I'm sure many of you can relate to this.
Just less than a year ago, life started becoming overwhelming. Too many things at once, ya know. Soccer four nights a week and all day Saturdays, plus managing my younger daughter's team. People asking me to make videos, host parties, do them favors, constantly. I mean, I don't work, I've got all the time in the world, right? Right. Of course my inability to say no didn't help in the situation. And in all likelihood, I've probably suffered from depression since about 1986 without being treated, so there's that. Anyway, so I'm juggling, kids, and husband, and house, and family, and friends, and soccer, and, and, and guess what, I drop them. Not one or two of these proverbial balls, but all of them.
First I stopped answering the phone, except for my husband. People, all of them, were driving me crazy. I was frustrated, irritated, and moody. I couldn't remember a day that I hadn't cried for some reason or other. In my mind, I knew whoever was on the other end of the phone line was going to want something from me. I just didn't want human contact. I wanted time to think, to contemplate my answers. I only communicated through e-mail and text. After one morning of five phone calls in a row, unanswered, I finally had to text my friend and tell her I was no longer taking phone calls. I thought this was perfectly normal. Even Rusty was telling people to just leave me alone, don't call, don't ask for anything, just leave me be. Some listened, some didn't.
Then I stopped everything else. I did little to manage my husband's soccer team, stopped volunteering at the kids school, stopped going anywhere, stopped doing anything for anybody. I couldn't even make simple decisions, like what to cook for dinner. So, I also stopped cooking, cleaning, filing paperwork, including some bills (yikes). The only thing I continued to do was write, which was good because I could take every emotion I was feeling and put it into what I was working on. Some of it turned out depressing, some angry, but in my opinion, it all turned out good (not perfect, but good). One result was my new novel Mending Fences.
January came around and I wanted everything to end. I'm not talking suicide. I'm not that brave, or cowardly, however you look at it. I mean, I just wanted everything and everybody to go away, including my family. I felt like a lousy wife, and an even worse mother. I just wanted to be alone. Call it what you will, rock bottom, nervous breakdown, midlife crisis, it's just a label.
My family was not too happy about this of course, and I was pretty much forced to get my mind straight. I was truly surprised when my doctor told me this was not normal behavior. LOL. She also told me I more than likely suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, of which apparently Washington state has an alarmingly high rate (can you say rain?).The course of action I took is not important, unless you want to know, I will be happy to share it, let's just say I'm better. I'm not perfect, but I'm better. I'm still my normal angsty self but I'm more productive, my mind is clearer, and I don't cry every day. These are all good things.
If you can relate, feel free to comment. If you have questions, please question me. If you think I'm crazy, I'd love to hear from you too.
Stay tuned tomorrow for my # 1 Worst Life Experience.
Yep, I can relate. I went through a major depression (or nervous breakdown, if you will) in the 1980s. Life circumstances exacerbated what I believe was a state of depression that had begun in my teens and which I still have today. Severe headaches lasting days were par for the course.
ReplyDeleteI forced myself to function as best I could (working full-time and taking care of 2 children), but all I wanted to do was sleep. I got antidepressant meds and things improved.
I attempted to stop taking the meds a couple years ago just to see what would happen. Nine months later, I was dragging again, wanting to sleep all the time, not interested in anything (not even writing), regularly suffering brutal headaches that lasted days. Back on the meds. Much much better. Almost no headaches. Much better state of mind.
Take care.
Can totally relate. I'm a situational sufferer of depression (so maybe only 6-12 times in my life, but they were doozies).
ReplyDeleteI've also been afflicted by helium-arm when it comes to saying 'yes' to every request...that usually causes me to shut down and drop everything too, but it's been a while since I let it get that bad.
I've especially been on the close-observer end of severe depression...the last couple of years are case in point. Some over the top stuff that didn't 'kill' me, so, you know, I'm better or whatever for it.
You're very compassionate toward yourself and others for sharing this and not sweating 'ooh, what will people think.' Who cares? People admire honesty UNBELIEVABLY much.
I admire you, my dear :)
Hey thanks for sharing. There was a time I was ashamed of all my "issues" but like jarucia said, who cares? It's part of me, why I am who I am. It's all good.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thanks for posting this! It takes some real guts to let this stuff spill out. And second of all, I can completely relate, because I've been in and out of some pretty debilitating depression for almost a year and a half now.
ReplyDeleteI graduated with my BA in psychology back in December of 2007, after which I quit my stable job, moved to a new city, and started a completely new life. It was quite an eye-opening experience, as I haven't been able to find a stable job in all that time. I feel like I've been in a free-fall since that point. I'm almost 24, and all the struggle has opened up a ton of problems I have with self-worth, stuff that's been buried for a long time, and it's just a viscious cycle that I can't seem to escape.
I'd love to hear how you got out of your depression, because I'm having a really difficult time with mine.
Counseling and medication. The latter which I fought to stay away from but finally conceded because things had gotten so bad. The counseling helped me with my family, the meds helped me with me.
ReplyDeleteI realized I was doing to much, spreading myself too thin, trying to please everyone, while not paying attention to what was important: my mental health.
The meds have been great, but you have to find what's right for you. The first one made me feel like a zombie. No emotion, tired, worthless after 1:00 pm. The ones I'm on now help me function, be productive, but still give me that emotional edge I need to be creative.
I hope that helps a bit. If you want to talk more, I'd be happy to.
Can I add that while many folks shy from meds, if you find that your usual coping mechanisms just aren't cutting it after a month or so, it might be okay to cut yourself some slack.
ReplyDeleteLast year I had a crisis that forced my hand on the meds issue. I took Lexapro for 2 months and by god it helped get me back on my feet.
I also sought counseling and support from my friends and family, so the 'trick' is to go at resolving the matter wholistically, as Megan indicates.
Again, M, you're one tough cookie.
I suffer from mild depression which has occasionally spiraled me down into the black depths. I take St. John's Wort religiously now and it's helped me more than I ever would have believed. I'm not selling it to you or anything - just letting you know what helped me.
ReplyDeleteAnd if the weather in cloudy Washington is getting to you, pack up the family and come to sunny Colorado where we get 300+ days of sunshine a year, every year. :-)
The weather isn't too bad here, and I definitely don't mind the rain, but we had an exceptionally bad year as far as weather goes. It was gray from about Sept to April. It's the gray that gets me down. But perhaps someday I can visit Colorado, I have a few new friends there. :)
ReplyDelete