Fine. I'm intolerant.

If you want to throw that word back in my face, feel free. Because I voluntarily admit to the following:

• I believe in marriage equality.
• I do not like not practice racism.
• I believe waving a Confederate flag is a slap in the face to all African Americans and their ancestors who worked so hard for their civil rights.

Therefore, if you're racist, don't think people should be able to marry who they want, or feel that proudly waving the Confederate flag is only a show of southern pride and heritage, I disagree - vehemently - with you.

Call it what you want. I've unfriended a couple people from Facebook this week because of it. I'd not be surprised if I was also unfriended. However, if you call me intolerant because I think people should have equal rights and should be treated with respect then I'll own that label.

Let's start with the freedom to marry whomever we choose.  Most of the opposition is due to religious belief that marriage belongs between a man and woman because the bible says so.

Sure, your bible said so (Leviticus 20:13). The book is also 3,400 years old. Are we bound to ethical and moral judgments made by those living thousands of years ago and in a completely different culture than our own? Plus, the bible has been translated thousands of times over the years. Can we trust its accuracy?

Would Jesus keep to the archaic law of the land as written in the bible if he were here today? You do realize there is a whole shit ton of other crap forbidden in the bible, right? I'm pretty sure you're not abiding by those either. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. Divorce. In his gospel, Mark is pretty clear about divorce. 10:9 “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” And how about this one 10:11-12, “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.’” Are you remarried? Adulterer!!!
2. Bastards. You can't go to church. Ever. Do you think Bristol Palin takes her baby to church? Deuteronomy 23:2 “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” That's pretty harsh.
3. Pork. You love your bacon right? Who doesn't? But, uh-oh, according to the bible, swine is off
   
   limits. Leviticus 11:7-8 "And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.
4. Seafood. Guess what else you're not supposed to eat.  Leviticus 10-11 "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you. They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination." Kiss your clams, oysters, shrimp and mussels goodbye. Mwaa!
5. Ink. You like that butterfly tramp stamp you got when you were 22? Or the tribal or Celtic band around your bicep? According to Leviticus, you're in trouble. 19:28 "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD."
6. Virginity. You want to get laid before the wedding? Nope, not according to Deuteronomy 22:20-21. "But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

For many of these transgressions the penalty is death. DEATH!! Aside from not being a bastard, I have broken every single one of these rules. Do you think I'm going to hell?

Honestly, I could go on and on. Wearing clothing of two types of fabric, trimming your beard, getting a bowl cut...the list goes on. Oh, and ladies, don't help your husband in a fight. The penalty is losing your damn hand! "Oh, sorry honey, I'd love to help you fight that mugger, but God might sever my hand with a bolt of lightning..."

If you don't follow the above rules, don't tell a homosexual that they can't marry, which by the way, is not in the bible...

How about we remember these bible verses instead:
Matthew 22:39 :"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
James 4:11-12 "There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?"
Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
 Psalm 145:9 ^"The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works."
 1 John 1:8 "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us."

Then there's this guy, who tells us why Leviticus is inadmissible evidence. 

And with July 4th coming up, let's not forget about the Declaration of Independence...

"...all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

 

I've spouted off so much about this topic, that I'm going to save the other for tomorrow...until then...

A step in the right direction

I finally found a paying gig. It won't be a lot of work or money (maybe I can work myself into more if I'm, ya know, awesome), but I finally connected with a blogger that liked my writing style. And I must say, it's a good fit for me. She had me write her an article as a test. A paid test. *visualize Megan doing a happy dance*

What I love about it is I can be myself when I write. The blog wasn't looking for AP Style or Chicago Manual yadda yadda yadda. They were just looking for someone who could speak to their readers. Someone who could be honest, informative, witty, and funny. Someone that is on the same level. Someone relatable.

Um, over here...that's me.

So, I know you're asking yourself, what are you writing? (okay, just pretend you are) I get to share with the blogosphere, my dating and relationship experiences. How cool is that? (even if you don't think it's cool, just pretend you do) I get to write just like I do here. Casual, matter of fact. I even get
to throw in some gentle cussing. (sadly, no "f" bombs).

Ex boyfriends,  you might want to steer clear.

When my first article is published, it will be on Attract The One  - Smart, Blunt Relationship Advice for Women.

Don't worry, you'll be the 2nd to know when the article is out (okay, probably right after Facebook and Twitter).

I'm super excited and you should be too (maybe you just don't know it yet).

Love is in the air

For some of you, I guess. Not me. I've not had a boyfriend in over six months now. Yes. I think that could be a record folks. None of them were ever the right fit, I suppose. Well, I thought one was, but he had other ideas.

Why don't any of them work? Here's the thing with me...I'm a very passionate person. I believe in love. I want to be in love again some day. When I meet someone and fall for them, I fall hard and fast. Probably too fast, and most of them seem to be the same way. So you get two people jumping into a committed relationship at break neck speed and what do you get? A break up.

I've learned that if I want to find the "one," I need to take my time. I need to be patient. Things that look good on the outside, or initially, usually end up being not quite what you expected, or not quite what you truly want. (okay, me. I'm talking about me)

So what am I looking for? I suppose since I was married for close to two decades and have dated a lot, I have figured out what works and what doesn't work for me. These are some of the things I'm looking for...

• A nice face. It doesn't have to be a supermodel face, just a pleasant one with a nice smile.
• A sense of humor. If I can't laugh at you, or near you, you're no good to me.
• Brains. Not in the zombie sense, but Jesus, please be able to carry on a conversation.
• Job, car, home of your own. Be able to support yourself, drive yourself and either don't live with mom, or make it so I'm able to kick you out of my house if I need some alone time.
• Promptness. A little late is fine, but seriously, anything past 15 minutes is agro.
• Your pets...I used to not want to date someone with pets, but soon realized that cut the dating pool down by like 75% So if you have pets, keep them clean, keep your house vacuumed and try not to let it lick me, jump on me, or sniff my crotch or butt. Big turn off, plus, allergies. And if it gets far enough that I'm sleeping over, I do not want to share you or your bed with your animal.
• I used to want to not date anyone with kids under the age of 12. I mean, my kids are nearly adults and I don't need babysitters or to find care for them if I want to skip town (the latter is the same way I feel about pets). I'm flexible on the age thing now. Depends on the kid and the parent. If your kid is a brat, more than likely, our parenting skills may not mesh and I won't like your kids and I'll be out of there before I can say, let me get my coat.
• Don't be cheap. I like to go out. I'm not saying you have to pay every time, I'm perfectly fine with paying 50% of the time (when I have a job, I just lost mine, but I intend to be back to work asap). So, you take me out, I'll take you out.
• Be an equal partner. I'm not to be controlled. I'm not to do your bidding (babysitting, housework, laundry, etc.) These things are a joint venture.
• Give me my space. I'm in my 40s and have been divorced now for nearly 5 years. I like time to write, exercise, binge watch shit on Netflix, go out with the girls, go for girl weekends...you will not always be invited. Have a hobby and friends so you can do your thing while I'm doing mine.
• Embrace the "F" word because you will hear it come from my mouth.
• Don't force your religion on me. I don't do religion.

That's about it. That's not too high maintenance, is it? Maybe it will happen some day, or maybe I'll become a crazy cat lady. Who knows?

Tell me what you want in a person.

Okay, gotta go. Spending Valentines with two chicks and some lobster tail.

Happy Valentines Day. Stay safe.

More accounting, more goals

 I actually found my goals from last year. I'm not sure I did a great job attaining
them, but let's see what I did get accomplished.

Life:
Last year's goals - screw balance and take things one by one.
Um, seriously, that was my goal. I am pretty sure I did that although some of the other stuff in this section...I'm not sure. Here they were...

• Work - Who cares?: Pretty much nailed that.
  
• Writing - An hour a day. Um, no. I mean technically, probably yes, but not fiction writing. Writing for work, proposals and no, I'm not even counting my social media, but not the writing I intended to do although I would almost guarantee I wrote more this year than last. My plan is to finish the book I'm writing and rewrite another.
• Marketing - An hour a day. Probably, though again, not the marketing I intended to do which was for my book, Dissected. The marketing I did was for my new business. I'll continue this.
• Kids - My kids and I have already decided to commit one day a week to each other in which we have dinner and spend the evening together doing something, with no one else, just us. Hahahaha. But seriously, Um...I blame them.
  
• Organization - Um...I'll work on it. That's all I can say. Pretty much all I can say for this year too. I'm just not an organized person. I mean, I know where all my piles are, and where the important things are in those piles, but...yeah.
• Travel - Yes. I did this: Ocean, AZ, Mexico, Florida, San Francisco...I'll try to keep it up this year. I love to travel. And I still have my dream to drive cross country. Anyone want to go with me?

Love:
2014 goals - If I want to throw my heart at someone, it's mine to throw. If they break it into tiny pieces and throw it back at me, it's just another of life's lessons learned the hard way and I have another story to tell. Er, I'm not sure that was exactly a goal. I went on and on in this one last year and made absolutely no sense.  Soooo, goal #1, love me first, everyone else second. Goal #2, as far as relationships are concerned, don't look for love, let it find me if it will. If it doesn't, just be happy and take advantage of the time alone to get things accomplished. What more can you do?

 
 
A few more goals I had last year:

• Smile more. :) - Maybe I did this? Who knows? I'll keep trying.
• Visit my parents at least once a week. Probably pretty close. Still intend to do so and throw in, make sure my kids visit them once a week. Life is shorter than we think. Show the people you love you care.
•  Learn patience or at least learn to breathe a little. Hahaha, er...okay, I'll try again this year.
  
• Shut up and listen. Yes. I think I do this. I think.
• Dance in my living room when no one's home. Um...I don't think I did this, but it's a good idea, so I'll try again.

Those were all last years. I think I will add one about Friendships - Handle them with care. Broaden my horizons more. Meet up with people I haven't for a while and try to meet new people. Don't let anyone define who I am. Don't let anyone bring you down. If a friendship isn't working or feels like it's one sided, end it.

Another goal is to Read More - I tried this last year. I'm really not sure how I did. I mean, I didn't read all the fiction I wanted to. I set out to read 12 works of fiction and that didn't happen. From my list, I did read...

• Insurgent
• Allegiant
• The Summer of Letting Go
• The Fault in our Stars
• 1/2 of the Bell Jar 

I stopped reading Bell Jar because I was in a bad place while reading it and it's not exactly a picker upper. I did throw an extra book in there that was not on my list, Grasshopper Jungle. Also, I read a ton of business books, so I would guarantee I read at least 12 books last year if not more.

So, I'm going to get back to the 12 fiction books again and here's my plan:

1. Finish the Bell Jar
2. Another John Green Book, don't know which one yet.
3. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn
4. Eleanor and Park - Rainbow Rowell
5. 100 Sideways Miles - Andrew Smith
6.  Anything one of my friends publish. If that happens.
7. Nothing Special - Geoff Herbach
8. Before I Fall -  Lauren Oliver
9. Very Bad Men  -  Harry Dolan
10. Noggin - John Corey Whaley
11. Go Ask Alice - Anonymous
12. Auracle - Gina Rosati

What are your goals for the next year? Have any reading goals? Where will life take you in 2015?

Those who give you strength

I have been tested much in the last three years, but I think none as much as I have in the last three weeks. I cannot give you all the details of my struggles, as some are very personal and some involve people I love very much. But today's blog isn't really about that it's about those not directly involved in those struggles. It's about the people in life that give you strength.

It's so important to have people in your life to lift you up when you're feeling low, to pick you up when you've fallen, to keep you going when you think you can take no more.  I'm very lucky to have people like that in my life.

Anyway, I just want to dedicate today's blog to those people and thank them, and hope that I too am that person to them.

You know who you are.

 

Here are the Friday Scribbles for your entertainment...

Pandora queue: Landon Pigg, Falling in Love in the Coffee Shop. LOVE

Book of the Week: Allegient by Veronica Roth. I like it, not as well as the first two, but still...it's getting better.

Netflix of the Week: I started watching Sons of Anarchy again. For some reason I stopped right before the first season ended. I just lost interest. When I say right before, I mean at the very last episode. When I started again, I didn't know why. Pretty good.

Quote of the Week: “What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Traveling with Parents

I've recently returned from a vacation with my parents. They have a house in Scottsdale, AZ and a couple months ago, after I got my Christmas bonus from work, I decided that I was not going to pay off ALL my bills, I was going to get my ass into the sun to refill my vitamin D levels (you know how gray it gets in the PNW this time of year?) and relax because I've been so stressed out.

It was a wonderful trip, and coming home was bittersweet. My mom didn't want me to leave. She was staying there another week. I could have stayed there with her, the weather having been in the upper 70s the entire time I was there, but I had children, a job and a boyfriend I wanted to get back to.

Being on vacation alone with my parents, I learned a few things about myself and them that I thought I would share with you.

My parents:

~ They've turned into the Bickersons i.e. my grandparents, but only where two things are concerned, driving and cooking.

When they picked me up from the airport, traffic was heavy, as I came in during rush hour. They decided to take an alternate route. As I sat in the backseat, I listened to them squabble about which street would take them which way, which went through, etc, etc,. I felt like I was a kid again on a cross country road trip. I wondered where my barf bag was and why my brother wasn't slapping me in the head.

My dad and I put together Bracioles for the football games on Sunday, and there were a few debates when it came time to cook them. My dad didn't heat the oil first. I told him to, but he didn't listen. When my mom saw this...then it was too much oil, then not enough sauce...you get my drift.

Other than those two things, my parents are a loving couple who take care of each other well.

~ I'm not sure what's going on with my mom's hearing, but it's a little contradictory. I'll be sitting there right next to her talking to her and have to repeat everything I say. But if I'm sitting at my computer and I say something inadvertently to myself, she could be in the other room and hear me. Mind you, she will still say, "What?" but she still hears me.
~House cams are cool...and creepy. My dad has one at his home here and one

down in AZ. He says it's for safety, I think it's so he can check on his cat, Maxx and make sure he's being properly taken care of. And he can talk to you through the camera. He did it to me in AZ and it scared me to death at first.
~ They have a set routine. This may just be the vacation routine, but here it is.

• Dad up, coffee, breakfast, newspaper.
• He gets mom up to take pills, makes her breakfast, she drinks coffee, reads the paper, watches TV.
• He takes a walk (which I did with him).
• Mom and I would sit outside while my dad tooled around the house. I have no idea what he was doing. I know part of the time he was on his computer, but he wears a pedometer and has to get his 10k steps in, so I know he's also doing other things like taking out the garbage, probably changing light bulbs and stuff, because he always gets his 10k in.
• Lunch is somewhere in there.
•  Errand running (this is sometimes done after the walk, but many times we did it in the afternoon).
•  Down time. Mom would nap, I would write or play on the computer, my dad would do his tooling around again.
• Dinner.
• TV, which consisted of three game shows, Let's Ask America, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, then many episodes of some type of Law & Order show. I didn't even know they watched Law & Order.
• Bed.

Drinks were spread sporadically between  down time and bed. We threw in a couple other things, went to the neighbors to visit during the 'Down Time' one evening. Mom and I went shopping  one morning after I walked with my dad, must most the time, the above was the schedule. And I could only stomach one or two L&O episodes then would adjourn to my room for Damages, reading or sleeping.

~ My parents are still two of the smartest people I know. Seriously, just watch Jeopardy with them.

Me:

~ I'm not too shabby myself, when it comes to Jeopardy.
~ Replacing a heat pump is expensive and loud. Avoid it at all costs.

~ I can still read a book in days if I set my mind to it. I read Insurgent by Veronica Roth in 5 days, and that was only at a couple hours a day. Do you know how thick that book is? I even bought Allegiant for my Kindle while I was there (I never read on my Kindle, of course I ordered the hardback as soon as I got home. It should be here today). I'm going to try to make more time to read more books this year.
~ I have no will power when it comes to Italian bread. I can resist any kind of sweets you throw at me, but throw a loaf of Italian bread in my direction, and it's all over.
~ I need to take some time to recharge. I just normally don't know how to do it. On vacation with my parents, I'm forced to do it. I'm forced to sit and do nothing but take walks, read or write. I have to find a way to balance everything I have at home, but to squeeze that time in too. It may be a matter of giving on some other things. Social life, Netflix...but I know it will be worth it. I feel so good after a long weekend of doing nothing.
~  Avoiding becoming a Bickerson, I want the same kind of lasting and loving relationship my parents have.  My mom has had some health issues this year, and I see how my dad has lovingly cared for her. This June they will celebrate their 50th Anniversary. I know I will not have a relationship that lasts that long; if I found someone right now and lived another 50 years I'd be 95 (okay it's possible, but probably not plausible). But seriously, all kidding about their bickering aside, they have a love that has endured hardships and pain, good times and bad, and I hope I find one even half as binding as theirs.

Next trip: Weekend road trip with 8 teenagers. Oy. Wish me luck.

2013 accounting and 2014 intentions.

This year flew by. Seriously, I have no idea where it went. I feel like I was just doing I made the year before and see how I did and then set some goals for the next year.
resolutions
this. If you've not read my blog in December before, I like to go through the

But first, let's talk about the year. It's had its ups and downs...

1.  For the first couple months I continued to visit schools and talk about Never Eighteen and then I got sick and tired of it and decided it was time to work on getting something new out.
2. Never Eighteen was nominated for its first award, the New York City Reading Association's Charlotte Award. 
3. Never Eighteen got a book deal in Brazil.
4. Battled with my ex-agent over my film and movie rights. There was no winner, even though I have them now.
5. After querying approximately 3 agents I decided toke the plunge and indie publish. CRAZY!!
6. I took some amazing trips, Arizona with friends and my daughters, my first time to Vegas with a new friend, a few trips to the ocean, Lake Chelan.
7. Got to meet writer friends Taylor McCleve, Bettina Restrepo, Suzanne Lazear, and Liz Fichera, Jenny Milchman on my travels (or theirs). Forgive me if I forgot anyone!!
8. I've seen come great live music, small and big shows that included my daughter's band, and private show with Ian McFeron for my niece's birthday, the friend of a friend who plays some awesome Americana, my brother's band Smilin' Jack, Stephanie Anne Johnson, Pearl Jam...
9.  Dating, well, hmmm, it happened. Times were good, times weren't so good. Now they're great.
10. Both kids driving. Oy. Thing two gets her license next month.
11. One book edited, a new one started, and one...
12. ...Indie published!! Woot! A nerve wracking and awesome experience. Will I do it again? Hell yes!
13. I call this "The Year of Great Sleep".  If you've followed my blog, you know I've been having this health problem, and yes I call it a health problem, in which I have to sleep 2-3 hours a day, in the middle of the day which drives me nuts. I've done everything, tested everything and it's not diet, exercise or anything else. Trying a couple more things...frustrating.
14.  Read lots of good book. Lots for me at least, which is probably just a few for you, lets see, Divergent, Catching Fire, Mockingjay, Joe Peace, Cover of Snow...I'm pretty sure I've read more than that...those are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head.

Now, for the resolutions. Let's see how I did, and if I didn't succeed, how I will adjust in the upcoming year to try to achieve these goals.

Health:
Exercise 3-5 times a week. Eat healthier, cut down on my wine. Drop some weight. I didn't put a number on it. Quiet reflection 30 minutes a day.

Results -  HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. I did good with the exercise, kickboxing 3 times a week...until "The Year of Great Sleep" caught up with me. Then I just couldn't do it any more. I have started walking again though and it feels good. Eat healthier, for the most part. Cut down on wine, yes! Drop weight. I dropped it, then I picked it back up, then I dropped it again, then I picked it back up. I did that a couple times within the 10 pound range. Last time I checked I was down, but I'm pretty sure I've gained during the holidays so I've not checked, and I'm not going to until I fee liked I've dropped a couple pounds. Quiet reflection 30 minutes a day...EPIC FAIL.

2014 goal - Hope what I'm doing for "The Year of Great Sleep" works and keep walking and when I feel up to it, get back to kickboxing. Eat better. Cut out more sodium specifically. Stop eating popcorn for dinner and cook more. Considering going gluten free, but I REALLY like my half bagel in the morning with Laughing Cow cheese. Try to lose 10 pounds by my birthday in April. Quiet reflection for 10 minutes a day. Maybe that's more doable.

Writing:
Last year's goal was to finish my nano project and write 2 more books. And I was making decisions between these three things: 1) Entering ABNA 2) Self publishing 3) Finding an agent.

Results - I scrapped the nano project. I may pick it up at some point, but for now, it's Yay me!!
on the back burner. I have other projects I want to finish first. Write 2 more books? Was I completely insane when I wrote that? Drunk? Possessed by some kind of writing demon? HAHAHA yeah, that didn't happen. I did start one. I got up to 21k. Nothing to sneeze at. And of the last 3 items I did enter ABNA and of course I self published Dissected.
 
2013 goal - Definitely not to write 2 books this year. I know that's not going to happen. I do want to finish the one I'm writing. I would also like to self publish another in late summer early fall - my football book titled, Girl in Motion. And possibly edit my school shooting book and work on my dystopian series, though that's getting a little lofty.

Life:
Last year's goals -Better balancing work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life. Reading more, staying organized, travel more.


Results - I think I did worse with the balance this year than the previous and I blame that on "The Year of Great Sleep." You seriously have no idea how debilitating it's been. I do want to read more. I have certain books on my TBR list, Insurgent, I've been wanting to read some John Green, my friend Gae's 2nd book comes out and sounds amazeballs (I've already pre-ordered it), I have other friend's books to get to still...so many books, so little time. Organization, oy. Um, I think I was better although my office was messy from July to October. I bought a new desk and other furniture to get me organized. I have yet to put three more pieces together, but I'll get there. Travel more...I traveled as much as I could I think.

2014 goal - Balance...screw balance. I'm going to take these things one by one...

• Work - Who cares?
• Writing - An hour a day. I think I can promise myself that, can't I? It's not too much to ask of myself?
• Marketing - An hour a day. I may break this down even more, weekly tasks or monthly, like send out so many books or postcards, or do a live event a month, IDK yet. 
• Kids - My kids and I have already decided to commit one day a week to each other in which we have dinner and spend the evening together doing something, with no one else, just us.
• Organization - Um...I'll work on it. That's all I can say.
• Travel - Yes. I will be going to the ocean, in fact, I'm starting the year out there. I know there will be more trips to the ocean and I will be going to Arizona, Mexico, and Florida, these things are for sure. Other than that, I don't know. One of these days I want to take my daughters to NY. Before I am too old, I need to do my drive across the country. I've only been wanting to do it since I graduated high school. Maybe this should be the year. I should really do it before I'm 50 at least.

Love:
Last year's goals - To love myself and others to the best of my abilities. Remember that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but it is just a part of life, who I am, and who I will be. As long as I keep growing and learning from the mistakes I make, it's fine. Continue to trust in myself and others, but I also need to be more careful when doing this and know not everyone has my best interests at heart. And I will continue to let happiness happen.

Results - Let's see...hahaha, um, I tried really hard to love myself and sometimes I was hugely successful at it and sometimes I epically failed. It's pretty much impossible not to remember that I'm fallible and make mistakes. I've gotten used to it. Totally kidding, but yeah, I'm okay making mistakes. As humans we never stop growing and learning and I'm okay with that. I think I become a better more interesting person every year. And maybe even a little more profound. I don't know. happiness happen, I do, but I also

2014 goals - I pretty much love me for who I am. I think I'm a pretty cool cat. I'm crazy pants, but I think they help me appreciate when life is good and right. They remind me of times in which I was really low and how I don't ever want to go back there. I found a quote I love - "...but for the dark, we'd never see the stars." I've been writing it in Dissected when I sign it. As far as mistakes and fallibility go, I'm going to keep doing that and keep learning and growing as a person and keep feeling and experiencing life. Our mistakes, our experiences our adventures is what makes us interesting, unique. They are what give us stories to tell. Trust...who cares...if I want to throw my heart at someone, it's mine to throw. If they break it into tiny pieces and throw it back at me, it's just another of life's lessons learned the hard way and I have another story to tell.

Or maybe I'm just narcissistic to think that because, well, I am. I don't trust myself. Period. Pttthhh. I don't care. I do stupid stuff. I make bad decisions, mistakes. I'm okay with it. See sentences above. I trust others though, but I've become jaded and skeptical. I'm careful these days. And I let
like a little sadness from time to time.
smart, I'm funny, I'm adorable, but I do have moments of self loathing, but to be perfectly honest, in a way I like those moments and I think I need those low moments, as long as I don't have them too often. I don't know if this sounds completely

A few more goals I have:

• Smile more. :)
• Visit my parents at least once a week.
•  Learn patience or at least learn to breathe a little.
• Shut up and listen.
• Dance in my living room when no one's home.

I'll probably come up with more, but you're not supposed to take on too many resolutions or you're setting yourself up for failure. I blogged about that for the day job last week. That blog comes out on New Year's Eve. You should check it out.

Are you making resolutions? What are they?

Have a great New Years Eve and Day. Stay safe and sane.

Monkey Madness Monday: 2013 Bring it on!

It's the end of another year. Yowza, was it crazy. Here's why:

1.  Debut, um, 'nuf said?
2.  Class of 2k12. One of the best things about the year.
3. My friends Gae and Annemarie visited from NY for my debut, other best thing that happened this year.
4. Had to get out of my comfort zone for the numerous school visits, bookstore and library events I participated in.
5. Marketing, ugh.
6.  Online dating, um, yeah, crazy would be a good word though doesn't quite grasp the absoluteness of the craziness.
7.  Parted ways with my agent, the quest to find a new one.
8. Both kids in high school. When the hell did I get that old?
9. Thing One driving, a blessing and a curse.
10. Awesome trips, AZ, NY, the ocean, Portland...
11. Two rewrites, two new books, no 2nd book deal. :( (not yet)
12. Insomnia. ARG!
13. Lots of good books read (okay, lots for me, which is probably a drop to some of you)
14. New BF. I think this one's a keeper. 

Now, for the resolutions. I like to compare the new with the old, see my successes, find my shortcomings, plan for the future accordingly. So here we go...


Health:
Last year's goals - exercise more, 3 days a week at least work up to 5 hopefully. Healthier eating habits. 30 minutes of quiet reflection a day.

Results -  I didn't entirely fail on my health goals. I did exercise more. I walked a lot, bought a bike and biked quite a bit when the weather was decent. I started kickboxing. I feel good about it. I'd say I did the 3 a week mostly. Didn't quite make it to 5, only some weeks. I still eat pretty healthy. Quiet reflection? Not so much.

2013 goal - Keep up with the exercise, 3-5 times a week. Keep up with the healthier eating, cut down on my wine *sheds tear*. While I didn't give myself a weight goal last year, I really would like to drop some weight. I'm not going to put a number on it, just going to leave it at that. Quiet reflection...hmmm...I think I'll try this again. 30 minutes a day, huh? I'll try.

Writing:
Last year's goals - Finish rewrite (Dissected), write 2 books. I know those are lofty goals, but I think I can do it if I set my mind to it, set priorities, and plan my time better.

Results - I finished the rewrite. I also finished a major rewrite of another book and wrote 30k at Nano toward another book. So I didn't quite reach the goal, but I still feel okay about it. The major rewrite was essentially like writing a whole new book, and 30k is nothing to sneeze at.


2013 goals - Finish nano project, write 2 more books. yes, again lofty, but if I put my mind to it, I know I can do it. I also need to make some decisions. I've been contemplating 1) Entering ABNA 2) Self publishing 3) Finding an agent. I need to shit or get off the pot. I truly believe you will see another novel by yours truly on the shelves within the next two years whether it's self published or no.

Life:
Last year's goals -Figuring out how to balance work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life. Reading more, staying organized, travel more.


Results - Balance? I think I did okay, though would like to do better.
I read. I actually, without realizing until just now, reached my goal of one a month. I know I read at least twelve books. Gathering Storm, Scarlet, May B., Velveteen, Breathe of Eyre, The Wicked and the Just, Breaking Beautiful, Love and Leftovers, Hunger Games, Okay for Now, Inside Out and Back Again, Hooked...look at that. That's thirteen. :) That's all I can remember and probably all I've read unless you count self help and diet books, which I don't.
Organization? Um, I just cleaned my office. It was bad. So I'd say no. Fail.
Travel. As you see from my above list, I got some places. I'm good with it.


2013 goals - Probably the same. Keep balance, keep reading, keep organized, keep traveling.

Love:
Last year's goals - To learn to love myself unconditionally, accept the things about me that cannot be changed, and try to change the things that are under my control. To accept that I am human and therefore fallible. Try not to be too hard on myself when I fail, trust myself as well as those around me. Instead of trying so hard to find happiness, I will let it seek me out.

Results - Well, love myself? Mostly I think. Accept and change, I suppose. Too hard on myself? Trust? I still have issues I suppose. Sometimes my behavior disappoints me. I can't help it. Others? I think I mostly trust others, but at times I'm too trusting. I let people take advantage of me, my heart, my generosity and kindness.  Letting happiness find me. I suppose I may have tried to hard at first, but then I let it go. And guess what, it found me and right now at this moment on the last day of 2012 I can truly say that while life can be frustrating and stressful...I am happy.  Happier then I've been for a very long time.


2013 goals - Continue to love myself and others to the best of my abilities. Remember that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but it is just a part of life, who I am, and who I will be. As long as I keep growing and learning from the mistakes I make, it's fine. I need to continue to trust in myself and others, but I also need to be more careful when doing this and now not everyone has my best interests at heart. And I will continue to let happiness happen.

Happy New Year all. I for one am excited for the new year. There are things churning in my world that I'm excited about and cannot wait for the new year to begin. It's my wish for you that 2013 be filled with adventure, hope, bliss, and love.

Stay safe and sane. Do your driving sober. Peace.

F³A: The Fruits of My Labor

Writing. Sometimes it seems so unrewarding. I mean, most people will never see their work published. Of course with the rise of self publishing I supposed that's changed, which has its advantages and drawbacks.

But I digress.

Even those that are published--how many unpublished manuscripts do they have collecting metaphorical dust on their computer. I have at least six.

And when you're published, self or traditionally no matter,  you cannot believe how much work you have to do to market it. I mean, it's not going to sell itself. I've spent so much money and time trying publicize me, Never Eighteen. I'm constantly exhausted.

Sometimes it seems like it's not even worth the trouble.

But it is, isn't it?

Writers don't write for notoriety or money (well most, I mean there are those big names that are now just churning out shit to make a buck. They probably aren't even writing their own books anymore. I'm not naming names).

We write for ourselves. Because it's cheaper than therapy. We write to feel a sense of accomplishment. We write because simply, we love it.  I'm not going to use the cliche that writing is like oxygen,  I'm more about the whole therapy thing. Seriously though, some of us writers can't imagine a life without it.

It's what we do, it's who we are, and every word we write becomes part of us, like a cell or a mole, or an eyelash. Little bits that alone seem like nothing, but when put together become a whole.

Writing completes me.

F³A: Fancy Bred

This is funny, I wrote about the quote, Tell me where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head, way back in 2010. That is from Willy Wonka. Of course, the original quote is Shakespeare, from the Merchant of Venice:

Tell me where is fancy bred,
Or in the heart or in the head?
How begot, how nourished?
Reply, reply.
It is engender’d in the eyes,
With gazing fed; and fancy dies
In the cradle, where it lies.
Let us all ring fancy’s knell;
I’ll begin it – Ding, dong, bell.
Ding, dong, bell

What's funny about it, is that someone recently emailed me, a complete stranger, questioning my thoughts behind the meaning of the quote. It's also funny because just recently this quote has once again become very apropos for me.

I agree with the second half of the poem, that when love is based on the shallowness of physical beauty it dies an early death. It's the original question that still intrigues me.

Tell me where is fancy bred, Or in the heart or in the head?

Earlier in life, I would have argued with anyone who said "the head". I am by nature an emotionally driven person. When I'm passionate about something, I dive right in.

I've learned a lot about fancy in the recent past/present. I learned that it's not always the best option to be led by the heart. Maybe that seems callous, but I think people at my age who are searching for love cannot be driven solely by the beating of their heart and their racing pulse.

People my age have to be rational about love. There are other considerations. We have families, and careers. We have fears about not making the same mistakes we have in the past. We want to find people at our level, intellectually, emotionally, passionately. We have to decide what we will settle on, what we won't put up with, and what we'll fight for.

I've come to believe that you need a balance of heart and head to find a long lasting relationship. The heart is reckless and needs the head to help make good decisions. The head is obstinate, and needs the heart to help it overlook the things that are forgivable and worthy of fighting for.

But one or the other alone, I won't follow. Where the heart goes, the head will be close behind, and hopefully together they'll be able to find something rational and effortless, satisfying and rapturous.

So, the Friday Scribbles:

Random Pandora song of the week: Down in the Valley by The Head & the Heart


Book of the Week: No idea. Between school visits, and revising, and kid stuff and house stuff, I've not read a word. You pick. Tell me what you're reading this week.

Netflix of the Week: Going with The League Season 2. If you play fantasy football, you will love this show. It's partially ad libbed and I think it's hilarious.

Quote of the Week: I think I'll just go with the above.

Enjoy your long weekend. Thank a president.

Monkey Love: DWF seeks...

Yep, posting monkeys because I didn't have time to blog yesterday. But look how cute they are!!!

So, love, yes? No? Ugh.

I've been dating.

Um.

Some good, some bad.

I came to the realization that I don't know how to date. I'm a relationship person. I've always been a relationship person. I meet someone, we have a relationship, it ends.

So, now I'm doing this dating thing and I have no idea what I'm doing. I am learning what I want and don't want very quickly, however.

I did this awhile back, but here I go again:

DWF seeks...

• Guy that is funny. This is a must. Anything from dry sarcasm to pee-your-pants funny. If you're not funny, I'm not happy.
• A cute face to look at. I'm not real picky when it comes to looks, especially if the guy is personality plus, but I don't want to date Quazimodo either.
• Athletic to average body type. Again, I'm not too picky, but I know I don't want to date Jabba the Hut.
• Must not love dogs. Sorry, not a dog person. Aside from allergies, I just hate how they jump on me, and how they bark, and smell, and pretty much everything thing about them. *ducks rotten produce from dog lovers*
• I like to work out, but I'm not a die hard, and I don't want to date a die hard. I think I'd get tired just looking at him.
• Doing things in snow and water. Swimming and bathing are my limits. I don't ski, neither in snow or water, I don't snowboard, jet ski, yadda yadda yadda. I will sit in the boat and watch. I like boats. I will not do ANYTHING in the snow.
• Must not do drugs. Sorry. #totalwasteoftime
• Must like to have fun. I'm open to trying new things as long as they don't have to do with me being cold, bored, or scared for my life.
  
• Must either read books or be educated. I'm not really into conversations that start with, "Uh, what?"
• Must have job.
• Must have shelter. Preferably not with your parents.
• Must have car.

I know these last three seem like a given, especially for people my age, but yeah, no.

I suppose I'm done. I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to seem high maintenance. :)

So, happy Valentines Day to you all. I hope you have someone to share it with. If you don't, buy a gallon of Ben and Jerry's and watch chick flix all night. Yeah, you too guys.

Life, Love, and Resolutions

I know people don't like to make resolutions, but I like to challenge myself to be better every single year (every single day). I did okay this last year, but I'm going to take it up a notch this year. I want 2012 to be epic.

Health: I will exercise more. This will include cardio (rule #1), weight training, and calisthenics. I'm going to start at 3 days per week, but hope to work up to 5.

I will take on healthier eating habits. I mean, I already do whole grain, low fat, etc, but I guess I'll have to take it up a notch. I don't know what this means yet, but I guess I'll have to figure it out.

I want to take 30 minutes of quiet a day to reflect. Hopefully this will help me to take the time to figure out what happened that day that needed change, what moments to celebrate. It will also give me the opportunity to regroup and plan for the next day.

Writing: If I don't finish this rewrite by the end of this year than that will be my first priority.

Aside from that I would like to write 2 books. I know those are lofty goals, but I think I can do it if I set my mind to it, set priorities, and plan my time better.

Life: Speaking of planning my time better, that is one of my goals, figuring out how to balance work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life.

I want to read more. I did pretty good at the beginning of this year, but the end of the year was an epic fail. I think one book of month is doable. That is the goal I'm setting though I'm hoping for more.

Staying organized. This is a big challenge for me. My office is a complete mess (if you've been reading me, you'll know this because I've talked about it about every day for the last two weeks). My office at work is a mess. Even my writing style is all over the place. If I organize a few spaces in my life, I'm hoping everything else will fall into place.

I want to travel more and meet some of the friends I've made throughout the last few years.

Love: This is self love I'm talking about. I need to learn to love myself unconditionally. I need to accept the things about me that cannot be changed, and try to change the things that are under my control.

I need to accept that I am human and therefore fallible. There are times in which I'll succeed, there are times in which I will fail. If I fail I'll try not to be too hard on myself and just either try again or move forward.

I'm going to try to trust myself as well as those around me.

And this year, instead of trying so hard to find happiness, I will let it seek me out.

Basically, like I said before, I'm going to try to change the things I can, and let everything else fall into place. It's all I can do.

Happy New Year all. Stay safe and sane and don't die or kill someone else driving drunk. Peace.

Monkey Madness Monday: The Word is Love

Did you know Dec. 14 is Monkey Day?

So . . . love.  It's used to express a lot.  I love pizza, I love sock monkeys, I love writing, I love you.

Um, so when I tell someone I love them, I'm pretty much equating them to my collection of sock monkeys.

No.  Doesn't work for me anymore.  I don't love people the same way I love pizza, sock monkeys, and writing.

The truth? I don't like the word anymore.  It doesn't mean anything.  In fact, it feels fake when I say it, when speaking about or to someone dear to me.

The word is taken for granted, overused if you will.  It's become cliche.  I think we need a different word.  It seem like every other language has a different word for these different types of love.  I think the English language should too.

When I tell someone I love them, I want it to mean more than the superficial love we have for material objects or our favorite meal or destination.  It needs to be a word that transcends words.  You feelin' me?

What do you think?  Any ideas?

Wednesday Whimsy

I realize I didn't blog yesterday.  Day job has me scrambling. I attended an SEO conference over the weekend and now I'm to give a presentation at the firm retreat Thursday.  So I've been creating an outline and trying to get a Power Point presentation done. Arg!!

So here's a quick writing tip.  Stay away from adverbs, especially the "ly" variety.  Using too many adverbs is a rookie move.  Believe me, everyone does it.  Especially after dialogue.  For example, "she said haughtily" or "he paced anxiously".  Instead of using the adverb, use description of how she spoke, or how he paced.

Okay on to today's topic, GPS.  I know, sounds boring.  But when you're in Arizona and have no idea where you're going, it becomes fairly comical at times.

My traveling partner and I were getting so fed up with the GPS and her snobby English accent that we gave her a name to personify her so we could yell and swear at her.  Her name is Astrid.

Astrid, first of all, is outdated.   Her maps did not have updated road  information, and when you're in unfamiliar territory, that is sometimes really annoying.

Secondly, Astrid only gave us about a second to turn or exit.  Kind of hard to exit in three seconds when you're in the left lane of a four lane freeway.

I don't know how many times we heard, "Recalculating."

Worst of all, Astrid took us down a dirt road in the middle of the desert with nothing around but tumbleweeds and coyote and told us we had reached our destination.  Supposedly, this *points down* is where our conference was supposed to be.

Needless to say, we yelled and swore and cursed her the majority of our trip, which is probably why she kept getting us lost.

Astrid, you suck.

That is all, catch you tomorrow.

Writing Wednesday: A Tattered Life

This is a new WIP (work in progress for you lay people).  It's unedited.  Let me know what you think. (No I'm not done with Sad, but sometimes when an idea pops in my head I have to go with it, to at least jot a little down so I don't forget it).

 March 18, 2011 

I’m tired.  Tired of living in this sardine can of a home with its lack of windows, torn curtains, and the smell of dog piss emanating throughout.  I’m tired of going through the motions as daughter, sister, and friend when I feel like nothing more than a speck of dust on a window pane ready to be wiped clean away.  I’m tired of the snobs and flakes and posers at school who think they’re either better than you, smarter than you, or more pathetic than you and take pride in it.  When did we come to strive for depression.  The Emo boy and girls with their dark makeup and their skinny jeans brood in the hallways acting as if their blue-collar lives are pure hell while they listen to their iPods, play on their Xboxes, and talk on their cell phones.

They don’t know what it truly is to ache.  What it’s like to watch your dad walk out the door and never come back.  To watch your mom spend every waking moment with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  To be the sole provider for your family, the mother to your sister.  To be mocked and bullied at school because of it all.

And this journal, and the art, it’s not enough anymore.  I can’t do it.  I’m ready to free fall from life, to plunge into the unknown.

I’m ready to let death take me away from this place.  I don’t care what’s waiting for me on the other side.  It has to be better than this . . .