This is one of those days...

Today is one of the days that my fatigue catches up with me. It's one of those days in which, if I didn't have a job, I wouldn't get out of bed. I believe I set myself back walking to work, and that was two weeks ago. I haven't been to the gym, I'm behind on some of my work, I've not cleaned my room, finished cleaning my office, got my taxes ready, done dishes, put away packages that came last week...

I can barely keep my eyes open. My head feels like someone hit me with a baseball bat. My entire body hurts. I want to cry.

This was something I was afraid of about working again -  that I wouldn't be able to keep up with it. My last job was 5 hours, until 1:30. I could go home and nap. This one, the hours aren't conducive to napping. And come next month I'm supposed to start working from 3 days a week to 5. Basically full time. And I still have two other jobs I don't want to give up. That is something I really didn't sign up for in the beginning and I really don't have any choice. We can't afford to hire someone else.

I don't know what to do. I just want to go back to bed. Sometimes I yearn for the days I was a stay at
home mom and could write all day, go to the gym, get the house clean and have dinner on the table by 5 (the Ultimate JFC). I wouldn't say life was easier back then, it had it's stresses, but my body didn't feel like this. My head didn't feel like this.

I wasn't like this.

But now I just have to suck it up and get ready for work (a job in which I do truly love btw) and hope there are not too many phone calls or hard questions. And I just look forward to Friday, a day I don't have to do anything if I don't want to, or I can catch up on the stuff I need to if my body and brain allow it.

More of the battle

I was going to write about the joke of a presidential election happening, or the idiocy of blocking a nomination of a supreme court justice, the building of a methanol plant here in my city, or maybe even the new emoticon buttons on our facebook posts, but I've had some people tell me they have enjoyed being educated about CFS and I should continue to write about it. So here I go...

The view from my back door today.

Today would have been a beautiful day to walk to work, but basically, CFS and insomnia (could be CFS related insomnia, but who knows) has kicked my ass this week. I pushed really hard last week and now I'm paying the price. Last night I tried a little "herbal" help for my sleep. Yes, I mean weed. Not just any weed, but weed designed specifically to help you sleep. Don't judge, it's legal here. It made me tired. I fell asleep. Then I woke at 2 am and stayed awake until almost 6 am. When I woke up again at 9ish, I feel like I got hit in the head with a baseball bat, I have enormous bags under my eyes and they sting, and my entire body aches, especially my back and elbow (the joint pain is excruciatingly painful).

A friend told me that retail weed is weak and that I should try medical weed before the government ruins it for everyone (they've closed a bunch of MM stores, I assume they will continue to do so or start regulating their weed). So, anyway, the sleepy time weed didn't work.

Many people on my Facebook page gave me ideas for how to sleep better. I appreciate the support, I do, but none of it is anything I haven't tried before, with the exception of meditation and Zzzzzquil. A friend invited me to her meditation/yoga class next week, and I'm considering going though I hate yoga. And I think I'll go to the drug store for some good old fashioned Zquil. May try xanax as well since I have some.

Having CFS comes with a lot of other crap. Insomnia is one of them. Restless leg syndrome is another, which also is cause for a lack of sleep. Pain of course. And for some reason, I get itchy, especially my back and feet. No idea why. I've switched body wash, laundry detergent and fabric softeners to dye and fragrance free, but it doesn't seem to alleviate the problem.

I need to address some issues with doctors, unfortunately, I have to switch some doctors around because of my health insurance. I also have been doing research and finding what may help those who suffer from CFS with insomnia.

These sleepless bouts have been going on for about 3 years. I'll go sleepless for a few months, then have one day that my body revolts and I can't get out of bed all day, then it starts over again. Hopefully that "bed in" day will be on a day I don't have to work, but with my luck, I probably can't count on it.

So tonight, I follow some of the guidelines I've found and maybe take some Zquil. Hopefully I can get more than the 2 hours and 54 minutes I got last night (according to my Fitbit).

Insomnia and other pesky ailments

I know you're probably tired of me talking about CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), but like I said in a previous blog, people don't get it. They don't understand it. They don't know how debilitating it can be. It causes things like insomnia. I have suffered insomnia for about three years now. Something I didn't know was connected with CFS. According to my FitBit, I never get more than four hours of restful sleep a night. Last night, I woke at 1:30 am and was up until 6 am. I did finally go back to sleep, but have no idea how this giant break in my sleep will affect my day.

Also, a follow up from last weeks blogs in which I walked to work...I've been paying for it. My entire body aches, I'm so exhausted, I've been having dizzy spells...I didn't walk to work yesterday, because I had some things I needed to bring there that would have been too burdensome to carry. This morning I needed to sleep as long as possible, so I won't be walking today either. I hope to get back to it tomorrow. I'm serious about fighting back. It may have put me out for a few days, but I'm going to get right back to it when I feel my body can handle it.

Luckily I have a job that is fun and doesn't take much physical effort. I can only handle  5 to 6 hours a day, especially when using my brain a lot. When I was trying to find a job, I was worried I wouldn't be able to find one that fit my needs. I was afraid I'd have to go on disability, which felt wrong because I'm perfectly capable of working, I just can't work a full time job. I even had to fight to get unemployment because I was only looking for part time jobs. I had to get a letter from  my doctor and have a hearing with a judge. Thankfully she understood. I'm glad to have a job in which I only work 6 hours a day,

I worry though, because come April, I'll have to work 5 days a week. I know that sounds lazy, but the struggle is real. However, I did work 5 days a week before for 5 hours a day and I did okay. I usually had to take a nap as soon as I went home. This job is different because my hours are noon to 6. There is no nap time. If I had my choice, I'd get up early and get things done, then go to work. But the reality is, working those hours, I need to sleep as late as possible to help me make it through the day.

I know it probably sounds pathetic to a normal person, but I can't reiterate how real it is. I used to be a person always on the go, always getting things done. I had endless energy and could write, clean, cook, exercise, take care of the kids, do the grocery shopping, help with homework...how I'm lucky to get one of those things in during the day. So believe me, it's frustrating. I wanted a curable diagnosis so I could get back to being my normal self. But what my doctor said is this,

"You have to come to the realization that you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You need to learn how to live with it. You need to learn how to love yourself with it."

I'm still learning.

Fighting Back

So, yesterday, if you read my blog, you know I walked to work. I did pretty good. Took me 40 minutes to get there. Worked 6 hours. Then I hosted an event at the wine shop for 2 hours. After that, I went to my older daughter's double header indoor soccer game. As the second game was starting, the exhaustion kicked in. That is probably the longest day I've had since the CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) kicked in more than three years ago now.

I do not want to let CFS define who I am. I haven't fought it much, because it's just too hard and tiring, but I want my body, mind and soul back. I'm ready to be fit again and lose this weight I've gained as a result of fatigue. My body has undergone many horrible symptoms caused by CFS -  it's not just about fatigue. It affects my sleep, which I've not got a decent night of in years. Causes joint pain, which I have in one knee and one elbow. Also, dizziness, allergies, and a plethora (one of my favorite words) of other fun physical problems.

Truly, I'd like to get my mind back as well. CFS is not just a physical illness, but a mental one too. I suffer from serious brain fog. At first I didn't realize that was a symptom of CFS. I thought (and maybe still do) that I had adult ADD because I couldn't focus. My writing has suffered. Probably why I've not completed another novel. Often when I'm speaking to someone, I can't pull up the easiest of words. Words anyone, even a child could remember and come up with. When I'm working on freelance writing, the thesaurus is my bible. My memory has suffered too. I also suffer from CRS (can't remember shit) which I worry annoys people I talk to often.

Now let's talk about my soul. I've been very open about suffering from depression and anxiety. Now, this I've suffered even before CFS, but having it doesn't help one bit. When, like me, you used to be active and witty, smart and productive, then suddenly you're more like a sloth,..it affects your self esteem and confidence.

So today I stepped up my workout. Instead of walking for a length of time, I chose to walk a distance. Then I walked 10 minutes more because I had to finish watching House Hunter. I mean, they were choosing a home in Hawaii! I had already invested 20 minutes.  Then I did some strength training. I mostly work on my arms, because, really, my legs ain't so bad. I want to get rid of what I like to call "Back Boobs."

I have to be careful though. If I overdo it, it could set me back a few days. I remember when I first started working out again, I went to this yoga class, which was more like yoga on steroids, and it took me out for a week.

So why am I sharing all this with you? For a couple reasons I guess. To make myself accountable. If I'm telling the world, I would feel a fool were I do give up before reaching my goals. Also, to raise some awareness for CFS. Those who don't suffer or know someone who suffer don't understand. I remember when I first started feeling tired I was getting the, "it's just the weather" explanation, of course, I'd been fatigued for over a year, so that couldn't be it. I was told, "you just need to exercise more" and at the time, I was kickboxing and walking regularly. Then I get people who say, "Oh yeah, I have to nap too," to which I ask, "for 3 hours? And do you have to set an alarm to be able to wake up for dinner or kickboxing class or etc etc etc."

It's really very frustrating. I mean, seriously, when I was diagnosed I was like, "that's a cop out diagnosis." But I know too well that it's real.

Thanks for once again reading my rant. I'll get there. I'm determined. I don't know how long it will take, but one of these days, I will find the balance I need to be a healthy, focused and productive once again.

Read more about CFS at the Mayo Clinic and the Washington Post. There's tons of info, just google.

A change for heart

When Chronic Fatigue Syndrome kicked in 3 years ago, it was debilitating. I had to take long naps in the middle of the afternoon, I was forced to quit kickboxing, and exercise I loved, because it became too hard on my tired body. I didn't have the energy to do any normal activities after work like clean, cook, work in the yard...Some days I could barely get out of bed. It also made my weight steadily climb.

As of late, I have been truly disgusted with myself. Though I have started working out and I eat fairly well, I cannot lose this weight I've put on the last few years. I worry about my health because people I went to school are started to die. I long to be fit and healthy again and live a long full life.

I bought myself a Fitbit. My work is very sedentary. I work at a computer pretty much all day doing research, writing, marketing...Even when I go to the gym after work and walk on the treadmill and lift weights, I still can't seem to get my 10,000 steps in.

Today I got a wild hair up my butt and decided I needed to start walking to work. There is nothing else I could think of that would help me get those steps I needed. I figured between that, cutting out most carbs, some dairy, cheese, and drinking one glass of red wine a night for health, maybe I could drop some of my excess weight.

I looked it up on Google maps. It said it would take me 40 minutes to get there. I looked out my sliding glass door. It was windy, but not rainy. The sky was peeking through gray clouds. So I went for it. I emptied all the unnecessary things out of my backpack, added my computer and accessories, hair product, makeup and deodorant and off I went.

 I regretted my decision almost a mile in when I felt the first rain drop. Then another. Then another. I put the hood up on my sweatshirt and kept going. I thought, if it got too bad, I could call my daughter. Lucky, the rain abated as quickly as it had began.

I looked at my Fitbit about a mile in and had only achieved about 1300 steps. How could that be possible? Was walking to work even worth it? I got hot and took my sweatshirt off.

There aren't really any steep hills, but there are a few steady inclines, which I think are almost worse.
At just over a mile, my 40+ year old hips screamed at me to turn around. I ignored them. I was already half way there. I was cold again, and put my sweatshirt back on.

Someone in a truck honked. Was it you? Let me know. I really couldn't tell who it was.

When I could finally see the shop, I was home free.

When I walked through the door, I checked my Fitbit. I was just a few steps away from 5,000 half a day's goal. Got a glass of water, turned on the fan, and here I am.

My bad elbow hurts a little. Hopefully the 5+ pounds I carried on my back won't affect me too much if at all (I'm old you know). My hair didn't frizz out too much, my makeup didn't melt. It was a good experience.

I'm determined to fight my CFS. I'm tired of it keeping me from getting things done. My goal is to get my mind, body and spirit back in alignment (if it really ever were). I think walking to work will be a good start if I can make it a habit. It's a little hard right now, because the weather is still pretty crappy here. Come summer, though, I'll be good to go.

Thanks for reading my crap. 40 pounds to go, mind starting to unfog, happiness on the horizon.

Life After Work: Denied

I applied for unemployment as soon as I was let go from my job. They say even if you earned money that week, or whatnot, to still turn in your weekly claim. They also said if you have some kind of medical condition that might inhibit your working, get a note from your doctors.

If you read my blog regularly, you will know that I suffer from Chronic Fatigue
Syndrome (CFS). I went to a naturopath and she said I have adrenal fatigue. Anyway, it's all severe fatigue. What is does to me is pretty much tire me out by early noon, force me to sleep, causes memory and focus issues, sometimes my joints and body hurts, basically, it sucks and I hate it.

So I got a note from my doctor that states that I can work, but only party time. No biggee, I've been working part time for 5 years now and it pays the bills. So, as I'm looking for jobs, I'm looking mostly for telecommute and part time jobs. Now, locally, marketing and writing are not hot commodities, that's why I'm looking for telecommute freelance work. I figure if I can get at least 2 of those jobs (okay, maybe 3), it will be like having 1 job.

Also, I'm still trying to start my own business and write and all that crap.

I get weekly mail from Unemployment stating that they're still trying to decide if I'm eligible. I figure, whatever, no big deal, as long as it starts coming in soon because I'm going to eventually run out of money if I can't find work asap.

Last week when I file my weekly claim, it says there's some kind of issue and I need to call the office. Fine. I try to call and it's nearly impossible, so I sent an email. I get an answer back that I still need to try to get a hold of someone by phone, but it looks like I screwed up on my first weeks claim.

A day after that I get a letter stating that I've been denied. WTF?!?  The denial comes from the fact my doctor hasn't cleared me for work and I have to be available for work.

Um...she did say I was cleared for work. Part time work.

So I finally get someone on the phone (they had to call me back because their phones were backed up for an hour and a half O.o) and she tells me that I have to be available to work 8 am to 6 pm M-F. I'm like, "I am." She tells me, no, I have to be available for full time work.

What kind of bullshit is that? I worked part time, paid into the system, my work isn't contesting it...

Because I have CFS? I'm perfectly capable of working a job as long as it's not over 5 hours a day.

I asked, so what are people with medical issues supposed to do? Go hungry? I

mean, I suppose I could apply for disability, but I CAN WORK! I suppose I'm eligible for that, but I don't feel right about it.

Anyway, she put my paperwork back through. If it doesn't go through this time I have to appeal. Meanwhile the bank account is dwindling away.

I mean, seriously, I'm a single mom of two teenagers who just lost her job. I'm not trying to work the system. I just want to get by until I can find something else! I actually want to work. I looked it up and it said that you could get unemployment if you worked part time. So what's the story? I cannot believe it's just because I have CFS. #discrimination.

So, anyway, that happened. We'll see if they'll accept it this time. If not, I get to go through the appeal process. Joy.