Time to make some changes

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and it's time to set aside Creative Chaos. I know I just started using that a couple years ago, (has it been that long already?) but that's more who I am, not what I write or do. Plus, I'm going to be using that name for my publishing and indie author services business with my friend Rachel. Check it out (website is a work in progress, not completely done).

With a new brand, I need a new design, so my blog, my website is getting an overhaul. I'm just running through ideas in my head right now, but I think it will be fantastic (hope, wish, pray).

I also want to use my site as a platform to raise awareness for teen depression. You may wonder, why do we need to do that? Everyone knows about depression, right? Here's my take as someone who has suffered and probably has since high school...

I truly think teens may not know what depression looks like or feels like, therefore they may not know they're suffering. When I think back to my high school days, even my junior high days, I truly believe I suffered depression and had no idea until I was the ripe old age of 39 and having a nervous breakdown.

 They need to know where the outlets are for them to get help and have them at their fingertips so that they have a place to turn instead of harming themselves,  turning to drugs and/or alcohol, or worst case scenario, suicide.

Realizing that something is wrong and telling someone is key, but I think one of the hardest things to do.

And I'm not sure how I'm going to do it yet, but I'm going to start an awareness project myself and get the right people involved to help those who struggle. I know there are a couple others out there, but I'm not sure they fit with what I want to do. If you've got ideas, let me have them.

Monkey Madness Monday: Crazy

Do you ever feel like you're so completely out of your mind that you need to check yourself into a psych ward? Probably not, huh? I don't know, I've already reached rock bottom once, and I feel myself sinking again. It's not a fun place to be.

How do I swim to the surface again before the vortex sucks me down again? Here's what I'm going to do. Refocus. This last weekend I came to some conclusions, I need some time and space. I need to not spread myself so thin that it makes me crazy. I need to get some projects completed I need to focus on me. So...

I skipped an author event. Granted, after inviting me they left me off the list, so wouldn't have had my book there to sell, but it gave me the opportunity to skip out on it, which was awesome. I stayed home, I wrote, caught up on some cleaning and laundry which I hadn't done all week because I'd been so down in the dumps.

On Saturday I did the same thing.  I also went on an errand for some new kitchen towels, throwing out the old ones, and a visit to my parents.

Sunday I skipped one of my kids soccer games, which I rarely do. It was a beautiful day, so I threw in a two mile walk. I finished up the laundry, finished up the cleaning, and put together one of the five pieces of furniture that have been sitting in my garage for a few months.

Sunday was the first day in two weeks I woke up without a headache.

I also had to make some very difficult but necessary decisions. It's not easy to do and  we wonder if we're making mistakes, but sometimes, it's just the right thing for the time.

For the time being I'm going to say no. I'm going to skip things when I need to. I'm going to let my body rest when it tells me to. I'm going to finish some projects. I'm going to take my time and not set unreasonable deadlines for myself. I'm going to focus on getting my mind, heart, body and soul in order so I can propel upward and accomplish the things I want to in life before taking on any more serious commitments.

It's what's right for me.

At least for now...

F³A: Change

It's been a strange ride, this last few years.  From the most horrible things to the most wonderful things: depression, nervous break down, book deal, divorce, dating, winning friends, losing others, and amazing trips to Disneyland, Sundance, Arizona, New York.  Seriously, a tangible rollercoaster ride of life.

It's strange how our experiences in life can change us so dramatically.  They can change our feelings and emotions, our mental capacity.  They can change us physically (my changes added 25 pounds to me, which I need to get rid of STAT!)  Our experiences mold us into who we become.

I was once a submissive housewife.  Raising kids, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping.  I was the ultimate soccer mom, a title I don't think I deserve anymore.  Life has changed me.  I'm stronger mentally and emotionally.  I still do the household stuff, I have to because now it's just me and Thing One and Thing Two.  I only have my kids half time. I miss them terribly when they're not with me.  I have yard work.  Lots of it, which of course can only be done when the weather permits, which is sporadic at best here in the PNW. I'm still a soccer mom, only the ultimate has changed.  I no longer help at practice, I basically run the money and buy the uniforms.  That part of it saddens me.

I used to screw around on Facebook all the time, and writer forums.  Now since I've divorced and had to get a day job, there's really no time for that.  I sometimes feel I'm losing those connections I made through my writing.  That I'm not there as much and I'll be forgotten.  I miss many of those people who I daily emailed, who made me laugh all the time.  Those who I flirted with.  But like I said, life and experience changes people.

Now I'm a marketing coordinator. That's my title at my day job.  And I'm damn good at it.  I've saved the law firm thousands of dollars a year already.

And I'm a writer.  But along with that comes even more, and I don't think people know how much.  We have to sacrifice our time.  Because along with the writing comes making connections, and hours of editing, marketing, and promotion.  Sometimes the latter takes so much time I don't have time to write.  In fact, I haven't written a new word in weeks. 

Yep, a rollercoaster.  Do I have regrets?  Of course, who doesn't.  But this is the life I chose.  My experiences have taken me down this path, and it's a path I want.

This is me.  Writer, Marketer, Promoter, Editor, Mom, Maid, Cook, Assistant to myself.

Sorry for the lengthy discourse.  It happens when I think too much.

I'll leave you with the Friday Nibbles.

Random iPod shuffle song (Thing Two finally found her iPod, well actually, her dad did): Nicki Minaj, Right Through Me.

Book of the Week: OyMG by Amy Fellner Dominy.  Starting it today.  I've heard it's wonderful.  Amy is wonderful in her own right.  She is a member of the Class of 2k11.

Netflix of the Week: I'm sticking with Arrested Development.  I just finished the entire series. A show that ended before it's time should have been up.  It's hysterical

Quote of the Week: "If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."  ~Author Unknown

Top 4 Worst Experiences of My Life: # 2 Depression

I'm sure many of you can relate to this.

Just less than a year ago, life started becoming overwhelming. Too many things at once, ya know. Soccer four nights a week and all day Saturdays, plus managing my younger daughter's team. People asking me to make videos, host parties, do them favors, constantly. I mean, I don't work, I've got all the time in the world, right? Right. Of course my inability to say no didn't help in the situation. And in all likelihood, I've probably suffered from depression since about 1986 without being treated, so there's that. Anyway, so I'm juggling, kids, and husband, and house, and family, and friends, and soccer, and, and, and guess what, I drop them. Not one or two of these proverbial balls, but all of them.

First I stopped answering the phone, except for my husband. People, all of them, were driving me crazy. I was frustrated, irritated, and moody. I couldn't remember a day that I hadn't cried for some reason or other. In my mind, I knew whoever was on the other end of the phone line was going to want something from me. I just didn't want human contact. I wanted time to think, to contemplate my answers. I only communicated through e-mail and text. After one morning of five phone calls in a row, unanswered, I finally had to text my friend and tell her I was no longer taking phone calls. I thought this was perfectly normal. Even Rusty was telling people to just leave me alone, don't call, don't ask for anything, just leave me be. Some listened, some didn't.

Then I stopped everything else. I did little to manage my husband's soccer team, stopped volunteering at the kids school, stopped going anywhere, stopped doing anything for anybody. I couldn't even make simple decisions, like what to cook for dinner. So, I also stopped cooking, cleaning, filing paperwork, including some bills (yikes). The only thing I continued to do was write, which was good because I could take every emotion I was feeling and put it into what I was working on. Some of it turned out depressing, some angry, but in my opinion, it all turned out good (not perfect, but good). One result was my new novel Mending Fences.

January came around and I wanted everything to end. I'm not talking suicide. I'm not that brave, or cowardly, however you look at it. I mean, I just wanted everything and everybody to go away, including my family. I felt like a lousy wife, and an even worse mother. I just wanted to be alone. Call it what you will, rock bottom, nervous breakdown, midlife crisis, it's just a label.

My family was not too happy about this of course, and I was pretty much forced to get my mind straight. I was truly surprised when my doctor told me this was not normal behavior. LOL. She also told me I more than likely suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, of which apparently Washington state has an alarmingly high rate (can you say rain?).The course of action I took is not important, unless you want to know, I will be happy to share it, let's just say I'm better. I'm not perfect, but I'm better. I'm still my normal angsty self but I'm more productive, my mind is clearer, and I don't cry every day. These are all good things.

If you can relate, feel free to comment. If you have questions, please question me. If you think I'm crazy, I'd love to hear from you too.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my # 1 Worst Life Experience.