More of the battle

I was going to write about the joke of a presidential election happening, or the idiocy of blocking a nomination of a supreme court justice, the building of a methanol plant here in my city, or maybe even the new emoticon buttons on our facebook posts, but I've had some people tell me they have enjoyed being educated about CFS and I should continue to write about it. So here I go...

The view from my back door today.

Today would have been a beautiful day to walk to work, but basically, CFS and insomnia (could be CFS related insomnia, but who knows) has kicked my ass this week. I pushed really hard last week and now I'm paying the price. Last night I tried a little "herbal" help for my sleep. Yes, I mean weed. Not just any weed, but weed designed specifically to help you sleep. Don't judge, it's legal here. It made me tired. I fell asleep. Then I woke at 2 am and stayed awake until almost 6 am. When I woke up again at 9ish, I feel like I got hit in the head with a baseball bat, I have enormous bags under my eyes and they sting, and my entire body aches, especially my back and elbow (the joint pain is excruciatingly painful).

A friend told me that retail weed is weak and that I should try medical weed before the government ruins it for everyone (they've closed a bunch of MM stores, I assume they will continue to do so or start regulating their weed). So, anyway, the sleepy time weed didn't work.

Many people on my Facebook page gave me ideas for how to sleep better. I appreciate the support, I do, but none of it is anything I haven't tried before, with the exception of meditation and Zzzzzquil. A friend invited me to her meditation/yoga class next week, and I'm considering going though I hate yoga. And I think I'll go to the drug store for some good old fashioned Zquil. May try xanax as well since I have some.

Having CFS comes with a lot of other crap. Insomnia is one of them. Restless leg syndrome is another, which also is cause for a lack of sleep. Pain of course. And for some reason, I get itchy, especially my back and feet. No idea why. I've switched body wash, laundry detergent and fabric softeners to dye and fragrance free, but it doesn't seem to alleviate the problem.

I need to address some issues with doctors, unfortunately, I have to switch some doctors around because of my health insurance. I also have been doing research and finding what may help those who suffer from CFS with insomnia.

These sleepless bouts have been going on for about 3 years. I'll go sleepless for a few months, then have one day that my body revolts and I can't get out of bed all day, then it starts over again. Hopefully that "bed in" day will be on a day I don't have to work, but with my luck, I probably can't count on it.

So tonight, I follow some of the guidelines I've found and maybe take some Zquil. Hopefully I can get more than the 2 hours and 54 minutes I got last night (according to my Fitbit).

Insomnia and other pesky ailments

I know you're probably tired of me talking about CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), but like I said in a previous blog, people don't get it. They don't understand it. They don't know how debilitating it can be. It causes things like insomnia. I have suffered insomnia for about three years now. Something I didn't know was connected with CFS. According to my FitBit, I never get more than four hours of restful sleep a night. Last night, I woke at 1:30 am and was up until 6 am. I did finally go back to sleep, but have no idea how this giant break in my sleep will affect my day.

Also, a follow up from last weeks blogs in which I walked to work...I've been paying for it. My entire body aches, I'm so exhausted, I've been having dizzy spells...I didn't walk to work yesterday, because I had some things I needed to bring there that would have been too burdensome to carry. This morning I needed to sleep as long as possible, so I won't be walking today either. I hope to get back to it tomorrow. I'm serious about fighting back. It may have put me out for a few days, but I'm going to get right back to it when I feel my body can handle it.

Luckily I have a job that is fun and doesn't take much physical effort. I can only handle  5 to 6 hours a day, especially when using my brain a lot. When I was trying to find a job, I was worried I wouldn't be able to find one that fit my needs. I was afraid I'd have to go on disability, which felt wrong because I'm perfectly capable of working, I just can't work a full time job. I even had to fight to get unemployment because I was only looking for part time jobs. I had to get a letter from  my doctor and have a hearing with a judge. Thankfully she understood. I'm glad to have a job in which I only work 6 hours a day,

I worry though, because come April, I'll have to work 5 days a week. I know that sounds lazy, but the struggle is real. However, I did work 5 days a week before for 5 hours a day and I did okay. I usually had to take a nap as soon as I went home. This job is different because my hours are noon to 6. There is no nap time. If I had my choice, I'd get up early and get things done, then go to work. But the reality is, working those hours, I need to sleep as late as possible to help me make it through the day.

I know it probably sounds pathetic to a normal person, but I can't reiterate how real it is. I used to be a person always on the go, always getting things done. I had endless energy and could write, clean, cook, exercise, take care of the kids, do the grocery shopping, help with homework...how I'm lucky to get one of those things in during the day. So believe me, it's frustrating. I wanted a curable diagnosis so I could get back to being my normal self. But what my doctor said is this,

"You have to come to the realization that you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You need to learn how to live with it. You need to learn how to love yourself with it."

I'm still learning.

I am not sucking at life

No, I'm not. I'm drinking coffee with creamer. It's not the best tasting creamer I've ever had, but it has natural ingredients. And I'm not blending my coffee with coconut milk and cinnamon in my Magic Bullet. Why am I telling you this? Because yesterday was my last day on The Whole 30.

If you know not what the Whole 30 is, visit the link above. If you're sluggish all the time, want to change your relationship with food, want to look younger, want to sleep better, want to lose a little weight, you might want to give it a try.

How I feel after having done the Whole 30...

Food: Food and I are friends again. For awhile we had this weird relationship, It was mostly good,

sometimes I cheated on it. Sometimes I ignored it altogether. Other times my love for it was so intense I had to have it all. Also, I found myself having a quickie for dinner way too often.

Now I eat every meal, 3 a day. Sometimes I have a snack in between lunch and dinner, or after dinner if my stomach is a little grumbly. I'm cooking again. Sometimes I still need the quickie, but instead of turning to my longtime friend, Popcorn, I'll grab leftover meat (I always make enough to have leftovers) cook up some sweet potatoes and throw a salad together. Okay, it's not the 2 minute meal I've grown accustomed to, it's more like 30 minutes, but it's healthier, it's delicious and it treats my body good. I think I can handle an extra 28 minutes for that.

I buy most everything fresh except my coconut milk. I don't mind reading labels now, but if I buy fresh, I don't have to. I'm getting my fill of veggies and fruit, which I'd been neglecting for a while. I'm eating all good fats, almonds, ghee, avocado, olive oil. No more butter or margarine.

Alcohol: Alcohol and I used to be tight. You see, with me, alcohol is that friend that pesters you into hanging out until you cave. I mean, you love it, it's that friend you can lean on when you've had a hard day, or been given some bad new. Sometimes you'd just like to say no, but it always seems to be hanging around. Sometimes it overstays its welcome. I put alcohol in it's place. I made it go away until I'm ready to be friends again. Do I miss it sometimes when it's not around? Sure. But I'm confident that when we become friends again, I'll just see it socially and not be so dependent on it all the time.  Besides, I have a new friend that treats me better - sparkling water.

Sleep: A few years ago, sleep decided it didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I mean, it came around from time to time, but not as much as I wanted it too. Sleep and I have improved our relationship. Now it comes around every night and stays until morning. It usually leaves early, but I'm okay with that. Usually I've had enough to the point that I feel good and am ready to face the day.

Weight: My relationship with weight has been a rollercoaster ride in the past. Lately however, it's like I'm stuck at the top of the hill and no matter what I try, I can't get down. The Whole 30 helped me get down the hill. Just a little hill, but I'm hoping to get down a bigger hill soon enough until I can get off the ride for good. I don't think I'll share how much weight I've lost since the program isn't about that, it's about everything else. I'll just say, I look better and my clothes fit better. If I'd exercised more (I do, but I need to step it up) I'd probably have lost more. I actually had the meat guy at the grocery store flirt with me yesterday. It's been awhile since someone flirted with me.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: I've never liked CFS. Our relationship is parasitic. CFS is the friend who is always complaining and always miserable and after you've been with them for a while you just want to crawl into a hole and die. This relationship has also improved. Am I cured? No. But I get through the day without a nap (which is BIG for me). My energy level is higher during that time and I'm more productive than I have been in a long time. It still hits in the early evening though, 7 or 8 o'clock. But I'm okay with this because it's better and I can just crawl in bed with my phone or a book or my computer to watch Netflix.

What comes next?

Happy Hour. That's right, tonight I celebrate this achievement because to me, it's big. Don't worry, happy hour is not going to get me back into my old habits. I like the way I feel, I like the way I look, I like the way I eat. I will keep eating this way for the most part. I don't miss cheese or really any dairy (except my coffee creamer) for that matter. I'm not missing grains. I may have a glass of wine or a drink from time to time. And hey, I'll probably eat some popcorn, but not as much as I did at one sitting and not for dinner.

What am I hoping to gain from all this?

I'm hoping to shed a few more pounds. I'm hoping to have the energy to get to the gym regularly. I'm hoping to get another book published. I'm hoping to be more productive around the house and in the yard. I'm hoping I can be there for my kids and my parents when they need me.

I'm hoping this lasts a lifetime because I feel and look better than I have in years.

Now I really know...

I mentioned some health issues a couple weeks ago, and though it's not life threatening and other people are dealing with way worse things, for me it's very debilitating. I am a person that is always going, always doing, has 10 things on my plate and a bucket list a mile long. I don't have time for my body to shut down. But that's exactly what it has done.

So after a millions tests my doctor diagnosed chronic fatigue syndrome. Not satisfied with that diagnoses, because you see, there's really nothing you can do about it except wish it away, I went for a second opinion  - to a naturopath.

I swore the heavens opened up and I heard choirs of angels singing because after reading my paperwork and talking to me for a few minutes she seemed to know exactly what was wrong with me. And the thing is, there's a chance I can make it go away. I may not have to just learn to like myself this way and learn to live with it.

Adrenal fatigue. There's some controversy. I've read up. Medical doctors don't really believe in this diagnosis. It's not accepted medical diagnosis because it hasn't been scientifically proven. Doctors are concerned the real cause of the symptoms may not be found and treated correctly. But like I said, I have been tested for everything and they found nothing. So this makes sense to me.

You see, adrenal glands regulate stress (physical, emotions and psychological) through hormones adrenaline and cortisol, and if you have prolonged stress, those glands may not be able to adequately meet the demands of that stress.

You have no idea how much is involved with stress regulation.

• Immune function
• Muscle tone
• Blood pressure
• Sleep
• Production of energy

Etc, etc, etc...


Adrenal fatigue could be caused by one big emotional crisis or repeated or constant stress. For me it is the latter. Adrenal fatigue causes

• Lack of energy
• Back pain
• High blood pressure
• Decreased immunity
• Hair loss
• Sleep Problems
• Skin Problems
• Increase in allergies
• Weight gain
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Anger
• Loss of focus
• Forgetfulness
• Crying spells
• Relationship conflicts

The list continues. I've highlighted all the symptoms that have affected me the last almost three years.

I'm super excited about this new diagnosis because I see an end to my malady. also now understand why I've been sleeping during the day, why I haven't been able to finish the novel(s) I've started. Why I can never find the right words.  Why all of a sudden I have high blood pressure when I never have in my life.

I'm excited to write more, get active again, have a clean house, and have more time to spend with my daughters and scratch things of my bucket list.

I highly recommend if you think you have something like chronic fatigue or Fibromyalgia you go see a naturopath and see if you don't have adrenal fatigue.

If you're interested, here are some articles I found with more info:

Eighteen Overlooked Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue from Natural News
Recovering from Adrenal Fatigue from Natural News
Adrenal Fatigue: Myth vs Fact
Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue from Women to Women. This one has an Adrenal Health Assessment you can take as well.

She's got Quasimodo eyes

I'll start this by stating that I'm running on 5 hours of sleep. I don't know what it is with my body, but when I go to bed at midnight, it always assumes that 5 am is a reasonable hour to wake up.

Yesterday I woke up with my left eye extremely swollen. I looked in the mirror and this is the first thing I thought of...

 

My eye doctor told me once before that it was clogged tear ducts and that I should use hot compresses and rub my bottom lid.  At first I was like, um, yeah, hot compresses? Whose got time for that? But when you look like Quasimodo, you make time. I almost didn't go to work, in fact, a friend told me I should 'call in ugly,' which I thought was brilliant, but I decided to suck it up and go in. When I got there I told everyone not to look at me because I was hideous.

Now, I've had this happen before obvi, but this time was way worse, so I thought, perhaps my eye doctor is a quack and I would really benefit from taking an allergy pill, just for good measure, and if it's not gone by tomorrow (which is today now, mind you) I would make a doctor appointment with my D.O.

I always know where my allergy pills are...except of course at this moment. I tore the house apart looking for them. A drawer even got organized in the ransacking. I know, contradiction, but that's me. I surmise I must have left them at the BF's house (he has dogs, I know, big step for me, but totally worth it). Not even an old bottle or packet of allergy meds lying around. Not even slightly expired ones.

So I've taken more time out of my last two days for hot compresses than I probably have to sleep. And then what happens...

...this morning I wake up to a swollen eye. Not as bad mind you, but still. It's never lasted this long, so I'm calling my doc this morning to see if it's clogged tear ducts as my eye doctor told me...or something more (cue ominous music).

This on top of my turbulent relationship with sleep makes for a grumpy Monday. I did a sleep study over the weekend. I'm really not sure how they can tell anything from those, I mean, how can anyone sleep right with a giant plastic pack strapped to their chest, a clamp on their finger and a tube up their nose. SMH. Anyway, I did it. We'll see if they come up with anything. But while filling out the paperwork there was a section that you had to put a # value on certain answers and it said if your answer go higher than 10 you probably had OSA (Obstructive Sleep Apnea).

I was reminded of this...

Except this one went to 12.

But I have to wait for the results to get back. If that's the case though, I hope I don't have to wear one of those freaky machine things that make me look like I have an alien clamped to my face...

...and I hope they don't throw more meds at me. I've read up. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, avoid alcohol (HAHAHAHA), sleep on my side, avoid sleep deprivation ( again, HAHAHAHA), and my allergies may have something to do with it.  But I guess if I have to have an alien clamped to my face, it's better than dying in my sleep.

I had a few other annoyances yesterday, but we'll leave it at that.

How was your Monday?

What pain are you willing to suffer?

There was an article in the Huffington Post by Mark Manson recently that posed this question. Actually his question was - what pain do you want? What pain do you want to sustain?

 This is in respect to our wants. He asks those question instead of the standard question -  what do you want out of life? This is because we all want the same things so they don't really mean anything. We all want to be happy and healthy.

I don't think anyone WANTS to suffer pain, so I ask what pain are you willing to suffer?  That is the real question, and perhaps the key to if we will achieve the things we want out of life and how successful we will be at those things.

Just about everything we do takes a certain amount of pain, suffering and sacrifice, doesn't it? Maybe not physical pain, but mental, emotional?

I used to be a stay at home mom. When my kids went to school, this allowed me a lot of time for writing. When I got divorced I had to get a job. This took away writing time, kid time, cleaning time, shopping time. Basically half my day was suddenly gone.

But, I still want to write, I still want to be a good mom and that takes a lot of work and it can be very stressful.

What pain am I willing to suffer for my craft, my kids, my job, my health, my home?

I don't sleep well. I can probably count on one hand the good night's sleep I've had in the last three months. I'm not sure what it is completely. It could be stress, it could be that my mind works overtime and just won't shut up, it could be something else entirely that we haven't figured out yet. I've tried numerous ways to stay asleep, and none of them work consistently.

Me time. I have no idea what that is, really. I go to work, I get to my kid's events, I come home and try to work at writing or marketing,  or I clean the house or run errands. I used to get massages and pedicures and get my hair did. I can't remember the last time I did any of those things.

I suffer exhaustion. This has been going on for close to a year now, and it's about more than just the lack of sleep or exercise because even when I sleep well and even when I was kickboxing regularly I was still having to take these crazy long naps during the day. I think I've pinpointed something, but not sure. I try to fight my way through my tired time, which is early afternoon, but even if I do, I'm pretty worthless unless I'm getting errands done. I can't really write or work through it.

I'm a broke bitch. I work part time. I make enough to get by. I could work full time, I certainly have enough to do at work, but I have writing goals. I want to be there for my kids while they're still around. But I can't take all the vacations I want or have everything I want.

My household. This includes my yard, garden, laundry, general cleaning filing...etc. It's all lacking. I keep my house as clean as possible. It's hard with 2 of my own kids and others coming and going often. I try to garden. I usually start off strong in the spring but get busy and have a fairly black thumb and things end up dying. My yard at times makes my house look like an abandoned crack house and the laundry gets washed, then ends up in a giant pile to fold. I try to get my kids to help, but ya know, they're teenagers.

My health. I eat well most the time but lately I've not been willing to suffer the pain of exercise to get that body I want. And it's not so much suffering the pain because I LOVE my kickboxing classes. It's a combination of time, exhaustion and laziness and I would truly put laziness in about 10% with the other two making up 45% each. I've actually lost weight lately, but I'm not toned. My goal is to get back to it, I've just not found the motivation yet.

I can't keep a relationship. Maybe I don't want to, I don't know. I certainly don't have time for one to get too serious, and it seems the men I meet are ready to move in and get married right now. I'm nowhere near that. I'd like a companion, someone to hang out with, but, they need to have a place to go home. And I need my own time. Time to write, time for my kids, time to hang out with my friends.

I sometimes feel like a bad mom. This is an all encompassing pain for me. Though I try not to miss a soccer game or music gig, there are still things I feel I lack and lately I have been missing them like crazy and I know that's not all on me. They are teenagers and have their own agendas, but lately I think they've been feeling that lack of connection too. I've not cooked a meal in ages, we haven't just sat down and watched a movie together in forever. We're taking a day today. And we've decided that at least once a week we will sit down and cook and have a meal together and watch a movie or do something.


 I guess those are my levels of suffering I endure  for what I want. But I wouldn't say I WANT that pain. I deal with it because it's what I need to do right now for what I want in life. But I'm hoping all of it changes. I mean, at what point do we stop suffering? At what point does it all come into fruition?

So what pain are you willing to suffer to accomplish your goals?

30 days of thanks: day 22

I'm thankful for sleep.

When I get it that is, which seems like a while now. A good night's sleep anyway.

I can't remember the last night I had a good night's sleep. Every night for the last few weeks I've been waking at 2 or 3 in the morning. Some nights I get back to sleep, some I don't. Like last night I didn't. I've been up since approximately 2:30.

And no, I did not take the opportunity to write. My brain is too mushy to do that.

I could blame the Mexican food last night, but then what is the reasoning for the last 90 days?

I long for a night where I fall asleep at a reasonable hour and don't wake until the next morning. Sleep in, even.

Until then...insomnia and I will be buddies I guess.

I want to mention one other thing, I'm in our local paper today with 3 other authors gone indie. Love if you'd take a read.

Okay, it's Friday, small miracles. Here are the Scribbles...

Pandora Queue song: a shuffle station with Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, Black Keys, and more...Stone Temple Pilots, Big Empty.

Book of the Week: I've not started reading anything yet, been too busy, but going with Catching Fire in conjunction with the movie release. If you've not read the book, you should. You should read all the books. I truly loved all three of them.

Netflix of the Week: I started watching Orange is the New Black. LOVE!

Quote of the Week:

Monkey Madness Monday: 2013 Bring it on!

It's the end of another year. Yowza, was it crazy. Here's why:

1.  Debut, um, 'nuf said?
2.  Class of 2k12. One of the best things about the year.
3. My friends Gae and Annemarie visited from NY for my debut, other best thing that happened this year.
4. Had to get out of my comfort zone for the numerous school visits, bookstore and library events I participated in.
5. Marketing, ugh.
6.  Online dating, um, yeah, crazy would be a good word though doesn't quite grasp the absoluteness of the craziness.
7.  Parted ways with my agent, the quest to find a new one.
8. Both kids in high school. When the hell did I get that old?
9. Thing One driving, a blessing and a curse.
10. Awesome trips, AZ, NY, the ocean, Portland...
11. Two rewrites, two new books, no 2nd book deal. :( (not yet)
12. Insomnia. ARG!
13. Lots of good books read (okay, lots for me, which is probably a drop to some of you)
14. New BF. I think this one's a keeper. 

Now, for the resolutions. I like to compare the new with the old, see my successes, find my shortcomings, plan for the future accordingly. So here we go...


Health:
Last year's goals - exercise more, 3 days a week at least work up to 5 hopefully. Healthier eating habits. 30 minutes of quiet reflection a day.

Results -  I didn't entirely fail on my health goals. I did exercise more. I walked a lot, bought a bike and biked quite a bit when the weather was decent. I started kickboxing. I feel good about it. I'd say I did the 3 a week mostly. Didn't quite make it to 5, only some weeks. I still eat pretty healthy. Quiet reflection? Not so much.

2013 goal - Keep up with the exercise, 3-5 times a week. Keep up with the healthier eating, cut down on my wine *sheds tear*. While I didn't give myself a weight goal last year, I really would like to drop some weight. I'm not going to put a number on it, just going to leave it at that. Quiet reflection...hmmm...I think I'll try this again. 30 minutes a day, huh? I'll try.

Writing:
Last year's goals - Finish rewrite (Dissected), write 2 books. I know those are lofty goals, but I think I can do it if I set my mind to it, set priorities, and plan my time better.

Results - I finished the rewrite. I also finished a major rewrite of another book and wrote 30k at Nano toward another book. So I didn't quite reach the goal, but I still feel okay about it. The major rewrite was essentially like writing a whole new book, and 30k is nothing to sneeze at.


2013 goals - Finish nano project, write 2 more books. yes, again lofty, but if I put my mind to it, I know I can do it. I also need to make some decisions. I've been contemplating 1) Entering ABNA 2) Self publishing 3) Finding an agent. I need to shit or get off the pot. I truly believe you will see another novel by yours truly on the shelves within the next two years whether it's self published or no.

Life:
Last year's goals -Figuring out how to balance work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life. Reading more, staying organized, travel more.


Results - Balance? I think I did okay, though would like to do better.
I read. I actually, without realizing until just now, reached my goal of one a month. I know I read at least twelve books. Gathering Storm, Scarlet, May B., Velveteen, Breathe of Eyre, The Wicked and the Just, Breaking Beautiful, Love and Leftovers, Hunger Games, Okay for Now, Inside Out and Back Again, Hooked...look at that. That's thirteen. :) That's all I can remember and probably all I've read unless you count self help and diet books, which I don't.
Organization? Um, I just cleaned my office. It was bad. So I'd say no. Fail.
Travel. As you see from my above list, I got some places. I'm good with it.


2013 goals - Probably the same. Keep balance, keep reading, keep organized, keep traveling.

Love:
Last year's goals - To learn to love myself unconditionally, accept the things about me that cannot be changed, and try to change the things that are under my control. To accept that I am human and therefore fallible. Try not to be too hard on myself when I fail, trust myself as well as those around me. Instead of trying so hard to find happiness, I will let it seek me out.

Results - Well, love myself? Mostly I think. Accept and change, I suppose. Too hard on myself? Trust? I still have issues I suppose. Sometimes my behavior disappoints me. I can't help it. Others? I think I mostly trust others, but at times I'm too trusting. I let people take advantage of me, my heart, my generosity and kindness.  Letting happiness find me. I suppose I may have tried to hard at first, but then I let it go. And guess what, it found me and right now at this moment on the last day of 2012 I can truly say that while life can be frustrating and stressful...I am happy.  Happier then I've been for a very long time.


2013 goals - Continue to love myself and others to the best of my abilities. Remember that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but it is just a part of life, who I am, and who I will be. As long as I keep growing and learning from the mistakes I make, it's fine. I need to continue to trust in myself and others, but I also need to be more careful when doing this and now not everyone has my best interests at heart. And I will continue to let happiness happen.

Happy New Year all. I for one am excited for the new year. There are things churning in my world that I'm excited about and cannot wait for the new year to begin. It's my wish for you that 2013 be filled with adventure, hope, bliss, and love.

Stay safe and sane. Do your driving sober. Peace.

Insomnia

You know what sucks about insomnia for me? The fact that I can't write when I can't sleep. If I could, I would probably have about 20 novels in my pocket just waiting to be published.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tried, but I tossed and turned until I finally got out of bed. Then I played on the computer until about 2 am. Yes, that is probably normal for some of you, but I have a day job and a messy house, and Christmas lights to put up, and a giant pile of laundry to fold. And I'm not even going to talk about my office. Ugh.

I mean, yes, there were probably contributing factors. I did take a nap yesterday, but I've been doing that lately and it hasn't affected my sleep before. Have I ever mentioned I HATE taking naps? I have too much to do to be tired.

Also, I really wanted to go to kickboxing last night, so I drank some coffee at about 6 pm. But if I hadn't, I'm not sure I would have gone and I really needed to punch and kick stuff last night because I've been so stressed and frustrated.

But I can't write when I can't sleep because my brain is mushy. And I have a book to finish. 30k in. I need to push forward.

Insomnia and other side affects of writing

Every so often I go through bouts of sleeplessness. Last night was one of those nights. I'd only slept for four hours when it was time to get up. I couldn't function, so I called in sick and went back to bed.

Why couldn't I sleep?

You know when you wake up and then your mind goes and you just can't get it to shut off? That was me last night.

I was thinking about my agent search, worrying about how long it was going to take. Wondering what happens if I don't get one.

I thought about finishing this rewrite that I've been working on for months now with no motivation.

Money
Relationships
Work
Writing
Medical issues

You know, all the life worries that pop into your head at 2 am.

I talked to my BF today. He gave me some very good advice. First, I need to make a list of the things that are in my control and work on them, the rewrite, the budget, querying agents.

Don't worry about the things that are beyond my control. There's nothing I can do about them.

He said I'm thinking backwards. He says I think "have, do be". If I have this, then I can do this, than I can be this. He says I should be thinking in reverse.

Be. Do. Have.

It makes a lot of sense.

Now, to make that list.

Sleep! Why hath you forsaken me?

I go through these bouts of sleeplessness, which isn't good for me because I always have too much to do. Plus, I'm trying to exercise consistently because we have a biggest lose contest going on at work, and I'd like to drop a few pounds before my release (which is 8 days away. gasp!).

I've been up since 2:30 this morning. Believe me, I laid there and tried to go back to sleep, but my mind, it wanders. I thought about all the things I have to do before my release. I thought about my manuscript and changes I'd still like to make before submitting to my agent. I thought about getting my house spotless before my out of town guests arrive.

Needless to say, I didn't fall back to sleep. So I got up, did pilates, vacuumed, showered, and now here I am blogging with still three hours before I have to leave for work. I suppose I can be even more productive this morning, but I'd rather be sleeping.

What do you do to help you sleep?

Tuesday T is for Too Little Sleep

I go in these spurts of not being able to get out of bed, to having to survive off 3-4 hours of sleep a night.  Why does my body do this to me?  I haven't treated it that badly throughout the years.  I eat right (mostly) I exercise (sometimes) I don't smoke or do drugs or drink alcohol (okay maybe that last one).  What did I do to deserve this?

Last night, I have no idea why I couldn't sleep.  Night before, my WIP (work in progress for you lay people) was churning through my mind.  Night before that, a book I'd read stuck with me.  It's always something.

Here is what I'm going to do to help myself sleep.

1. Count monkeys.  They're so much more interesting than sheep.
2. Run myself ragged.  Nevermind.  I already do that and it doesn't seem to work.
3. Cut out the caffeine.  Who am I kidding?  Someone would die if I cut out the caffeine.
4. Drink tea. Blech. No.
5. Avoid alcohol before bed. Um . . .
6. Get rid of the stress in my life. Er . . .
7. Try not to think so much. Right.

Counting monkeys it is.

1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .