about Tuesday and yesterday, I say, what makes a strong marriage is mutual respect, open communication, honesty and spending time together, but also having interests outside each other and the home.


Without the things I mention, a marriage is bound to fail. With the 5 things the author of the Family Share article mentions, you're bound to turn into June Cleaver, telling your husband over a martini that he was a little too hard on the Beaver last night.