Child Abuse: Public Shaming

A teenager from my city recently killed herself after her father posted a shaming video of her online. Oh wait, after he first chopped off all her beautiful black hair, then posted the video of her following said hair cut.

I mean, first off, IMHO, cutting someone's hair as punishment is atrocious. It's not punishment. It's bullying and emotional abuse. I couldn't imagine taking one of my daughter's beautiful locks to teach them a lesson. Take away their electronics, not something as personal as hair. You may as well have taken a limb.

I would also not take away something that is perhaps a one time thing that they were looking forward too, such as a concert, vacation, or important school dance for example.

Now, on to this public shaming...I've seen this done before, and to me it's also a form of bullying and emotional abuse. Posting to your child's social media accounts about the mistakes they've made, creating videos or memes at your child's mental expense...honestly, I'm having trouble finding the words about how angry I feel about it.

And the thing is, if they're willing to take these steps in order to humiliate their child, what are they doing behind closed doors. What kind of control and abuse are they inflicting that people haven't seen?

I admit to teasing my kids publicly, but I do it in jest and they think it's funny. For instance, I stalk my daughter's Twitter account and make funny comments on her posts. I I'll post funny ecards to their Facebook page.

My kids are awesome. They hardly ever get in trouble. However, when my kids screw up, we talk it out. In some cases, I take away their phones, tablets, and any electronics they hold dear.  In serious cases, their car is gone and their freedom for a period of time, usually not more than a couple days. I would never take a way their dignity by humiliating them in such a public way.


In the shaming video the father asks her "was it worth it?"

I bet he's asking himself the same thing now.

Understanding Self Harm

My book Dissected is about a girl who cuts herself to ease her emotional pain. I think a lot of people misunderstand many things about self-harm, and that's reasonable given that it's kind of like a dirty little secret that gets locked in the closet or swept under the carpet. In fact, when I was searching for a few statistics for this blog, I even had a hard time coming up with sites that talked about it. Don't get me wrong, there are ways to find out about it, after all, I did a ton of research when writing my book, but you may have to dig a little.

People that self-harm for the most part are not suicidal. They don't want to kill themselves. They are hurting themselves to forget about a larger pain or problem they are feeling, whether they are depressed about something, lonely, or just feeling empty inside. They use the harm as a coping mechanism because they don't know how else to manage their emotions.

Many of them are expert at hiding their wounds for a very long time before being found out. They hide their injuries beneath long sleeves, some of them cause injury to their legs so no one will see them. These aren't just the broody kids wearing black, sitting in the corner. Just like suicide, the cheerleader, the jock, the valedictorian...any one of them could be a self-harmer.

It's more prevalent than you may think. Research says about 1 in 6 teens have experimented with self-harm. In the U.S. 1 of every 200 girls 13 to 19 regularly engages in self injurious behavior. Girls do tend to self-harm more than boys, but boys do engage as well.

Those who self-harm may have a coinciding undiagnosed mental illness. Common ones are OCD, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia, and Eating Disorder. There are others. Self-injurious behavior can have serious consequences as well, such as:

·        Social isolation and poor interpersonal relationships

·        Increasing feelings of shame, disgust, and guilt

·        Poor self-esteem and self-image

·        Permanent scarring

·        Injured tendons, nerves, blood vessels, and muscles

·        Permanent weakness or numbness in certain areas of the body

·        Multi-organ damage and/or failure

·        Infections at the site of self-injury

·        Septicemia

·        Suicidal thoughts and behaviors

·        Accidental, inadvertent death

Parents, don't feel guilty if your teen is able to engage in self-harm for a while before you find out. Teenagers are weird. Who would know the difference between normal teen behavior and something more serious? As I said, some kids are expert at hiding their wounds. Here are some signs you can look for in a self-harmer:

·        Always wearing long pants and long-sleeved shirts, especially when it's inappropriate, like in the summer

·        Brushing off injuries as frequent “accidents”

·        Spending a lot of time alone

·        Challenges with friendships and romances

·        Gradual withdrawal from once-enjoyed activities

·        Unpredictable, impulsive, risky behaviors

·        Depression

·        Increased anxiety

·        Scarring.

·        Scratches or cuts

·        Bruises

·        Broken bones

·        Patches of missing hair

If you're a teen that's cutting or engaging in some other form of injurious behavior, your first step is to simply tell someone. That will probably be the hardest part. If you can't tell your parents, find someone else you trust to help you whether it's a teacher, school counselor, a friend or friend's parent, a sibling or other relative. People will want to help.

If you're a parent of a self-harmer, first of all, don't freak out. Stay calm. There is help out there.  Don't assume it's "just a phase." Teens that don't get help may end up being adult cutters. Don't blame yourself or your child. Counseling will get to the bottom of your child's behavior. Don't hide all the sharp objects in your house. That's pretty unreasonable and if a child is going to hurt him or herself, they'll find a way.  Be supportive.

I wish I had advice for educators, but I know all school districts handle these children differently, some well, some not so well. I'd be interested to hear from teachers as to how their schools handle self-harmers when they are recognized at school.

Here are some resources for those who need assistance

S.A.F.E. (800) 366-8288
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  (800) 273-8255
Students Against Depression Website started in the UK with lots of good info.
To Write Love On Her Arms
Seventeen Magazine online has posted a list of resources on its site.

Okay, so, let's move on to happier things. I'm running a giveaway to celebrate the year anniversary of my book release for Dissected. It's a uber giant prize pack. See...

t-shirt, book, SWAG (not shown), all RED gummy bears and a jar of glow in the dark stars.

Visit my Facebook page to enter.

In Sickness and in Health

O.M.G. I'm actually going to discuss writing and books on my blog today. I don't think I've done that in awhile because my life has been in such chaos lately, but yes, here I go.

Tonight I head up to the Association of Writers and Writing Programs Conference (AWP), which happens to be in Seattle this year, as tomorrow I will be on a panel titled, In Sickness and in Health: Writing about Illness and Loss for Young Adults.

"Sick - lit" as it's been so charmingly nicknamed has been quite a hot topic in the last year and the subject of controversy. Some people think we as writers have a cavalier attitude toward the dark subjects such as death, suicide and self-harm, and we are doing teens a disservice by writing about these subjects during a time when they are more apt to go through them.

Yet others believe that teen should be reading about the issues that they are sure to relate to at their age, that reading isn't purely about escapism, it's also about thinking and feeling and having characters you can relate to.

What is your opinion on the subject?

I think you know where I stand as someone who has written about death and
self-harm. I also have an unpublished book about a school shooting. Life isn't always pretty and it doesn't always have a happy ending. Are we doing our teenagers a favor by shielding them from the hard things in life? Things they will have to face, whether it's them, one of their friends or family members.

Shit happens. You can't hide from it, so why not face it head on.

If you're attending AWP, my panel is from 1:30-2:45 at the Washington State Convention Center, Room LL5, Western New England MFA Annex, Lower Level.

Other panel members are Roberta Borger. She is the one who assembled the panel. She is pursuing my MFA in Creative Writing at Chatham University. Selene Castrovilla, Jolene Perry, and Katherine Ayres.

Bully Prevention Month: Amanda Todd

She's all over cyberspace, so I'm sure you've already heard her story, if not, here's a video she made one month before her suicide. You should really watch it in its entirety. It's a tragic and haunting look at how bullying can destroy a life. She was only fifteen.

I don't even care what she did. People make mistakes. We all have. It doesn't give anyone the right to humiliate, stalk, and terrorize someone to the point that they become depressed, harm themselves and think their only way out of it is to die.

Perhaps the most troubling thing about this, she's continuing to be bullied in death. People are posting horrible memes. They calling her names, even on the dedication pages made in her honor. They're making fun of her tragic situation. It's cruel and inhuman.

We need to do whatever we can to put an end to this. Bullying is a pandemic and as it did with Amanda it can have a deadly effect.

What can we do? Make bullying illegal. Other than that, I don't know. Here's a start: the Stop Bullying Website. Also, here's a petition to arrest the cyberstalker. Officials have received an anonymous tip about his whereabouts and the fact that he's a 30 year old, which makes him a pedophile as well.

 Let's not let Amanda die in vain. Make a stand. Do something.


If I get any negative or nasty remarks on this post, I will delete them and perhaps even report them.

Monday Morning Blahg: Eternal Rain

How would you like to see this for 8 months straight?

Yes, I know I live in the state of Washington where it rains the majority of the time, but the last couple years the sky has been gray for eight months straight.  I don't remember it being like that.  I remember sunny warm Septembers, and hot March and Aprils.  I don't like Climate Change.  I like the idea of Global Warming instead.

We had a little sun on Saturday and instead of taking advantage of it and getting outside to work on my yard I wrote.  Which was good because I hadn't written in awhile and I wrote a lot.  But now we're back to rain.

I have decided this:  I WILL be taking a vacation every winter for at least a week to go someplace sunny.  Probably AZ.  And I will SERIOUSLY consider moving someplace sunny when my children have graduated from college, or at least become a snow bird. (of course I can only do this if actually make money being a writer and can quit the day job.  of course, it is possible I can do my day job from home, but I don't think they would like that all too much)

Did you know that our state has one of the highest rates of depression and suicide?  It's true and it's because the sky is gray.  We're probably the state with the highest rates of purchases of vitamin D.  It's also why we were the the most wired city.  Because we had to stay inside so much people took to the internet like flies to shit.

I cannot wait to see the sun again.  I am after all solar powered.

Happy Monday Peeps.  Until tomorrow.

Best,
~Megan

Bullied to Death

Bullying has been around since the beginning of time, but now it's starting to take a deadly toll. Ellen Degeneres spoke  about young people that are being harassed, teased, and bullied to the point that they take their own lives. 

What are we teaching our children today that would cause them to treat another human being so cruelly?  This kind of behavior must be stopped, at home, at school, in our community.  And this isn't just about homosexual teens, kids tease for many different, senseless reasons.

Just yesterday my daughter was hanging out with some so-called-friends who told her some of the people she hangs out with are losers and asked why she would hang out with them.  Then they asked her to choose who she would rather hang out with them, or the losers.

I'm proud of her for standing up for herself and her friends.  She told them she would never choose between friends.  And you know what?  One of the kids, a boy spit in her face.   She ended up kicking him in the balls, and normally I would not condone violence, but she got to the point of frustration with these kids harassing her, so I don't say I blame her.

Parents, teachers, and peers need to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves and help put a stop to bullying before it costs someone else their life.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has dedicated part of their website to help put an end to bullying, for kids and adults alike.  Check it out to find out what you can do to help.

Top four worst experiences in school: # 1 Death

Two kids at my high school died in the three years I was there. The first was the son of some family friends. It was devastating. He was so sick, and I think I deluded myself into thinking he would be okay. I never went to visit him at the hospital, a decision I regret to this day. That was my sophomore year.

The seniors at my high school, go on this thing we call the Pilgrimage. It's really just an all day hike, and camping trip. Part of the way through the hike one of the guys ran past us, back toward the trail head. We asked what was wrong, and he said someone had collapsed. I thought nothing of it. It was a hard trail with hills and switchbacks. It was warm out, and we had already been hiking a couple of hours. Later, when we were at our campsite gathered around the fire, the teachers informed us that the girl who had collapsed died. We were all in shock.

There were two more deaths right after I left high school. One girl committed suicide, a boy got hit by a train.

It seemed like so much death to me during those few years. It doesn't seem normal, to know that many teens that have died in such a short amount of time.

Curiosity, Fascination, and Death

Although I have my own house, I house sit a lot, make that, cat sit. If you saw the house, you would know why, indoor swimming pool, air conditioner, large deck with a view of the Narrows Bridges. And this is what brings me to my reason for blogging today. The bridges.


A knock came at the door the other day. It was a reporter. He asked if he could use my side yard for some footage. He said there was a jumper on the bridge. I gave him permission. What did I do next? I immediately went and got the binoculars and looked out the window.


I said to myself, Megan, why are you watching? Do you really want to see what happens to a body when it jumps off the bridge and hits the water below? I put the binocs down and decided I was morbid. You would have done it too, though, admit it. The question is why. Why do we do it? Why do we slow down when we see a car accident? What is it we want to see?


Personally, I would never want to see someone die so horrifically. It would haunt me forever. I have watched people die from illness and that is bad enough. I've also seen dead people. A lot of them. I was brought up Catholic. To this day I never understand the open casket ritual. So I ask again, why?


Have you heard of the Faces of Death movies? I remember when I was in high school, friends sitting around watching them. Videos of people actually dying. I never watched them, but always wondered why my friends were so into them.



I think it's just in our nature. We can't help ourselves. Curiosity. Our need to know. But is that it? Perhaps it's something embedded within us. Maybe we are fascinated with things that our beyond our control. Or maybe it's a strange escape. It's happening to someone else, we're detached from it, it's not real to us. Real life fiction? Kind of like watching a reality show.


I honestly don't know the answer. These are just ponderings of the mind. What do you think?