I am but a speck...

This morning I went to the funeral of one of my best friend's fathers. I remember him back when we were in high school and college as a commanding presence.  Boisterous, he would fill up a room when he walked in. I knew he was a Teamster.but other then that, I didn't know him at all.

As I listened to people talk about him, I learned more about the man behind the dad I met a few times. The boss that fought for employee rights, benefits and pay as a member, as secretary/treasurer, as vice president and president of a variety of Teamster committees, organizations, unions.

I learned about the philanthropist who donated his time as a board member of the Boys and Girls Club and the United Way.

I learned about the uncle, friend, father and brother who played football and baseball liked to fish and shoot guns by listening to stores, looking at pictures and seeing how many people were there to honor his life in the church this morning.

On my way home I received a text informing me that my father had been in a car accident and was at Tacoma General Hospital. Someone had ran a stop sign and plowed into the driver's side of his car at 40 miles per hour.

When I arrived at the hospital, my family was awaiting the CT scan results. My dad was in pain, he wore a neck brace and had a hematoma on his arm, but things could have been so much worse.

If things had been different, I don't think my dad would regret leaving this place as is, much like my friend's father. He has, in many ways, built a dynasty. His law practice has been up and running for over 25 years and he is one of the most respected attorneys in Washington State.

He went into this kind of law to defend the defenseless. His clients mean something to him. Many of his cases have helped make roads safer, the government more accountable, and helped numerous families put their lives back together after serious accidents.

He is the most generous man I know, willing to give to others, even to his own detriment, even if it means in the long run, he will receive less. He not only gives his money to numerous charities, but has helped many kids go to college, and has donated his time and energy to charities and organizations, politics and justice.

He worked numerous jobs to be able to get through college and law school, he was in the seminary, has traveled every state in America and all over the world, and wrote a novel. He is a lover of football and baseball, has supported just about every local sports team at one time or another including the Mariners, Seahawks, Rockets, Sabercats, Rainiers, and more.

He worked hard but still made us breakfast in the morning and didn't miss our soccer games, baseball games, and school concerts. He's been to his grandchildren's soccer games, football games, choir concerts, school auctions, band gigs, and plays.

He is kind and funny and intelligent and you don't have to take my word for it. Anyone who knows him will tell you in the legal world, his family, the community and his friends. He has kept the same group of friends since he was a child and made many more along the way.

These kinds of events, funerals, close calls, they make you think about life, mortality, your place in the universe...

Compared to these two men, I am but a speck. I look at their lives and I say to What have I done? In comparison, not much. I complain because I don't have time. Maybe time is subjective. Maybe I don't have time because I'm spending it unwisely. Because what I've thought is important, is in a word, not. I've  thought about doing some of the things these great men have done, but I've never actually done them.
myself:

I don't want to be a speck. I want to make a mark.

Less think, more do.

2013 accounting and 2014 intentions.

This year flew by. Seriously, I have no idea where it went. I feel like I was just doing I made the year before and see how I did and then set some goals for the next year.
resolutions
this. If you've not read my blog in December before, I like to go through the

But first, let's talk about the year. It's had its ups and downs...

1.  For the first couple months I continued to visit schools and talk about Never Eighteen and then I got sick and tired of it and decided it was time to work on getting something new out.
2. Never Eighteen was nominated for its first award, the New York City Reading Association's Charlotte Award. 
3. Never Eighteen got a book deal in Brazil.
4. Battled with my ex-agent over my film and movie rights. There was no winner, even though I have them now.
5. After querying approximately 3 agents I decided toke the plunge and indie publish. CRAZY!!
6. I took some amazing trips, Arizona with friends and my daughters, my first time to Vegas with a new friend, a few trips to the ocean, Lake Chelan.
7. Got to meet writer friends Taylor McCleve, Bettina Restrepo, Suzanne Lazear, and Liz Fichera, Jenny Milchman on my travels (or theirs). Forgive me if I forgot anyone!!
8. I've seen come great live music, small and big shows that included my daughter's band, and private show with Ian McFeron for my niece's birthday, the friend of a friend who plays some awesome Americana, my brother's band Smilin' Jack, Stephanie Anne Johnson, Pearl Jam...
9.  Dating, well, hmmm, it happened. Times were good, times weren't so good. Now they're great.
10. Both kids driving. Oy. Thing two gets her license next month.
11. One book edited, a new one started, and one...
12. ...Indie published!! Woot! A nerve wracking and awesome experience. Will I do it again? Hell yes!
13. I call this "The Year of Great Sleep".  If you've followed my blog, you know I've been having this health problem, and yes I call it a health problem, in which I have to sleep 2-3 hours a day, in the middle of the day which drives me nuts. I've done everything, tested everything and it's not diet, exercise or anything else. Trying a couple more things...frustrating.
14.  Read lots of good book. Lots for me at least, which is probably just a few for you, lets see, Divergent, Catching Fire, Mockingjay, Joe Peace, Cover of Snow...I'm pretty sure I've read more than that...those are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head.

Now, for the resolutions. Let's see how I did, and if I didn't succeed, how I will adjust in the upcoming year to try to achieve these goals.

Health:
Exercise 3-5 times a week. Eat healthier, cut down on my wine. Drop some weight. I didn't put a number on it. Quiet reflection 30 minutes a day.

Results -  HAHAHAHA. Just kidding. I did good with the exercise, kickboxing 3 times a week...until "The Year of Great Sleep" caught up with me. Then I just couldn't do it any more. I have started walking again though and it feels good. Eat healthier, for the most part. Cut down on wine, yes! Drop weight. I dropped it, then I picked it back up, then I dropped it again, then I picked it back up. I did that a couple times within the 10 pound range. Last time I checked I was down, but I'm pretty sure I've gained during the holidays so I've not checked, and I'm not going to until I fee liked I've dropped a couple pounds. Quiet reflection 30 minutes a day...EPIC FAIL.

2014 goal - Hope what I'm doing for "The Year of Great Sleep" works and keep walking and when I feel up to it, get back to kickboxing. Eat better. Cut out more sodium specifically. Stop eating popcorn for dinner and cook more. Considering going gluten free, but I REALLY like my half bagel in the morning with Laughing Cow cheese. Try to lose 10 pounds by my birthday in April. Quiet reflection for 10 minutes a day. Maybe that's more doable.

Writing:
Last year's goal was to finish my nano project and write 2 more books. And I was making decisions between these three things: 1) Entering ABNA 2) Self publishing 3) Finding an agent.

Results - I scrapped the nano project. I may pick it up at some point, but for now, it's Yay me!!
on the back burner. I have other projects I want to finish first. Write 2 more books? Was I completely insane when I wrote that? Drunk? Possessed by some kind of writing demon? HAHAHA yeah, that didn't happen. I did start one. I got up to 21k. Nothing to sneeze at. And of the last 3 items I did enter ABNA and of course I self published Dissected.
 
2013 goal - Definitely not to write 2 books this year. I know that's not going to happen. I do want to finish the one I'm writing. I would also like to self publish another in late summer early fall - my football book titled, Girl in Motion. And possibly edit my school shooting book and work on my dystopian series, though that's getting a little lofty.

Life:
Last year's goals -Better balancing work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life. Reading more, staying organized, travel more.


Results - I think I did worse with the balance this year than the previous and I blame that on "The Year of Great Sleep." You seriously have no idea how debilitating it's been. I do want to read more. I have certain books on my TBR list, Insurgent, I've been wanting to read some John Green, my friend Gae's 2nd book comes out and sounds amazeballs (I've already pre-ordered it), I have other friend's books to get to still...so many books, so little time. Organization, oy. Um, I think I was better although my office was messy from July to October. I bought a new desk and other furniture to get me organized. I have yet to put three more pieces together, but I'll get there. Travel more...I traveled as much as I could I think.

2014 goal - Balance...screw balance. I'm going to take these things one by one...

• Work - Who cares?
• Writing - An hour a day. I think I can promise myself that, can't I? It's not too much to ask of myself?
• Marketing - An hour a day. I may break this down even more, weekly tasks or monthly, like send out so many books or postcards, or do a live event a month, IDK yet. 
• Kids - My kids and I have already decided to commit one day a week to each other in which we have dinner and spend the evening together doing something, with no one else, just us.
• Organization - Um...I'll work on it. That's all I can say.
• Travel - Yes. I will be going to the ocean, in fact, I'm starting the year out there. I know there will be more trips to the ocean and I will be going to Arizona, Mexico, and Florida, these things are for sure. Other than that, I don't know. One of these days I want to take my daughters to NY. Before I am too old, I need to do my drive across the country. I've only been wanting to do it since I graduated high school. Maybe this should be the year. I should really do it before I'm 50 at least.

Love:
Last year's goals - To love myself and others to the best of my abilities. Remember that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but it is just a part of life, who I am, and who I will be. As long as I keep growing and learning from the mistakes I make, it's fine. Continue to trust in myself and others, but I also need to be more careful when doing this and know not everyone has my best interests at heart. And I will continue to let happiness happen.

Results - Let's see...hahaha, um, I tried really hard to love myself and sometimes I was hugely successful at it and sometimes I epically failed. It's pretty much impossible not to remember that I'm fallible and make mistakes. I've gotten used to it. Totally kidding, but yeah, I'm okay making mistakes. As humans we never stop growing and learning and I'm okay with that. I think I become a better more interesting person every year. And maybe even a little more profound. I don't know. happiness happen, I do, but I also

2014 goals - I pretty much love me for who I am. I think I'm a pretty cool cat. I'm crazy pants, but I think they help me appreciate when life is good and right. They remind me of times in which I was really low and how I don't ever want to go back there. I found a quote I love - "...but for the dark, we'd never see the stars." I've been writing it in Dissected when I sign it. As far as mistakes and fallibility go, I'm going to keep doing that and keep learning and growing as a person and keep feeling and experiencing life. Our mistakes, our experiences our adventures is what makes us interesting, unique. They are what give us stories to tell. Trust...who cares...if I want to throw my heart at someone, it's mine to throw. If they break it into tiny pieces and throw it back at me, it's just another of life's lessons learned the hard way and I have another story to tell.

Or maybe I'm just narcissistic to think that because, well, I am. I don't trust myself. Period. Pttthhh. I don't care. I do stupid stuff. I make bad decisions, mistakes. I'm okay with it. See sentences above. I trust others though, but I've become jaded and skeptical. I'm careful these days. And I let
like a little sadness from time to time.
smart, I'm funny, I'm adorable, but I do have moments of self loathing, but to be perfectly honest, in a way I like those moments and I think I need those low moments, as long as I don't have them too often. I don't know if this sounds completely

A few more goals I have:

• Smile more. :)
• Visit my parents at least once a week.
•  Learn patience or at least learn to breathe a little.
• Shut up and listen.
• Dance in my living room when no one's home.

I'll probably come up with more, but you're not supposed to take on too many resolutions or you're setting yourself up for failure. I blogged about that for the day job last week. That blog comes out on New Year's Eve. You should check it out.

Are you making resolutions? What are they?

Have a great New Years Eve and Day. Stay safe and sane.

F³A: I'll rest when I'm dead

People talk to me about my schedule quite a bit. They tell me I'm crazy, I need to slow down, I take on too much, spread myself too thin, while that's all well and good and at times I agree with them, I don't see any other way to survive.

Seriously, what other options do I have.

I've already talked about this in my relationship rant earlier (that was this week, right? Last week? Who knows anymore?)

I'm busy and I think I've finally figured out my afternoon sleep problems. I just have to get into the doctor and get it taken care of. I'd talk about it, but it's a little *cough* personal *cough*. But I've researched it and think I've solved the overtireness (yes it is a word, I just made it up) that will keep me from having to nap two to three hours a day so I can be more productive.

The important thing is, I always make time for me and for my friends. I make time to have fun and to live my life. It is not all about work.

AND this week has been a little weird and hellish, up and down. Lots of spending time in the rain and bitched out by a bitter, insecure woman, unfriended and blocked,  given a marriage proposition from across the globe, asked on a date by an ex boyfriend, and felt abandoned and lonely. However I've also felt flattered and sexy, accomplished a lot with my book this week, have witnesses some soccer wins.


I'm happy it's Friday and I'll be spending the evening with friends watching my brother's band, Smilin' Jack kick some serious funky ass while shaking mine. And if you watch The Voice (I don't) Stephanie Johnson who was on Tuesday night will be singing with them (she does some times and has an amazing voice, if you don't watch The Voice).

Wow, I think I just ranted again and had no intention to. I guess this week was mostly a ranting week. Oh well. Shit happens. Don't forget, to pre-order my friend Ian's book, enter to win Dissected, and read my preview (I realized my old one was from my proof copy and there were mistakes so I uploaded a new preview, should be no mistakes this time). Oh, hey and it's breast cancer awareness month, so go get a mammogram and be nice to your ladies.

Scribbles of the Week:
Pandora Queue Song: Such Great Heights by Postal Service on Postal Service Radio



Book of the Week: Going to go with Deep Six by Ian Thomas Healy. Like I said, go order it. Oh, and did I mention, these are not your children's superheroes.

Netflix of the Week: Breaking Bad Season 5. Had to get all caught up so I could watch the finale last Sunday. None of it disappointed. One of the best. Shows. Ever.

Quote of the Week: "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." ~ John Lennon