I'm old(er)

Today I turn 45. Every year I make myself promises to myself about how I'm going to be when my next birthday rolls around. While most of those promises are abandoned throughout the year, and I may be thicker around the waist (and let's face wider in other places and sagging in places I wasn't before) and have more wrinkles and gray hairs, in other ways I've improved.

• I'm stronger, physically, mentally and emotionally.
• I'm more resilient - I bounce back much more easily than I used to.
• I've learned that it's okay to say "no."
• I do not let people take advantage of me. 
• I take "me" time.
• I ask for help.
• When I'm in a rut, I switch gears
• When I feel overwhelmed, I slow down instead of break down.

In the last five years I have become a different person, I think for the better.  For a time, I was a shell of a former me, and I finally broke out of that shell and became a new and improved me, more like my younger self, the self I lost along the way somewhere. 

If I were to give someone words of wisdom from an aging woman it would be this: 

• Never compromise who you are for anyone. 
• Never put aside your dreams for the dreams of others, though if you need to, work on them side by side, hand in hand. 
• Never let yourself be manipulated into something you don't want to do, you could find yourself there for a very long time with no way out. 
• Always surround yourself with people who will be a positive force in your life, who will support you when you need them - those people you know would move the earth for you. 
• In turn, be that person for them.
• Be good to your children and your parents, always (unless there is a VERY good reason not to, I think you know what I mean).

Happy Friday everyone. Hug your mother and have a drink for me today. Saluté!

Antipation = Obsessing

Now that I've queried a couple of agents I've become a little (okay a lot) OCD with my inbox. I check it about a million times a day.

Of course so far I've been disappointed to not find that email from Mr. or Mrs. Awesome agent.

I don't mine when the inbox hold messages from friends or fans but what is irritating me are the stupid emails from the places I told could send me emails. Like Papa John's. Or Food.com. Or Tacoma Soccer Center. If I could drop kick those emails into the trash I would, because every time my notifications tell me I have a new email, I scramble to see who it's from, hoping it's from one of the agents.

If I could keep myself to checking email only a couple times a day I would. But I can't. Don't even try to give me advice on how. Ain't gonna happen.

Okay, back to the crazymaking, email checking waiting.

Find a Mantra Make it Work

So yesterday I posted about the advice my BF gave me yesterday because I've been stressing a lot lately and sleeping bad. You know, Be, Do, Have. I really took it to heart.

Money is one worry, so I made out a budget and I showed it to my kids, and I'm really going to do my best to stick to it until I get some bills paid off.

He also gave me some advice on how to get caught up and stay in the black, which I'm definitely going to follow. (if I haven't mentioned it before, my BF is a pretty smart guy)

Another thing weighing on me was having enough time in the day to get things done, so I made out a schedule. I also showed that to my kids so they'd know exactly what I wanted to be doing when. I decided that writing time needed to be done anywhere but in the house. I just worry about too many other things when I'm home like dishes in the sink, weeds in the herb bed, or laundry in the basement.

One of the things I'm vowing to do is write every day. I'm putting aside and hour and a half. Now, that's my schedule, but I know sometimes things don't work out the way you want them too, so I'm going to carry a notebook in my car so if something comes up, I can still write I will say that last night I went to Forza and did 27 pages on my rewrite. And it felt good. And now I'm 107 pages into a 180 page book. I'm that much closer which is a big motivator to keep going.

Be. Do. Have.

I've figured out what I'm going to BE. That is a person with a budget and a schedule to get things done. And I will Do those things. Then I will HAVE the financial freedom and time to be and do whatever I want.

:)

Okay, now I'm accountable to you. Here it goes.

Insomnia and other side affects of writing

Every so often I go through bouts of sleeplessness. Last night was one of those nights. I'd only slept for four hours when it was time to get up. I couldn't function, so I called in sick and went back to bed.

Why couldn't I sleep?

You know when you wake up and then your mind goes and you just can't get it to shut off? That was me last night.

I was thinking about my agent search, worrying about how long it was going to take. Wondering what happens if I don't get one.

I thought about finishing this rewrite that I've been working on for months now with no motivation.

Money
Relationships
Work
Writing
Medical issues

You know, all the life worries that pop into your head at 2 am.

I talked to my BF today. He gave me some very good advice. First, I need to make a list of the things that are in my control and work on them, the rewrite, the budget, querying agents.

Don't worry about the things that are beyond my control. There's nothing I can do about them.

He said I'm thinking backwards. He says I think "have, do be". If I have this, then I can do this, than I can be this. He says I should be thinking in reverse.

Be. Do. Have.

It makes a lot of sense.

Now, to make that list.