Don't destroy your husband - be like June Cleaver

There is a website called Family Share. It has articles. I have read some of their
relationships/marriage articles.

Barf.

One is titled 5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage. Yes, you single-handedly are destroying your husband.

1. You should show him respect and appreciation by following a budget. Stop complaining about your "lavish" desires. Is that any way of saying "thank you" to a man that works all day?

Um...last I checked most households were two income households these days and most women are not selfish bitches who live like the Kardashians. How about we communicate with each other about spending so WE don't go in the hole.

2. Stop your constant complaining. That's right, I'm talking to you. No one likes a Debbie Downer. Your constant negativity will bring your hubby down and make him sad.

Yes, because women do nothing but complain all fucking day. Er...really?

3. You must put your husband before all else. Okay at least she says on this one, put each other first, but...

Job? Who cares? Friends? Who needs 'em? Kids? Make 'em fend for themselves. You should put each other first when you can, but seriously, marriages fail when you don't have your own lives and own interests, and um, children are kind of important.

4. Don't withhold physical affection. EVEN IF YOU AREN'T IN THE MOOD.

Right, because there is nothing sexier then a women who isn't in the mood  but gives in anyway because her husband wants her to. Jesus. Really? Rape culture anyone?

5. Speak his language. Stop dropping hints like women do. Speak plainly about your feelings. Don't expect him to know what's wrong.

Right, and men love it when we talk about "feelings" don't they? Speak their language? How about, once again, we meet somewhere in the middle. Communication is key here. There needs to be effort on both sides to make a marriage work.

This article truly made me retch. We need to cater to, pander to, bend over backwards and put everything aside for our significant others while they just sit back
and enjoy the ride? I don't think so.

Marriage is a partnership. An EQUAL partnership. At least to me it is. You share

money, share burdens, share problems. You talk to each other about your troubles and your successes. Sure, you put each other first, but hey, when you have kids, they have to come close to the forefront, and you nurture them together. You respect each other's mind, body and spirit.

If we want to follow the rules like this article states, we may as well give up our jobs, and move the clock back about 50 years when a women's place was in the kitchen wearing a dress, high heels and an apron, always made up and drunk on martinis.

Blogger looks down on women with kids and husbands and is proud of it

Yep. You read that right. Not this blogger. Nope. Her name is Amy Glass and she writes at the Thought Catalog. Here is the blog in question. You can read it, but I'm going to point out the important stuff below.

I would almost bet my children's lives (I said almost, so if I'm wrong, don't come gathering them up or anything) 1. she is young, like college age or just a bit older 2. she doesn't have children.

1. She doesn't think a stay at home mom is an equal to a working woman. 

Hmmm. Having been  a stay at home mom for a number of years I can tell you, it's the hardest "job" I ever had. Being a parent is terrifying. First, you have to carry this fragile being in your body for nine months and pray you both survive it, which doesn't always happen. If you do, you don't just have to feed and nurture that child and ensure that they turn into a civilized human being, you get to worry about them every day of their life, no matter how old they are, that no ill will comes to them. This on top of all the household chores, the grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc.

2. She doesn't consider getting married and having kids milestones. She believes anyone can do them, they are the most common thing ever. "By definition, average."

I guess choosing someone to be with for the rest of your life may seem average to someone who obviously never wants that.  But finding that perfect person, the one soul who belongs to you, that actually takes some work. And sometimes, we don't get it right the first time and some people who want this very thing, never find it at all. By definition, I would say this is magical.

As far as children go, I would say, as I said before, carrying another life inside your body and  praying no harm comes to them  isn't common, it's a miracle. Then I will just quote Elizabeth Stone for the rest of my point...“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”

3. Ms. Glass asks, "If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing?" She would rather throw a shower for"...a woman when she backpacks on her own through Asia, gets a promotion, or lands a dream job..." not when she takes, "...the path of least resistance. 

What Ms. Glass fails to realize is that these are all choices and I would guess that most women who backpack through Asia, get promotions, or land dream jobs don't look down on women who make these choices to stay home and raise their children on their own.  They are doing something worthwhile. They are not conforming to the norms of society by keeping their jobs and tossing their kids into the daycare systems. They are making sacrifices, cutting corners, clipping coupons, doing whatever it takes to make this happen because THEY want to be the one to raise their children, to teach them how to be good people. They don't want someone else doing it for them. That's doing nothing? That's not something to applaud?

4. She thinks with a husband and kids you can't do all those great things single childless women do. She says, we think we can, but it's a lie. That we will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to do it.


Really? I am 44 years old, almost 45. I was a stay at home mom until my kids were in middle school, so about 12 years. I have been to Rome, Venice, NY and various other places across the country. I had my book published by one of the top publishers in the world. I'm a legal marketer for one of the best law firms in my city and I'm exceptional at it and they pay me well because I'm good. I'm planning a road trip across the country in the next year. 

On top of that, my daughters are awesome. They do not get into trouble. They do not disrespect me in any way. Mine is the house the kids come and hang out at. One daughter is an exceptional soccer player, the other a musician. Does that sound like a lie to you? Does that sound like I'm not doing all the things a single childless woman can do?

5. She states how it's only women who talk about the hardships about managing a household, never men. She thinks it's because it is so women don't have to explain their lack of accomplishments and that men aren't conditioned to think things like that are "important." She states, "Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business."

Men don't talk about it because mostly they're not the ones doing it. Unless of course they're a stay at home dad. I wonder what Ms. Glass thinks about that. They must be real failures in life. And being a stay at home mom isn't simply about "doing laundry." It's about all the things I mentioned above. It's about choices, and sacrifice, and bringing life into this world. 

I will end with this: Being a stay at home mom was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I had a great job with the government, but I hated leaving my kids at daycare every day. I wasn't even sure I was going to be a good mom, yet there I was, making the decision to do it full time, on top of all the other household chores.  But you know what, I was good at it. 

My kids tell me they love me every day. Their friends tell me they love me. Don't get me wrong, they're teenagers, life isn't perfect. We have all squabbles. Mostly they're about grades and messes. I'm not having to get mad at my kids about drugs and alcohol, stealing or anything like that. I know parents whose kids tell them to "fuck off." My kids would never dream of saying that to me. So, Amy, don't tell me I didn't accomplish anything in those years I stayed home. I accomplish more than you ever will if you keep this attitude.

One other thing, Ms. Glass, without children give or take the husband - I'm well aware of the divorce rate in this day and age, I'm divorced myself, though I'm with someone right now who is very special to me - you will live a very lonely existence. Yes, you will have your friends and your parents and siblings if you have any, but when you get old, who will take care of you? Who will drive you to the grocery store, take you to lunch, visit you in the nursing home? No one. Think about that next time you decide to look down on a group of people who not only have made some big, difficult choices and sacrifices, but have created something beautiful, lasting and that will be there for them when they need it most.

F³A: 3rd Times a Charm

Today I'm going to court for the third time to try to get divorced.  First time I was missing a document (that could have been turned in later), second time the commissioner didn't like that I wasn't asking for child support.  I think I have everything covered this time.  I don't think I can take another rejection.

My marriage wasn't horrible, I mean, there were low points for me, but there were a lot of high points too, and there will always be a place in my heart for my husband.  Sometimes life just takes you in different directions.  I got to a point in my life where it just wasn't working for me any more.  That may sound petty, but there is much behind that statement left unsaid.  If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you probably know what that means.

I won't be celebrating this, it's not really a victory, it's just a change brought on by unexpected events.  We were married seventeen years (would be eighteen on July 2nd).  It wasn't an easy choice to make, but I felt it was one I had to.

So, here I go again.  Wish me luck.

Friday Nibbles

Random iPod shuffle song: Only Exception by Paramore

Movie of the Week: It's Kind of a Funny Story This is one of the best movies I've seen in awhile.  I rented it for research on my current work in progress.  I was pleasantly surprised.

Book of the Week:  I haven't decided what to read yet.  I've got so many books sitting on my shelf.  I think Illegal by Bettina Restrepo (who I absolutely love btw, we were fellow 2k11ers)

Quote of the Week: "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves."  ~Lynn Hall

The four songs that define the last four decades for me.

# 2 1990's

I was pretty much just becoming an adult. Coming off some hard times, which if you read my past blogs you know all about. I went through a few styles in that decade as I grew more mature, finished school, got married, had kids.

Mostly I wore jeans and t-shirts, mini skirts and sweaters.

I was watching Twin Peaks, Northern Exposure, and Ally McBeal.

I was still reading Stephen King, throw in Wally Lamb, Margaret Atwood, and Louise Erdrich.

My favorite movies were Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, Shawshank Redemption, Fargo, and Silence of the Lambs.

And Grunge was king, especially if you were from the Pacific Northwest. Ratty jeans, t-shirts, flannel shirts, and birkenstocks were daily attire. Bands like Mudhoney, Mother Love Bone, Alice and Chains, Soundgarden, Nirvana, and Screaming Trees were rocking stages all over Seattle. And of course Pearl Jam, who wrote the song that defined the 90's for me, Alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbhsYC4gKy4

This song is about a boy getting horrific news, then living through horrific events, but still being able to say I'm Alive. This song is important, and I think so many people could relate to the lyrics, and the music, and still can. I know the song meant a lot to me, as did the entire grunge music scene.

In 1999 I was 30 years old.

Thanks for reading
Kisses :*
Megan

Alive"

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you
What you thought was your daddy was nothin' but a...
While you were sittin' home alone at age thirteen
Your real daddy was dyin', sorry you didn't see him, but I'm glad we talked...
Oh I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey, I, I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey...oh...
Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room
She said I'm ready...for you
I can't remember anything to this very day
'Cept the look, the look...
Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Hey I, boy, I'm still alive
Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah
Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...
Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You're still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...
I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Yeah I, ooh, I'm still alive
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Top 4 BEST experiences from school: # 1 Graduating from College

This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it was for me. It took me three schools, five jobs, one baby, and ten years to complete. Let me give you a run down.

1987 attended University of Portland majoring in communications, with aspirations of being a journalist.

Partied too much, decided I just didn't know what I wanted to do, came home, worked as a Deli clerk in a grocery store.

1988 went to Tacoma Community College for one quarter. Was not dedicated at all, received the worst grade point average I had ever gotten.

1989 went back to the University of Portland, more serious this time, majored in business, wanted to own my own business. Couldn't cut the math. Didn't know what I was thinking.

Timeline is sketchy, I worked in a video store, jewelry store, and govt. office, for the next few years. All at the same time for part of it. No school.

Eventually quit the video store and the jewelry store and went to work full time for the Pierce County Auditors Office.

Went to night school at University of WA-Tacoma, a liberal arts school, taking two classes a quarter which was difficult because I had health and emotional problems at the time.

Married in 1994.

1995 I realized I hated my job. Took a year long leave of absence to finish school.

Got pregnant. Worked in my dad's law office while attending school.

Finally walked down the aisle, eight months pregnant and received my diploma, however, I had three classes to finish up, which I did from home after the baby was born. Never went back to the Auditor's Office.

A rocky road for sure, a degree as one of my boss' called is as useful as tits on a bull, but it's mine. I earned it.

If I could do it all over again, I don't know if I would change anything. Things that happened during that time helped shape who I am today. If I had gone all four years straight I might be in a different place, married to a different man, and had his kids instead of the ones I have. Deep, huh? ;)

So that's it, the top four BEST experiences from school. Tomorrow's a free for all. Catch you on the flip side.

Kisses
:*
Megan