A change for heart

When Chronic Fatigue Syndrome kicked in 3 years ago, it was debilitating. I had to take long naps in the middle of the afternoon, I was forced to quit kickboxing, and exercise I loved, because it became too hard on my tired body. I didn't have the energy to do any normal activities after work like clean, cook, work in the yard...Some days I could barely get out of bed. It also made my weight steadily climb.

As of late, I have been truly disgusted with myself. Though I have started working out and I eat fairly well, I cannot lose this weight I've put on the last few years. I worry about my health because people I went to school are started to die. I long to be fit and healthy again and live a long full life.

I bought myself a Fitbit. My work is very sedentary. I work at a computer pretty much all day doing research, writing, marketing...Even when I go to the gym after work and walk on the treadmill and lift weights, I still can't seem to get my 10,000 steps in.

Today I got a wild hair up my butt and decided I needed to start walking to work. There is nothing else I could think of that would help me get those steps I needed. I figured between that, cutting out most carbs, some dairy, cheese, and drinking one glass of red wine a night for health, maybe I could drop some of my excess weight.

I looked it up on Google maps. It said it would take me 40 minutes to get there. I looked out my sliding glass door. It was windy, but not rainy. The sky was peeking through gray clouds. So I went for it. I emptied all the unnecessary things out of my backpack, added my computer and accessories, hair product, makeup and deodorant and off I went.

 I regretted my decision almost a mile in when I felt the first rain drop. Then another. Then another. I put the hood up on my sweatshirt and kept going. I thought, if it got too bad, I could call my daughter. Lucky, the rain abated as quickly as it had began.

I looked at my Fitbit about a mile in and had only achieved about 1300 steps. How could that be possible? Was walking to work even worth it? I got hot and took my sweatshirt off.

There aren't really any steep hills, but there are a few steady inclines, which I think are almost worse.
At just over a mile, my 40+ year old hips screamed at me to turn around. I ignored them. I was already half way there. I was cold again, and put my sweatshirt back on.

Someone in a truck honked. Was it you? Let me know. I really couldn't tell who it was.

When I could finally see the shop, I was home free.

When I walked through the door, I checked my Fitbit. I was just a few steps away from 5,000 half a day's goal. Got a glass of water, turned on the fan, and here I am.

My bad elbow hurts a little. Hopefully the 5+ pounds I carried on my back won't affect me too much if at all (I'm old you know). My hair didn't frizz out too much, my makeup didn't melt. It was a good experience.

I'm determined to fight my CFS. I'm tired of it keeping me from getting things done. My goal is to get my mind, body and spirit back in alignment (if it really ever were). I think walking to work will be a good start if I can make it a habit. It's a little hard right now, because the weather is still pretty crappy here. Come summer, though, I'll be good to go.

Thanks for reading my crap. 40 pounds to go, mind starting to unfog, happiness on the horizon.

I am not sucking at life

No, I'm not. I'm drinking coffee with creamer. It's not the best tasting creamer I've ever had, but it has natural ingredients. And I'm not blending my coffee with coconut milk and cinnamon in my Magic Bullet. Why am I telling you this? Because yesterday was my last day on The Whole 30.

If you know not what the Whole 30 is, visit the link above. If you're sluggish all the time, want to change your relationship with food, want to look younger, want to sleep better, want to lose a little weight, you might want to give it a try.

How I feel after having done the Whole 30...

Food: Food and I are friends again. For awhile we had this weird relationship, It was mostly good,

sometimes I cheated on it. Sometimes I ignored it altogether. Other times my love for it was so intense I had to have it all. Also, I found myself having a quickie for dinner way too often.

Now I eat every meal, 3 a day. Sometimes I have a snack in between lunch and dinner, or after dinner if my stomach is a little grumbly. I'm cooking again. Sometimes I still need the quickie, but instead of turning to my longtime friend, Popcorn, I'll grab leftover meat (I always make enough to have leftovers) cook up some sweet potatoes and throw a salad together. Okay, it's not the 2 minute meal I've grown accustomed to, it's more like 30 minutes, but it's healthier, it's delicious and it treats my body good. I think I can handle an extra 28 minutes for that.

I buy most everything fresh except my coconut milk. I don't mind reading labels now, but if I buy fresh, I don't have to. I'm getting my fill of veggies and fruit, which I'd been neglecting for a while. I'm eating all good fats, almonds, ghee, avocado, olive oil. No more butter or margarine.

Alcohol: Alcohol and I used to be tight. You see, with me, alcohol is that friend that pesters you into hanging out until you cave. I mean, you love it, it's that friend you can lean on when you've had a hard day, or been given some bad new. Sometimes you'd just like to say no, but it always seems to be hanging around. Sometimes it overstays its welcome. I put alcohol in it's place. I made it go away until I'm ready to be friends again. Do I miss it sometimes when it's not around? Sure. But I'm confident that when we become friends again, I'll just see it socially and not be so dependent on it all the time.  Besides, I have a new friend that treats me better - sparkling water.

Sleep: A few years ago, sleep decided it didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I mean, it came around from time to time, but not as much as I wanted it too. Sleep and I have improved our relationship. Now it comes around every night and stays until morning. It usually leaves early, but I'm okay with that. Usually I've had enough to the point that I feel good and am ready to face the day.

Weight: My relationship with weight has been a rollercoaster ride in the past. Lately however, it's like I'm stuck at the top of the hill and no matter what I try, I can't get down. The Whole 30 helped me get down the hill. Just a little hill, but I'm hoping to get down a bigger hill soon enough until I can get off the ride for good. I don't think I'll share how much weight I've lost since the program isn't about that, it's about everything else. I'll just say, I look better and my clothes fit better. If I'd exercised more (I do, but I need to step it up) I'd probably have lost more. I actually had the meat guy at the grocery store flirt with me yesterday. It's been awhile since someone flirted with me.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: I've never liked CFS. Our relationship is parasitic. CFS is the friend who is always complaining and always miserable and after you've been with them for a while you just want to crawl into a hole and die. This relationship has also improved. Am I cured? No. But I get through the day without a nap (which is BIG for me). My energy level is higher during that time and I'm more productive than I have been in a long time. It still hits in the early evening though, 7 or 8 o'clock. But I'm okay with this because it's better and I can just crawl in bed with my phone or a book or my computer to watch Netflix.

What comes next?

Happy Hour. That's right, tonight I celebrate this achievement because to me, it's big. Don't worry, happy hour is not going to get me back into my old habits. I like the way I feel, I like the way I look, I like the way I eat. I will keep eating this way for the most part. I don't miss cheese or really any dairy (except my coffee creamer) for that matter. I'm not missing grains. I may have a glass of wine or a drink from time to time. And hey, I'll probably eat some popcorn, but not as much as I did at one sitting and not for dinner.

What am I hoping to gain from all this?

I'm hoping to shed a few more pounds. I'm hoping to have the energy to get to the gym regularly. I'm hoping to get another book published. I'm hoping to be more productive around the house and in the yard. I'm hoping I can be there for my kids and my parents when they need me.

I'm hoping this lasts a lifetime because I feel and look better than I have in years.

Wednesday Weigh In: Slow start and stupid cats

Finally I'm back on track. Down 4 pounds and exercising again. Determined.

I had something I was going to blog about, but I think it's more vlog worthy, so I'm hoping to have some time to film a Middle Aged Angst segment today.

Instead I'll talk about Lola. The cat that comes to visit. Mind you, I am not an animal person, mostly because I have horrible allergies. But awhile back, this cat started coming to my window and meowing.

One day I gave her turkey. She seemed very hungry.

Then I did it again. And again.

Then one day I let her in.

Now mind you, she's not homeless. She doesn't have a collar, but she's well fed and not mangy at all.

So then me and the Things got her some stuff. A bed, a scratching post, a couple toys, a food dish and food.

This has been going on for at least a couple months now where she comes, mostly on weekends, though her weekday visits have increased.

Yesterday she came in and was acting crazy. Next thing I know, she's in my office peeing in a box that held the newspaper articles about me and my book. I promptly tell Thing One to kick her out, as she's really the only one in the house that likes her.

Now I'm convinced she's the reincarnation of the cat I accidentally ran over when I moved into the neighborhood. I always said the cats in the hood were stalking me after the incident, but now I'm convinced.

New Year's Resolution Recap

 I was thinking about making some new resolutions, but I wanted to go back to last year and see if I achieved any of the goals I'd set for myself.  I didn't promise myself I'd achieve them, but I did say I'd try like hell.  Here are last year's resolutions and how I fared.

The first resolution was:
I will be more physically active.  Seriously people, I've let myself go.  Haven't set foot in a gym, or exercised for MONTHS.  So I resolve to get off my ass and get moving.




Well, um, I've exercised.  I bought the elliptical and used it, I went bike riding, I let Jillian Michaels kick my ass on occasion.  I think I've accomplished this, not as much as I would have liked to, but a little bit.

 Next resolution was:
And hopefully with all this action will come the dropping of a few *cough cough* extra pounds I've put on this year.

I didn't lose as much as I wanted, but I did lose seven pounds.  Not epic, but something.

Next resolution was:

I will write more.  I did write one book this year, Cheesy, which I'm in love with, but I finished that ages ago.  I've written very little in the last six months.


I wrote a book again this year, Sliced.  I'm rewriting it, so I think I've done well on this one.  I don't write every day like I should, but I do write when I can.  Day job kind of sucks my creativity right out of me.

Next:

I will try once again to find some peace and be happy in life.


The year started off pretty rough.  Then I went in and told my doctor I was bi-polar, and I was right.  New meds and I've been pretty balanced this year since March.  I've had a couple relapses, but not even close to where I was last year and the beginning of this year, so I say this resolution was a WIN.

Lastly:

I think the most important thing is to find out who I am.  I know the mother me, the wife me, and the writer me, but I don't really know that much more about myself.  I want to explore that and see who comes out in the wash.

I'm not sure I'm there yet.  I know I've worked hard to learn web design.  I've become a pretty good marketer.  I've worked hard to market Never Eighteen.  So, I guess I'm a hard worker.  But that's not me.  I've not been around many people this year, I've stayed pretty home based.  I watch myself fairly carefully, being bi-polar I have to be careful with who I go out with and what I do.  I'm still that mom, that writer, but I guess I'm not sure what else yet.  I guess I'll work on that more again next year.

Tomorrow I'll share the resolutions I've made for myself this year, and hope they stick.

Wednesday Weigh In: Dating a chef

This is not what my chef looks like.

Okay, I'm not doing so bad, but dating a chef makes it difficult to stay on track.  I took him to meet my parents last night (yes, another step) and he made gnocchi with chicken and peppers, roasted acorn squash, and we had bread and wine on the side.  Yum.  needless to say, I've not weighed myself this morning. 

The next couple days though, I'm buckling down to lose a couple pounds.  Office xmas party is Saturday and I have to fit into one of my dresses. sigh.

Still have the goal of losing more weight by release date.  That gives me just over a month *hyperventilate*. I think I can drop at least a few by then as long as my chef cooks light for me (or  not at all, lol).  AND no cookies, candy, or other holiday treats. sigh.

Monkey Madness Monday

So, it's Monday once again.  Time to achieve some goals.  First, weight.  I actually only gained a pound over the weekend.  I'm shocked and amazed.  Still, I want to drop at least another fifteen before my launch.  I know it's doable, but I don't know if I can do it.  I have my weaknesses.  If I stay away from the appetizer tables at the Christmas parties, I should be all right.

Writing goals: finish the rewrite of my WIP, Sliced.  It's going slow, writing time has been short, but I'm just going to have to buckle down and do it.  Instead of watching Gray's Anatomy and playing Angry Birds I'm going to spend that time writing and reading.

Christmas:  all presents purchased by December 2nd.  That is my goal. I've already done pretty good, but I'm afraid some mall shopping will need to be done. Ugh.

Petty stuff, new boots, maybe an Amazon Kindle Fire (I've fought the ebook long enough), baking, reading, making Christmas cards.

You have any goals for the holiday season?

Wednesday Weigh In: Pizza Binge

this is not me

Yep, I had a little pizza binge over the weekend, but it didn't do much damage probably because I continued the yoga torture and elliptical.

I'm still down five pounds, I don't feel too bad about it.

I'm kicking up the exercise a notch, thinking about cutting meat down to once a day.  I lost a lot of weight when I did that before and kept it off until all my drama/mental crap threw the extra weight my direction and it stuck.
 
So, I'm working it.  I'm going to set a goal of Ten pounds from this point before Christmas.  I think that's realistic.  Then more before my release, which is my main goal.

How are you doing?  not just weight wise, but life wise as well?

Monkey Madness Monday

Yes, it is Monkey Madness Monday!!  I've turned over a new leaf. (again) of course I had some serious motivation this time.  I was watching some of the old chronicle videos I've done, and i was skinny.  I want to be that girl again without all the mental problems. :)

So this weekend was my last hurrah, I ate pizza and last night had some Francis Ford Coppola wine.  I also got on the elliptical twice and just finished Jillian Michaels yoga torture this morning.

Back to the good carbs and fiber.  I even ate breakfast this morning ( I never do).  I am going to lose this weight before my release.  Holidays be damned!

Life is getting more normal, school soccer is over, I'm almost done with my to-do list for my release other than party details.  Life is good.

What goals are you shooting for before the end of the years?

Wednesday Weigh In, Christmas and some bookish things

So, I'm still down six pounds.  I'm okay with that.  the weekends seem to be my biggest challenge.  i've been exercising but not regularly, so i have to get my butt outof my seat and get on the elliptical. (as my friend gae calls it, the f*@!king elliptical).

I still would really like to lose another 20 before my release.  it will be a challenge, but i'm really going to push it.

I've decided to decorate for christmas now.  last year it took me awhile to get into the spirit.  i'm already there now. this week will be devoted to taking down the halloween stuff and decking the halls.

last thing, next stop on my blog tour is Alison can read.  It's a tens list of concerts i've been to.  very apropos since austin, my protag, loves music.

have a happy wednesday!!

Wednesday Weigh in, guest blogging, a new video, and a good cause

I'm six pounds down.  It's been a rough road to get there.  I still want to drop another twenty at least.  My exhaustion has finally passed and I've got off my butt and exercised.  Tortuous Jillian Michaels yoga in the morning, some kind of aerobic activity in the afternoon/evening.  It was nice enough to bridge walk the other day, but weather is changing and I'll probably move to the elliptical (once I superglue the foot back on, the hazards of having a bunch of teenage girls in the house).

I also want to mention that I have a guest post up at the Class of 2k11 today about what they've taught me that I'll take into my debut year.  Look for another post from me on Friday at the Class of 2k11.

I've also opened a Never Eighteen shop at Cafe Press.  All the profits are going to Mary Bridge Children's Hospital in Tacoma.  I thought it apropos with the theme of my book and they saved my daughter's life when she was just 5 weeks old.  I feel like I'll never be able to repay them.

I've posted a new video.  A bunch of random thoughts from me. Watch it here.

One more thing, I have a blog tour starting on Halloween through Teen Book Scene.  The details can be found here.

Have a great Wednesday!

F³A: I'm starting to freak out

My book release is three months away.  THREE MONTHS!!!!!

I'm seriously starting to freak out.  I'm trying to plan two parties.  The Tacoma Public Libraries have offered to host my release party and then I'm having a private party for close friends and family.

My marketing campaign is not quite in place yet.  I'm still working on it.  Who would have thunk it would be hard to get people to take a free book?!?!?!

I'm still writing guest blogs.  I'm almost blogged out. I'm not sure I'll ever want to blog again when this is all over.

I'm trying to drop *cough* another 20 pounds before release.  I'm not sure I'll make it.

I'll have to get my house ready for out of town guests.  I may have to hire someone to help me come clean it, because I'm not good at cleaning things like door frames, and corners, and crap like that.

I will probably also be going into seclusion next week to finish revisions on my WIP. ugh.

Someone talk me down from the ledge so I don't have to resort to xanax.

Friday Scribbles:

Random Pandora song of the week: Vienna by the Fray. I love Pandora.  It gets me through my work day.

Netflix of the week:  Finally finished Monk and have started on Breaking Bad.  Looks funny.

Book of the week:  Um, I've not had much time to read.  I'm reading a friends manuscript and it's really good.  May be the one that gets her published.


Quote of the week:  "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."  I don't know who to attribute that too. I remember reading that years ago some where and for some reason it popped into my head this morning.

Wednesday Weigh In

Yeah, I know, haven't done this in awhile.  I've been, well, unfocused.  Starting to live right.  Again.  Maybe it will stick this time.  The great thing about each new day is that it has the potential of being a fresh start.  Started this "living right" on Friday, with only a couple, um, setbacks, and have lost 3 pounds.

I gained thirty pounds during my divorce crap.  My ex lost at least that much.  I think he gave it to me. ;)

It's been really hard because I've been suffering from exhaustion.  It's hard to get off my butt.  Once I'm able to do that (I'm really trying, believe me) I'll be able to shed more pounds.  My goal is 20 pounds by my release. (I'd like 30, but being realistic, not going to starve myself, I like food too much) 

So, here I go once again.  If you want to share your stories, feel free.

And my offer still stand about my youtube channel.  If you subscribe, I'll send you a signed bookmark.

Wednesday Weigh In

I did better this week.  -1 pound.  yay me.  I'm keeping up with my exercise, though I think it's time to throw some Pilates in the mix.  I've also cut down on my Starbucks. sigh.  Yes I know how many calories are in my venti non fat no whip white mocha, but sometimes I can't help myself.

I'm hoping when the weather changes I still force myself to walk outside.  Exercising inside just isn't the same.  The fresh air clears my head too. I think I'll be more productive if I continue outside.  We'll see when the time comes.

Wednesday Weigh In: Ugh

Worse than last week.  Of course, I'm probably still gaining muscle because I'm exercising regularly, but I KNOW I maybe didn't eat all that good this week.  Sheesh, making myself accountable to the world isn't working yet.  I'm still working it though.

Time to get serious.  This is getting ridiculous!!

Wednesday Weigh In: Ugh

These are not my hairy legs.

Yeah, um, well, I stayed pretty much the same. I maybe lost  1/16 of a pound.  I've exercised every day though, I could maybe attribute at least part of it to muscle gain? (wishful thinking, but that's what they say you know)

I've been vacillating between weight watchers and low carb.  I haven't been doing well on the weight watchers, but I paid for it. (will they give me my money back?)

I was kind of doing a combo, but that's not really working for me.

I think I'm going to have to go low carb.  I was doing that a few weeks ago and lost five pounds (which somehow found their way back).  I like using The Daily Plate on the Livestrong website.  It has every food under the sun to track with nutrition info for all of it.  You can track your exercise, set how many calories you want to eat in a day.  I think I may just go back to using that.

I would like to drop some of this weight before my author event next Friday.  Wish me luck.

F³A: non sequitirs

I see mustangs.  Ford mustangs to be exact.  It's weird, because I never noticed them before and now it seems like they're everywhere.  I'm sure  they've always been there, but even so, I'm taking it as a good omen for my novel, Never Eighteen to do well.  I'm sure you've seen the '69 mustang on the cover.  So, I'm going to start counting them, the ones I notice at least.  And posting here and on my Facebook fan page.

I have mentioned that my novel is available for pre-order at various online bookstores, right? like Amazon, B&N, Indie Bound, Book-a-Million, and Powell's. (nothing like a little blatant self promotion to start the day, right?)

This is not my body

okay, switching gears.  I'm going on a journey.  A weight loss journey.  I'm serious this time.  I'm sick of this stupid divorce weight.   I've already started exercising.  I've joined weight watchers online (which I'm not convinced is for me, but we'll see).  On Wednesdays, right here, I'm going to post my progress. My starting weight is . . . yeah, right.  Like I'm going to tell you.  Anyhoo, I figure if I have to post it online, it might keep me on track.  How embarrassing would it be to come here and tell you I've gained 2 pounds?

Did I mention my book release is scaring me to death?  I have my first writer event at the end of the month, which terrifies me.  Anyone who's read my book want to tell me which section I should read aloud?  I have a million postcards sitting here to go out to librarians, LA teachers, and bookstores.  They mock me, sitting there on my counter waiting for me to do something about it.  I haven't even finished my excel workbook of names and addresses.  I need to write a teacher's guide (or hire someone to do it, hint hint, any takers?), get my guest list going for my release parties, yes I said parties, create a letter for the marketing campaign my publicist and I came up with, finish my trailer, and, and, and . . .

I think I'm going to start a new vlog series.  It's too late for my idea of chronicles of a debut author.  You kind of get the idea of what I've gone through anyhoo.  This one will be called, Middle Aged Angst. It will be about writing, but it will also be about life as an over forty woman.  So there's that.  I'm going to try and begin this weekend, but don't hold me to that.

Have I mentioned the stress at my day job?  Websites, SEO, Blogging, Newsletter, and Goats.  That's all I'll say about that.

And did I also mention my boyfriend and I broke up?

Okay, I think I'm done ranting, raving, and rambling.

Here are the Friday Nibbles:

Random iPod shuffle song: Creep by Radiohead

Movie of the Week: I'm going to go with an Indie movie called Winning Season.  It stars Sam Rockwell and Emma Roberts about an alcoholic has been basketball player and coach hired to coach a pathetic girls team.  Loved it.

Book of the Week:  I've pathetically not started a book in weeks, so I'm going to keep giving Amy Fellner Dominy this position until I get her book read.  OyMG has been on my "reading" list on goodreads for about forever, yet I've not started it yet.  Nothing to do with Amy or her book, just my business. I've heard great things about it.  I think I will force myself to take the time to read.

Quote of the Week: I've got two this week.
"Been busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest." ~ Stephen King
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." ~ Henry David Thoreau (pathetically I almost spelled his last name Thorough)

Monday Morning Blahg: Battle of the Bulge

Why is it so easy to gain weight?  I've been trying for weeks to lose weight, I dropped nine pounds doing the low carb thing, and one weekend of eating a few carbs here and there and I'm practically right back where I started.

This weather isn't helping me any.  I get SO tired of exercising indoors.  When it's nice, I've been walking the Narrows Bridge, but the weather here has a constant identity crisis.  Yesterday was beautiful (I spent it doing yard work), today, rain. sigh.

I know if I want to drop the weight I'm going to have to get my ass on the elliptical, because you just can't depend on the weather here.  Seriously, I have like 30 pounds to drop. 

I guess I'd better get to work.

Writing Wednesday: Sad

Unedited of course.

We never said a word to each other until we both found ourselves at Lacy McKenna’s kegger.  The best cure for shyness is a couple pints of beer.  I remember just sitting there in the corner by myself, Haley, that’s my best friend, was off getting us a couple more beers.  David came up and said, “You’re the girl that shits behind me in English.” 

     I couldn’t help but laugh at the way he slurred sit to sound like shit.  “Yeah, that’s me.”

     He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.  “I’ve seen you looking at me.  Why you always doin’ that?”

     I looked at him and said, “Because I find you interesting.”

     “Why?”

     “You’re so quiet and always look like you’re deep in thought.  I sometimes wonder what you’re thinking about.”

     “Really?”

     “Yeah, really.”

     “That’s kind of cool.”

     An awkward silence lingered between us, and I figured it couldn’t get any more awkward so I said, “I heard about your dad.  Sorry.”

     He looked at me and said, “You want to go talk somewhere?  Quieter I mean?”

     “Sure.” 

     He grabbed my hand and led me through the living room.  Haley was heading back with my beer, so snatched it from her and said, “Be back in a bit.”  Knowing how much I crushed on David, she gave me the thumbs up then went on her way. 

     David took me up a staircase, and opened the first door on the right, which he immediately closed back up saying, “Oops, sorry.”  He turned and gave me an embarrassed look.  I giggled.

     Door number three seemed to be the charm.  He led me to the bed where we sat in silence for a minute sipping our beers while he eyed me cautiously.  Finally he said, “I’ve never really talked about it and no one up to this point has ever asked.”

     “About your dad?”

     “Yeah?”

     “That’s because people trip over their tongues when it comes to talking about the hard facts of life.”

When did my butt get so big?

Lack of sleep left me without a blog idea. So I put it out there and my friend Christine said she'd gained five pounds, blog about that. So I shall.

Women and weight have this roller coaster relationship. Up and down, up and down.

Here's the funny thing. When we're younger, we have this distorted body image. We look in the mirror and we see ourselves like Jabba the Hut. It doesn't matter if we look like Twiggy (here she is to the left). I remember when I was in high school, I thought I was fat. I was on a constant diet. Thing was, I wasn't really overweight. I look back and wish that was my body again.

Media tells us what we should look like, which back in those days, was stick figures. This is why so many young women are afflicted with eating disorders, because of the impossible examples of how we should look. We can not all be Kate Moss thin .

Now, when I got into my twenties, I was more comfortable in my own skin, but still not happy. And forget about after I had kids...yikes. You will never see a photo of me from 1996 to 2006. That's when I began the dance, the back and forth with the weight. Now, I have come to terms that I will never be "thin". I am a real woman, I have curves (okay, maybe I don't look like this --->), and I've learned to like myself that way. However, I like to be strong and muscular and toned, and this is where I'm lacking at times, like, er, now.

I know what it takes. A balance between exercise and eating right. NOT dieting. And I do eat right. Low salt, low fat, no beef or pork, no partially hydrogenated oils, I eat whole grains. I cook a lot from scratch. I even gave up my Doritos for god's sake.

But time to get back to the exercise, which I start next week, and now I have this, er, health coach through my husband's medical (they actually pay ME to talk to her). So if I don't stick to my plan, I look like a schmuck because I have to be accountable to her and to myself.

Random things I want.

Since I'm not doing a top four list this week, I thought I would post some random thing that I would like.

I would like a garden without weeds, spiders, and other disgusting bug.

I would like all the computers and computer equipment in my house not being used to magically disappear, so I don't have to dispose of them myself.

I want a walk in closet.

I would like a storage room, shelves lining the walls for all my random crap.

I want to see Rome again.

I want my kids to be done with the monstrosity swing set in the back yard so I can get rid of it.

I want more hours in the day.

The ability to run.

I want to be 15 pounds lighter and have a six pack.

My own beach place.

One of the best agents in the business and a killer publishing contract with the biggest publisher in the world.

The ability to create a brilliant novel without having to edit.

That about sums it up. Maybe.