Are you meeting your wife/girlfriend's needs?

Okay, I'm writing another response article, this one goes along with yesterdays blog in which I responded to the article, Your husband has 5 basic needs, are you meeting them?

So, I'm writing this from MY point of view. I know all women are different and I can't speak for them all, but I'm sure many women are like me as well, and these are the things I think are possible big Man Fails in my book of relationship wisdom. (note that I say possible. You may be the most perfect man in the world and if so, I'm not talking to you).

1. Listening to her when she has a legitimate issue with you. Right. I know, I know. Note that I say legitimate though. I'm not talking about the women who nag all the time. I'm talking about the ones who know you don't like to talk about feelings so for the most part, keep them to ourselves. So when we do come to you and tell you something that's bothering us, at least have the courtesy to listen and maybe have a thoughtful response. Even if you don't agree with us, can you try to see where we're coming from and why and maybe try to find some middle ground. K? Thanks.


2. Respecting her. Please. This. Always this. Don't treat her like a submissive in front of friends or guests. It's embarrassing and demeaning. Definitely treat her with respect in front of your children. If you don't, you are teaching them how to treat her as well and that's not right or okay. Don't call her names. Don't tell her she's stupid. Don't do emotional, mental or physical harm to her in any way. You have no idea what this does to a person unless it's been done to you. And if it has been done to you and it's the only way you know how to be in a relationship, get counseling. Yeah, seriously, why are men so opposed to seeking counsel to save their relationships?

3. Giving her praise or show her you love and appreciate her in little ways every once in a while. You don't have to do this every day. No. We don't expect this. We NEVER expect this because it rarely happens. But we get used to finding out how NOT to do things. Or how NOT to cook things or clean things. When we do something you appreciate, let us know. "Wow, dinner was great tonight, honey, where'd you learn to cook like that?" "House looks great today, babe." "What'd you do, slave all day?" Give her flowers. Yeah, again, you don't have to do it all the time, but do it when she'd least expect it. And they don't have to be expensive. One stem. A tiny arrangement every so often. Leave her notes. For me, I don't need expensive gifts, but to be TOLD I'm loved and do a good job feels awesome. Oh, and yeah, I like flowers.


4. Giving her some "me" time. I'm not talking a lot. I mean, family first, right? But listen, a night out with the girlfriends a couple times a month isn't a death sentence. A girls weekend a couple times a year won't kill you either. And hey, when a stay-at-home-mom says she's going to the grocery store at night, don't suggest the kids go, even if they want to. In fact, YOU be the one to tell them they can't. Sometimes that's all the time the wife needs away to unwind after a long day cooking, cleaning and watching the little ones. Maybe a bath, going to get a massage. You and the children are not the end all be all of her existence...which brings me to number 5.

5. Letting her be her own person. Many women lose their identities when they get married. Especially those who decide to become stay-at-home moms. They live and breathe the family, doing nothing else but familycentric activities, vacations, etc. While that may be okay for some, for others it can eventually be utterly devastating. They get tired of being known as "Bob's" wife or "Jake and Emma's" mom. They are dejected  when friends stop calling asking them to go places because they're always busy with family. They need their own friends, own activities, own hobbies. They need to remain individuals apart from being a mom or a wife. Otherwise, they will get caught in an unhappy rut and will feel stuck, like the world is moving on without them like they are standing still.

So, that is how I feel and I don't think it's too hard. And guess what, guys? And ladies, you should read this too. It goes both ways. Your wives and girlfriends should be treating you the same way. See, this is being an equal in a relationship. This is having a mutual respect for each other while not pandering to or being dutiful like a servant.

A relationship is a partnership. Sure, there is give and take, but there is reciprocity, collaboration, support, understanding, affinity, and courtesy. Be kind always. Communicate. Always remember, that person you're with isn't just your significant other, but an individual who has interests outside of you. Those individual interests should be pursued with your support, otherwise they may be pursued, devoid of you.

The World is not Perfect

Sometimes when things are going good, the universe needs to balance itself out remind you that life cannot be perfect.

My daughters, I know they are not perfect, but they are beautiful and talented in their own ways and they are doing the best they can in school. They are weird and funny and inappropriate most the time and I love them for it.

I have a boyfriend who brings me flowers once a week and rarely lets me pay for dinner. When my vacuum breaks and he can't fix it (and he can fix mostly everything) he brings one to my house and tells me it fell off the back of a vacuum truck, then proceeds to vacuum half my house to check it out.

The work I do at my day job is awesome. I get to write and be creative and work part time so I can also write and be creative at home and try to continue to work on my goals of becoming a full time fiction writer some day.

I live in a lovely home, in a quiet neighborhood with a big yard, close to the girl's school.

Yes, that is all good. But then there are faulty memories and car accidents in life. There are delicate situations handled improperly by people who are supposed to care.  There are those who do not know when to shut their mouths and leave well enough alone and those who do not speak up when they should.

Balance. The Yin and Yang of life. It's necessary I suppose. Without it, what would we
be? A bunch of vapid, wastes of oxygen with no personality or purpose?

The balance, the struggles, the hard stuff, it challenges us, molds us, gives us character. I've faced many struggles in life and I wouldn't be who I am today without them, and I kind of like the me I am right now.

Also, adversity, it is a test of our strength. How much can we take? How much are we willing to take for the ones we care about, because sometimes the challenge isn't about us, sometimes it's in the name of our parent, child, or a complete stranger. Sometimes we have to be strong for someone else.

I'm not really a religious person, but all this reminds me of a quote from Mother Theresa:

So, I say bring it world. I thank you for all the good things I have, but I'm ready for the challenges too. I've been through worse. I've felt pain, I've seen death, I've hit rock bottom. It may be hard, I may cry, I may yell, but I'm pretty sure I can handle anything that comes my way.

Monkey Madness Monday: 2013 Bring it on!

It's the end of another year. Yowza, was it crazy. Here's why:

1.  Debut, um, 'nuf said?
2.  Class of 2k12. One of the best things about the year.
3. My friends Gae and Annemarie visited from NY for my debut, other best thing that happened this year.
4. Had to get out of my comfort zone for the numerous school visits, bookstore and library events I participated in.
5. Marketing, ugh.
6.  Online dating, um, yeah, crazy would be a good word though doesn't quite grasp the absoluteness of the craziness.
7.  Parted ways with my agent, the quest to find a new one.
8. Both kids in high school. When the hell did I get that old?
9. Thing One driving, a blessing and a curse.
10. Awesome trips, AZ, NY, the ocean, Portland...
11. Two rewrites, two new books, no 2nd book deal. :( (not yet)
12. Insomnia. ARG!
13. Lots of good books read (okay, lots for me, which is probably a drop to some of you)
14. New BF. I think this one's a keeper. 

Now, for the resolutions. I like to compare the new with the old, see my successes, find my shortcomings, plan for the future accordingly. So here we go...


Health:
Last year's goals - exercise more, 3 days a week at least work up to 5 hopefully. Healthier eating habits. 30 minutes of quiet reflection a day.

Results -  I didn't entirely fail on my health goals. I did exercise more. I walked a lot, bought a bike and biked quite a bit when the weather was decent. I started kickboxing. I feel good about it. I'd say I did the 3 a week mostly. Didn't quite make it to 5, only some weeks. I still eat pretty healthy. Quiet reflection? Not so much.

2013 goal - Keep up with the exercise, 3-5 times a week. Keep up with the healthier eating, cut down on my wine *sheds tear*. While I didn't give myself a weight goal last year, I really would like to drop some weight. I'm not going to put a number on it, just going to leave it at that. Quiet reflection...hmmm...I think I'll try this again. 30 minutes a day, huh? I'll try.

Writing:
Last year's goals - Finish rewrite (Dissected), write 2 books. I know those are lofty goals, but I think I can do it if I set my mind to it, set priorities, and plan my time better.

Results - I finished the rewrite. I also finished a major rewrite of another book and wrote 30k at Nano toward another book. So I didn't quite reach the goal, but I still feel okay about it. The major rewrite was essentially like writing a whole new book, and 30k is nothing to sneeze at.


2013 goals - Finish nano project, write 2 more books. yes, again lofty, but if I put my mind to it, I know I can do it. I also need to make some decisions. I've been contemplating 1) Entering ABNA 2) Self publishing 3) Finding an agent. I need to shit or get off the pot. I truly believe you will see another novel by yours truly on the shelves within the next two years whether it's self published or no.

Life:
Last year's goals -Figuring out how to balance work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life. Reading more, staying organized, travel more.


Results - Balance? I think I did okay, though would like to do better.
I read. I actually, without realizing until just now, reached my goal of one a month. I know I read at least twelve books. Gathering Storm, Scarlet, May B., Velveteen, Breathe of Eyre, The Wicked and the Just, Breaking Beautiful, Love and Leftovers, Hunger Games, Okay for Now, Inside Out and Back Again, Hooked...look at that. That's thirteen. :) That's all I can remember and probably all I've read unless you count self help and diet books, which I don't.
Organization? Um, I just cleaned my office. It was bad. So I'd say no. Fail.
Travel. As you see from my above list, I got some places. I'm good with it.


2013 goals - Probably the same. Keep balance, keep reading, keep organized, keep traveling.

Love:
Last year's goals - To learn to love myself unconditionally, accept the things about me that cannot be changed, and try to change the things that are under my control. To accept that I am human and therefore fallible. Try not to be too hard on myself when I fail, trust myself as well as those around me. Instead of trying so hard to find happiness, I will let it seek me out.

Results - Well, love myself? Mostly I think. Accept and change, I suppose. Too hard on myself? Trust? I still have issues I suppose. Sometimes my behavior disappoints me. I can't help it. Others? I think I mostly trust others, but at times I'm too trusting. I let people take advantage of me, my heart, my generosity and kindness.  Letting happiness find me. I suppose I may have tried to hard at first, but then I let it go. And guess what, it found me and right now at this moment on the last day of 2012 I can truly say that while life can be frustrating and stressful...I am happy.  Happier then I've been for a very long time.


2013 goals - Continue to love myself and others to the best of my abilities. Remember that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but it is just a part of life, who I am, and who I will be. As long as I keep growing and learning from the mistakes I make, it's fine. I need to continue to trust in myself and others, but I also need to be more careful when doing this and now not everyone has my best interests at heart. And I will continue to let happiness happen.

Happy New Year all. I for one am excited for the new year. There are things churning in my world that I'm excited about and cannot wait for the new year to begin. It's my wish for you that 2013 be filled with adventure, hope, bliss, and love.

Stay safe and sane. Do your driving sober. Peace.

Author copies, Christmas, and good bfs

Totally unrelated things I know.

First off, I want to say that I received a box of author copies in the mail a couple days ago.  And SQUEEEEEEE!!!!  They are so beautiful.  The cover is metallic and everything seems to pop off of it.

I was asked by my co-prezzie of the Class of 2k12, Caroline Starr Rose if I would read it again now that it was in realsies book form.

I think I just might read it again, this book I've read a bazillion times and got so sick of I wanted to toss it from the Narrows Bridge.  It's kind of different with it's metallic blue cover and it's dedication and acknowledgments, and playlist in the back.  It's a bit surreal to look at it and know it's mine.  I created it.  The title stands out more on the metallic cover than it did on the other, and the car pops off the page.  If I were walking through a bookstore, I would pick it up for sure.  And on the back where the description starts the words I had the dream again are the same as the title, same font, each letter a different color.  I am so in love with this book, more than I've been in a long time.  So yeah, I may read it again.


Now that I've written all that, I can't remember what I was going to say about Christmas. hmmmm.  I'll get back to that when (if) I remember.


To good boyfriends.  I told you the other day, this is a stressful time of year for me, not just because of the holidays but for other reasons.  The other day I was panicking because there were presents to wrap,  Christmas cards to create and send, and gift baskets to make (57 to be exact), and baking to be done, and my house was a mess, and 18 videos and dvds to make and, and, and...

this is not my bf but you get the picture

...and I have a boyfriend who tells me to breathe.  A boyfriend who comes over and folds my laundry, and does my dishes, and vacuums my floors, and makes me dinner while I make videos.  He does allow this poor pathetic girl to breathe.  And I feel much better.  My videos are close to being done, I did some of my baking yesterday, gift baskets, done (just need to be delivered which is fun), my house is clean (outside my office which I just may clean today), I've printed out my Christmas cards, most important, I still have presents to wrap, baking to do, a few more videos to Lightscribe, but I'm also still breathing.


Now about Christmas.  Still don't remember, but I do love waking up to the Christmas lights, to hell with the light bill.

Oh, yeah, and catch me on Julia Karr's 2k12 Days of Christmas today.


Happy Thursday all.  Hope it's a great day.

Monkey Madness Monday: Megan Messina Bostic is in a relationship with...

Too funny

Yep, I've been labeled.  I'm now someone's girlfriend.  This is a good thing.  We've been together for mmmm, at least a month now, known each other for four years (kind of.  too hard to explain at the moment), it's time to tell the world.

It's been a few months, having someone in my life that is.  This time it's different. Or maybe it's just because it's new.  Who knows?

I'm not used to having someone "do" for me.  I'm the one that is usually doing the "doing". (my god does that even make sense?)  That's not a bad thing either, I mean, in my marriage I was a stay at home mom, so I did for my kids and I did for my husband.  While former grew up and latter worked.

I've been on my own for over a year now, and I've grown accustomed to "doing" for myself be it housework, or putting things together or fixing shit.

My boyfriend (it almost says weird saying it or writing it for some reason) does for me.  It almost seems unreal.  He cooks for me (did I mention he's a chef? There goes my diet), he help me clean the kitchen, he put up my Christmas lights, changed light bulbs, wrapped my pipes.  In my moments of utter neuroticy (I made that word up), he calms me down and makes me take a moment to breathe.

So there it is.  Megan Messina Bostic is in a relationship (picture the Facebook red heart next to that statement).  So far, so good.

Oh, two more things.  Don't forget about my contest on Facebook.  You can win a bunch of Never Eighteen swag and a signed ARC.

Also, I cannot comment on blogs when the comment box is on the post page.  I can only comment if they load on pop outs or new pages.  Others may be having this problem too.  You may want to consider changing your settings on your comments if you're not getting comments.

F³A: non sequitirs

I see mustangs.  Ford mustangs to be exact.  It's weird, because I never noticed them before and now it seems like they're everywhere.  I'm sure  they've always been there, but even so, I'm taking it as a good omen for my novel, Never Eighteen to do well.  I'm sure you've seen the '69 mustang on the cover.  So, I'm going to start counting them, the ones I notice at least.  And posting here and on my Facebook fan page.

I have mentioned that my novel is available for pre-order at various online bookstores, right? like Amazon, B&N, Indie Bound, Book-a-Million, and Powell's. (nothing like a little blatant self promotion to start the day, right?)

This is not my body

okay, switching gears.  I'm going on a journey.  A weight loss journey.  I'm serious this time.  I'm sick of this stupid divorce weight.   I've already started exercising.  I've joined weight watchers online (which I'm not convinced is for me, but we'll see).  On Wednesdays, right here, I'm going to post my progress. My starting weight is . . . yeah, right.  Like I'm going to tell you.  Anyhoo, I figure if I have to post it online, it might keep me on track.  How embarrassing would it be to come here and tell you I've gained 2 pounds?

Did I mention my book release is scaring me to death?  I have my first writer event at the end of the month, which terrifies me.  Anyone who's read my book want to tell me which section I should read aloud?  I have a million postcards sitting here to go out to librarians, LA teachers, and bookstores.  They mock me, sitting there on my counter waiting for me to do something about it.  I haven't even finished my excel workbook of names and addresses.  I need to write a teacher's guide (or hire someone to do it, hint hint, any takers?), get my guest list going for my release parties, yes I said parties, create a letter for the marketing campaign my publicist and I came up with, finish my trailer, and, and, and . . .

I think I'm going to start a new vlog series.  It's too late for my idea of chronicles of a debut author.  You kind of get the idea of what I've gone through anyhoo.  This one will be called, Middle Aged Angst. It will be about writing, but it will also be about life as an over forty woman.  So there's that.  I'm going to try and begin this weekend, but don't hold me to that.

Have I mentioned the stress at my day job?  Websites, SEO, Blogging, Newsletter, and Goats.  That's all I'll say about that.

And did I also mention my boyfriend and I broke up?

Okay, I think I'm done ranting, raving, and rambling.

Here are the Friday Nibbles:

Random iPod shuffle song: Creep by Radiohead

Movie of the Week: I'm going to go with an Indie movie called Winning Season.  It stars Sam Rockwell and Emma Roberts about an alcoholic has been basketball player and coach hired to coach a pathetic girls team.  Loved it.

Book of the Week:  I've pathetically not started a book in weeks, so I'm going to keep giving Amy Fellner Dominy this position until I get her book read.  OyMG has been on my "reading" list on goodreads for about forever, yet I've not started it yet.  Nothing to do with Amy or her book, just my business. I've heard great things about it.  I think I will force myself to take the time to read.

Quote of the Week: I've got two this week.
"Been busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest." ~ Stephen King
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." ~ Henry David Thoreau (pathetically I almost spelled his last name Thorough)

Middle Schoolers: Boys

Middle school boys and the girls that love them.

Ugh. Thing One who is now in 8th grade, has not had a boyfriend up until now. She was never interested. She was into soccer and her grades. Yeah, um, not so much any more. Well, let me clarify, she still loves soccer, and is very good at it, the grades, we're going to have to work on that. While she excels in class and with her homework, she has not tested well, which brings her grade point average down. I believe this is due to her more active social life.

The cool thing now is to go to Wheels, the local skating rink. Is there any actual skating done? I know Thing Two skates, Thing One, no. She hangs out, and giggles, and gossips, and I've come to find out, her boyfriend can be found there on any given Friday night. A boyfriend I've never met. A boyfriend my husband has already dug a hole for in the garden. He's a 6th grader, but according to Thing Two, he's hot.

Thing Two is a different story all together. She's obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend. She's desperate for one. She's even asked boys out, which in 6th grade I have no idea what this means. Mom how do I look? Mom am I pretty? Mom why don't I have a boyfriend? I say all the things a mom should say (and it's not a lie, she's adorable, but men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses). I try to tell her to focus on soccer, and basketball, and school (and she should because getting good grades does not come easy for her). But all her friends have boyfriends. sigh.

It is so hard to teach a girl that having a boyfriend doesn't define who they are. But, I was there once. I was boy crazy, but these days, it scares me. The kids these days are way more advanced then I was when I was their age. And the technology age doesn't help matters with sexting and the like. ugh.

What do you do? You support them, talk to them honestly, which usually scares the hell out of them, you own all their passwords to all their accounts, email, facebook, hi5, etc, and you do random checks on their text messages. It's all we can do aside from lock them in a tower until their 30 (which my husband would do in a heartbeat).

That's all until tomorrow, when I talk about ATTITUDE.

Kisses

:*

Megan