Another Day in Paradise

9:34 am
Skeptical Megan is skeptical. My body is feeling the affects of my last two days of pushing hard. I
woke in the middle of the night and stayed awake for a couple of hours. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. My back, both my knees and my elbow hurt. It's a beautiful day, and I'd really like to walk to work today, but I'm afraid if I do, I woke be able to function properly the next few days. It's another long workday with my shift then a two hour event following.

I have an hour to make up my mind...more later.

12:57 pm

I opted for walking. the day was too beautiful to waste. If I'm going to skip the walk, I'd rather do it on a gray, rainy day. Plus, I get to admire the view. There's a walking/biking path on part of the route to the wine shop. It's shorter that walking the busy commercial street.

I lightened my load today by leaving my computer at home. I put the files I might need at the shop on my external hard drive and packed that instead. Also, I opted for tennis shoes instead of Uggs. I love my Uggs and they're comfortable, but not for walking 2 miles. I packed a pair of Mary Janes to change into. Once again also packed hair product, makeup and deodorant.

At just under a mile in, again, my middle aged hips screamed. I ignored them, knowing they would be numb after a little more walking. Everything else felt pretty good, especially my feet.

People gave me funny looks as I trudged my way to work. I supposed maybe I looked a little funny, flowy pink and white blouse, black skirt and tights, cross trainers on my feet, backpack slung over my shoulders, elbow brace in place. My hair (which all of a sudden seems very long) flew out behind me in the light PNW breeze. I forgot to bring a hair band for my walk to keep it out of my face and to keep my neck from sweating too much.

I actually got a honk and a kissy sound from a passing driver. People actually still do stuff like that? Cat call and such? It was flattering, even if I totally ignored him.

My mail carrier friend, Jason drove by and waved. Nice to see a friendly face on my journey.

I know I'm close to the shop when the sidewalk flattens out. I'm glad I decided to walk. In the shop I stood in front of the fan for a few moments, patted my face with a paper towel, grabbed a glass of ice water and changed my shoes. Close to 6,000 steps before work again.

It's kind of gross, walking to work and getting kind of sweaty and stuff. But I think my pack would be too heavy were I to bring a complete change of clothes with me. For now, I'll just opt for the paper towel pat down.

I'm a bit fearful about how I'll feel tomorrow. The good thing is it's Sunday, and I don't have to do anything if I don't want to.

Living with CFS is difficult sometimes, as I've mentioned before. Every day is different. I think the hardest part is the lack of understanding by others. I've had people ask me if I want to do this or that, and I'm like, "I can't because of my medical condition." Usually I get laughed at. I don't look sick. But I never feel fully rested. My body urges me to slow down, or stop even. I'm lucky, because I am able to work, while many who suffer are wheelchair bound or bedridden all the time. Don't get me wrong, I've had days when I couldn't get out of bed, but mine happen mostly when I overexert myself mentally or physically, or I'm dealing with a large amount of stress.

Right now my elbow hurts and I'm a little tired, but I will continue to fight this. I want to work in my yard again, plant flowers, mow my own lawn, keep my house clean, cook. All things that are hard for me to do because of CFS. And I want to get to a place where I feel whole and happy again.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend. Hey! If you ever see me on my route to work, honk or wave. It will inspire me to keep going.

Fighting Back

So, yesterday, if you read my blog, you know I walked to work. I did pretty good. Took me 40 minutes to get there. Worked 6 hours. Then I hosted an event at the wine shop for 2 hours. After that, I went to my older daughter's double header indoor soccer game. As the second game was starting, the exhaustion kicked in. That is probably the longest day I've had since the CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) kicked in more than three years ago now.

I do not want to let CFS define who I am. I haven't fought it much, because it's just too hard and tiring, but I want my body, mind and soul back. I'm ready to be fit again and lose this weight I've gained as a result of fatigue. My body has undergone many horrible symptoms caused by CFS -  it's not just about fatigue. It affects my sleep, which I've not got a decent night of in years. Causes joint pain, which I have in one knee and one elbow. Also, dizziness, allergies, and a plethora (one of my favorite words) of other fun physical problems.

Truly, I'd like to get my mind back as well. CFS is not just a physical illness, but a mental one too. I suffer from serious brain fog. At first I didn't realize that was a symptom of CFS. I thought (and maybe still do) that I had adult ADD because I couldn't focus. My writing has suffered. Probably why I've not completed another novel. Often when I'm speaking to someone, I can't pull up the easiest of words. Words anyone, even a child could remember and come up with. When I'm working on freelance writing, the thesaurus is my bible. My memory has suffered too. I also suffer from CRS (can't remember shit) which I worry annoys people I talk to often.

Now let's talk about my soul. I've been very open about suffering from depression and anxiety. Now, this I've suffered even before CFS, but having it doesn't help one bit. When, like me, you used to be active and witty, smart and productive, then suddenly you're more like a sloth,..it affects your self esteem and confidence.

So today I stepped up my workout. Instead of walking for a length of time, I chose to walk a distance. Then I walked 10 minutes more because I had to finish watching House Hunter. I mean, they were choosing a home in Hawaii! I had already invested 20 minutes.  Then I did some strength training. I mostly work on my arms, because, really, my legs ain't so bad. I want to get rid of what I like to call "Back Boobs."

I have to be careful though. If I overdo it, it could set me back a few days. I remember when I first started working out again, I went to this yoga class, which was more like yoga on steroids, and it took me out for a week.

So why am I sharing all this with you? For a couple reasons I guess. To make myself accountable. If I'm telling the world, I would feel a fool were I do give up before reaching my goals. Also, to raise some awareness for CFS. Those who don't suffer or know someone who suffer don't understand. I remember when I first started feeling tired I was getting the, "it's just the weather" explanation, of course, I'd been fatigued for over a year, so that couldn't be it. I was told, "you just need to exercise more" and at the time, I was kickboxing and walking regularly. Then I get people who say, "Oh yeah, I have to nap too," to which I ask, "for 3 hours? And do you have to set an alarm to be able to wake up for dinner or kickboxing class or etc etc etc."

It's really very frustrating. I mean, seriously, when I was diagnosed I was like, "that's a cop out diagnosis." But I know too well that it's real.

Thanks for once again reading my rant. I'll get there. I'm determined. I don't know how long it will take, but one of these days, I will find the balance I need to be a healthy, focused and productive once again.

Read more about CFS at the Mayo Clinic and the Washington Post. There's tons of info, just google.

A change for heart

When Chronic Fatigue Syndrome kicked in 3 years ago, it was debilitating. I had to take long naps in the middle of the afternoon, I was forced to quit kickboxing, and exercise I loved, because it became too hard on my tired body. I didn't have the energy to do any normal activities after work like clean, cook, work in the yard...Some days I could barely get out of bed. It also made my weight steadily climb.

As of late, I have been truly disgusted with myself. Though I have started working out and I eat fairly well, I cannot lose this weight I've put on the last few years. I worry about my health because people I went to school are started to die. I long to be fit and healthy again and live a long full life.

I bought myself a Fitbit. My work is very sedentary. I work at a computer pretty much all day doing research, writing, marketing...Even when I go to the gym after work and walk on the treadmill and lift weights, I still can't seem to get my 10,000 steps in.

Today I got a wild hair up my butt and decided I needed to start walking to work. There is nothing else I could think of that would help me get those steps I needed. I figured between that, cutting out most carbs, some dairy, cheese, and drinking one glass of red wine a night for health, maybe I could drop some of my excess weight.

I looked it up on Google maps. It said it would take me 40 minutes to get there. I looked out my sliding glass door. It was windy, but not rainy. The sky was peeking through gray clouds. So I went for it. I emptied all the unnecessary things out of my backpack, added my computer and accessories, hair product, makeup and deodorant and off I went.

 I regretted my decision almost a mile in when I felt the first rain drop. Then another. Then another. I put the hood up on my sweatshirt and kept going. I thought, if it got too bad, I could call my daughter. Lucky, the rain abated as quickly as it had began.

I looked at my Fitbit about a mile in and had only achieved about 1300 steps. How could that be possible? Was walking to work even worth it? I got hot and took my sweatshirt off.

There aren't really any steep hills, but there are a few steady inclines, which I think are almost worse.
At just over a mile, my 40+ year old hips screamed at me to turn around. I ignored them. I was already half way there. I was cold again, and put my sweatshirt back on.

Someone in a truck honked. Was it you? Let me know. I really couldn't tell who it was.

When I could finally see the shop, I was home free.

When I walked through the door, I checked my Fitbit. I was just a few steps away from 5,000 half a day's goal. Got a glass of water, turned on the fan, and here I am.

My bad elbow hurts a little. Hopefully the 5+ pounds I carried on my back won't affect me too much if at all (I'm old you know). My hair didn't frizz out too much, my makeup didn't melt. It was a good experience.

I'm determined to fight my CFS. I'm tired of it keeping me from getting things done. My goal is to get my mind, body and spirit back in alignment (if it really ever were). I think walking to work will be a good start if I can make it a habit. It's a little hard right now, because the weather is still pretty crappy here. Come summer, though, I'll be good to go.

Thanks for reading my crap. 40 pounds to go, mind starting to unfog, happiness on the horizon.

Another senseless death

An eighteen year old man was shot and killed here in a neighborhood that is usually quiet and definitely not known for trouble or violence. There have been a lot of shooting deaths here in Tacoma. Young people. Teenagers. Some of which weren't involved in anything illegal. Just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or came across the wrong person.

I'm truly at a loss for words about shooting deaths anymore. When all the facts are laid out it's been proven that less guns means less death. Having every person in the US armed is not the answer.

Why is that so hard to understand?

David Bowie is Dead

Normally this day would be reserved for my newly launched Monday Bullshit Sessions, but in lieu of David Bowie's death, I've changed course.

My oldest sister, Dana, has always loved Bowie. She followed him from the very beginning of his career, which was the year I was born, so I grew up surrounded by all things Bowie until my sister moved out. I was a fan.

There were years I really didn't understand him and his music, and some of his musical phases didn't really appeal to me, but no matter, his performances and ever-changing styles were always mesmerizing.

He became a bit more mainstream in the 80s with his Let's Dance Album. It was the height of my Let's Dance album, my favorites were always Space Oddity, Changes, and Heroes.
teen years and when MTV played music videos, and those videos told a story. Bowie's music and videos were always a piece of art. Although I was a big fan of that

That tour was also the first and only Bowie concert I would witness. Dana and I went together. It was an amazing experience.

Since then, he's always been somewhere in the background, on the car radio, a whistle in the shower, a karaoke song...it wasn't until my second daughter Rachel was born and watching movies that Bowie made another appearance in my life. Rachel's dad suggested we all watch Labyrinth. Admittedly, I had never seen the movie before then, around the year 2000. When it first came out I was too busy watching movies like 16 Candles, Better Off Dead and Breakfast Club.

Labyrinth became Rachel's favorite movie. She watched it her first time around three years old, and she still watches it to this day at age 18. In fact, I'm pretty sure she just watched it last weekend. She is now a huge Bowie fan.

One thing that stands out about Bowie and wife Iman, is that they weren't whores to the paparazzi. For the most part, they stayed out of the drama that can come with stardom and the spotlight altogether.

I'm saddened by the news of his death. He made a huge impact on the music world, and made his mark in film and theater as well. Bowie was a man of innovation, style and class. His spirit will be missed.