More accounting, more goals

 I actually found my goals from last year. I'm not sure I did a great job attaining
them, but let's see what I did get accomplished.

Life:
Last year's goals - screw balance and take things one by one.
Um, seriously, that was my goal. I am pretty sure I did that although some of the other stuff in this section...I'm not sure. Here they were...

• Work - Who cares?: Pretty much nailed that.
  
• Writing - An hour a day. Um, no. I mean technically, probably yes, but not fiction writing. Writing for work, proposals and no, I'm not even counting my social media, but not the writing I intended to do although I would almost guarantee I wrote more this year than last. My plan is to finish the book I'm writing and rewrite another.
• Marketing - An hour a day. Probably, though again, not the marketing I intended to do which was for my book, Dissected. The marketing I did was for my new business. I'll continue this.
• Kids - My kids and I have already decided to commit one day a week to each other in which we have dinner and spend the evening together doing something, with no one else, just us. Hahahaha. But seriously, Um...I blame them.
  
• Organization - Um...I'll work on it. That's all I can say. Pretty much all I can say for this year too. I'm just not an organized person. I mean, I know where all my piles are, and where the important things are in those piles, but...yeah.
• Travel - Yes. I did this: Ocean, AZ, Mexico, Florida, San Francisco...I'll try to keep it up this year. I love to travel. And I still have my dream to drive cross country. Anyone want to go with me?

Love:
2014 goals - If I want to throw my heart at someone, it's mine to throw. If they break it into tiny pieces and throw it back at me, it's just another of life's lessons learned the hard way and I have another story to tell. Er, I'm not sure that was exactly a goal. I went on and on in this one last year and made absolutely no sense.  Soooo, goal #1, love me first, everyone else second. Goal #2, as far as relationships are concerned, don't look for love, let it find me if it will. If it doesn't, just be happy and take advantage of the time alone to get things accomplished. What more can you do?

 
 
A few more goals I had last year:

• Smile more. :) - Maybe I did this? Who knows? I'll keep trying.
• Visit my parents at least once a week. Probably pretty close. Still intend to do so and throw in, make sure my kids visit them once a week. Life is shorter than we think. Show the people you love you care.
•  Learn patience or at least learn to breathe a little. Hahaha, er...okay, I'll try again this year.
  
• Shut up and listen. Yes. I think I do this. I think.
• Dance in my living room when no one's home. Um...I don't think I did this, but it's a good idea, so I'll try again.

Those were all last years. I think I will add one about Friendships - Handle them with care. Broaden my horizons more. Meet up with people I haven't for a while and try to meet new people. Don't let anyone define who I am. Don't let anyone bring you down. If a friendship isn't working or feels like it's one sided, end it.

Another goal is to Read More - I tried this last year. I'm really not sure how I did. I mean, I didn't read all the fiction I wanted to. I set out to read 12 works of fiction and that didn't happen. From my list, I did read...

• Insurgent
• Allegiant
• The Summer of Letting Go
• The Fault in our Stars
• 1/2 of the Bell Jar 

I stopped reading Bell Jar because I was in a bad place while reading it and it's not exactly a picker upper. I did throw an extra book in there that was not on my list, Grasshopper Jungle. Also, I read a ton of business books, so I would guarantee I read at least 12 books last year if not more.

So, I'm going to get back to the 12 fiction books again and here's my plan:

1. Finish the Bell Jar
2. Another John Green Book, don't know which one yet.
3. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn
4. Eleanor and Park - Rainbow Rowell
5. 100 Sideways Miles - Andrew Smith
6.  Anything one of my friends publish. If that happens.
7. Nothing Special - Geoff Herbach
8. Before I Fall -  Lauren Oliver
9. Very Bad Men  -  Harry Dolan
10. Noggin - John Corey Whaley
11. Go Ask Alice - Anonymous
12. Auracle - Gina Rosati

What are your goals for the next year? Have any reading goals? Where will life take you in 2015?

What pain are you willing to suffer?

There was an article in the Huffington Post by Mark Manson recently that posed this question. Actually his question was - what pain do you want? What pain do you want to sustain?

 This is in respect to our wants. He asks those question instead of the standard question -  what do you want out of life? This is because we all want the same things so they don't really mean anything. We all want to be happy and healthy.

I don't think anyone WANTS to suffer pain, so I ask what pain are you willing to suffer?  That is the real question, and perhaps the key to if we will achieve the things we want out of life and how successful we will be at those things.

Just about everything we do takes a certain amount of pain, suffering and sacrifice, doesn't it? Maybe not physical pain, but mental, emotional?

I used to be a stay at home mom. When my kids went to school, this allowed me a lot of time for writing. When I got divorced I had to get a job. This took away writing time, kid time, cleaning time, shopping time. Basically half my day was suddenly gone.

But, I still want to write, I still want to be a good mom and that takes a lot of work and it can be very stressful.

What pain am I willing to suffer for my craft, my kids, my job, my health, my home?

I don't sleep well. I can probably count on one hand the good night's sleep I've had in the last three months. I'm not sure what it is completely. It could be stress, it could be that my mind works overtime and just won't shut up, it could be something else entirely that we haven't figured out yet. I've tried numerous ways to stay asleep, and none of them work consistently.

Me time. I have no idea what that is, really. I go to work, I get to my kid's events, I come home and try to work at writing or marketing,  or I clean the house or run errands. I used to get massages and pedicures and get my hair did. I can't remember the last time I did any of those things.

I suffer exhaustion. This has been going on for close to a year now, and it's about more than just the lack of sleep or exercise because even when I sleep well and even when I was kickboxing regularly I was still having to take these crazy long naps during the day. I think I've pinpointed something, but not sure. I try to fight my way through my tired time, which is early afternoon, but even if I do, I'm pretty worthless unless I'm getting errands done. I can't really write or work through it.

I'm a broke bitch. I work part time. I make enough to get by. I could work full time, I certainly have enough to do at work, but I have writing goals. I want to be there for my kids while they're still around. But I can't take all the vacations I want or have everything I want.

My household. This includes my yard, garden, laundry, general cleaning filing...etc. It's all lacking. I keep my house as clean as possible. It's hard with 2 of my own kids and others coming and going often. I try to garden. I usually start off strong in the spring but get busy and have a fairly black thumb and things end up dying. My yard at times makes my house look like an abandoned crack house and the laundry gets washed, then ends up in a giant pile to fold. I try to get my kids to help, but ya know, they're teenagers.

My health. I eat well most the time but lately I've not been willing to suffer the pain of exercise to get that body I want. And it's not so much suffering the pain because I LOVE my kickboxing classes. It's a combination of time, exhaustion and laziness and I would truly put laziness in about 10% with the other two making up 45% each. I've actually lost weight lately, but I'm not toned. My goal is to get back to it, I've just not found the motivation yet.

I can't keep a relationship. Maybe I don't want to, I don't know. I certainly don't have time for one to get too serious, and it seems the men I meet are ready to move in and get married right now. I'm nowhere near that. I'd like a companion, someone to hang out with, but, they need to have a place to go home. And I need my own time. Time to write, time for my kids, time to hang out with my friends.

I sometimes feel like a bad mom. This is an all encompassing pain for me. Though I try not to miss a soccer game or music gig, there are still things I feel I lack and lately I have been missing them like crazy and I know that's not all on me. They are teenagers and have their own agendas, but lately I think they've been feeling that lack of connection too. I've not cooked a meal in ages, we haven't just sat down and watched a movie together in forever. We're taking a day today. And we've decided that at least once a week we will sit down and cook and have a meal together and watch a movie or do something.


 I guess those are my levels of suffering I endure  for what I want. But I wouldn't say I WANT that pain. I deal with it because it's what I need to do right now for what I want in life. But I'm hoping all of it changes. I mean, at what point do we stop suffering? At what point does it all come into fruition?

So what pain are you willing to suffer to accomplish your goals?

Monkey Madness Monday: 2013 Bring it on!

It's the end of another year. Yowza, was it crazy. Here's why:

1.  Debut, um, 'nuf said?
2.  Class of 2k12. One of the best things about the year.
3. My friends Gae and Annemarie visited from NY for my debut, other best thing that happened this year.
4. Had to get out of my comfort zone for the numerous school visits, bookstore and library events I participated in.
5. Marketing, ugh.
6.  Online dating, um, yeah, crazy would be a good word though doesn't quite grasp the absoluteness of the craziness.
7.  Parted ways with my agent, the quest to find a new one.
8. Both kids in high school. When the hell did I get that old?
9. Thing One driving, a blessing and a curse.
10. Awesome trips, AZ, NY, the ocean, Portland...
11. Two rewrites, two new books, no 2nd book deal. :( (not yet)
12. Insomnia. ARG!
13. Lots of good books read (okay, lots for me, which is probably a drop to some of you)
14. New BF. I think this one's a keeper. 

Now, for the resolutions. I like to compare the new with the old, see my successes, find my shortcomings, plan for the future accordingly. So here we go...


Health:
Last year's goals - exercise more, 3 days a week at least work up to 5 hopefully. Healthier eating habits. 30 minutes of quiet reflection a day.

Results -  I didn't entirely fail on my health goals. I did exercise more. I walked a lot, bought a bike and biked quite a bit when the weather was decent. I started kickboxing. I feel good about it. I'd say I did the 3 a week mostly. Didn't quite make it to 5, only some weeks. I still eat pretty healthy. Quiet reflection? Not so much.

2013 goal - Keep up with the exercise, 3-5 times a week. Keep up with the healthier eating, cut down on my wine *sheds tear*. While I didn't give myself a weight goal last year, I really would like to drop some weight. I'm not going to put a number on it, just going to leave it at that. Quiet reflection...hmmm...I think I'll try this again. 30 minutes a day, huh? I'll try.

Writing:
Last year's goals - Finish rewrite (Dissected), write 2 books. I know those are lofty goals, but I think I can do it if I set my mind to it, set priorities, and plan my time better.

Results - I finished the rewrite. I also finished a major rewrite of another book and wrote 30k at Nano toward another book. So I didn't quite reach the goal, but I still feel okay about it. The major rewrite was essentially like writing a whole new book, and 30k is nothing to sneeze at.


2013 goals - Finish nano project, write 2 more books. yes, again lofty, but if I put my mind to it, I know I can do it. I also need to make some decisions. I've been contemplating 1) Entering ABNA 2) Self publishing 3) Finding an agent. I need to shit or get off the pot. I truly believe you will see another novel by yours truly on the shelves within the next two years whether it's self published or no.

Life:
Last year's goals -Figuring out how to balance work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life. Reading more, staying organized, travel more.


Results - Balance? I think I did okay, though would like to do better.
I read. I actually, without realizing until just now, reached my goal of one a month. I know I read at least twelve books. Gathering Storm, Scarlet, May B., Velveteen, Breathe of Eyre, The Wicked and the Just, Breaking Beautiful, Love and Leftovers, Hunger Games, Okay for Now, Inside Out and Back Again, Hooked...look at that. That's thirteen. :) That's all I can remember and probably all I've read unless you count self help and diet books, which I don't.
Organization? Um, I just cleaned my office. It was bad. So I'd say no. Fail.
Travel. As you see from my above list, I got some places. I'm good with it.


2013 goals - Probably the same. Keep balance, keep reading, keep organized, keep traveling.

Love:
Last year's goals - To learn to love myself unconditionally, accept the things about me that cannot be changed, and try to change the things that are under my control. To accept that I am human and therefore fallible. Try not to be too hard on myself when I fail, trust myself as well as those around me. Instead of trying so hard to find happiness, I will let it seek me out.

Results - Well, love myself? Mostly I think. Accept and change, I suppose. Too hard on myself? Trust? I still have issues I suppose. Sometimes my behavior disappoints me. I can't help it. Others? I think I mostly trust others, but at times I'm too trusting. I let people take advantage of me, my heart, my generosity and kindness.  Letting happiness find me. I suppose I may have tried to hard at first, but then I let it go. And guess what, it found me and right now at this moment on the last day of 2012 I can truly say that while life can be frustrating and stressful...I am happy.  Happier then I've been for a very long time.


2013 goals - Continue to love myself and others to the best of my abilities. Remember that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but it is just a part of life, who I am, and who I will be. As long as I keep growing and learning from the mistakes I make, it's fine. I need to continue to trust in myself and others, but I also need to be more careful when doing this and now not everyone has my best interests at heart. And I will continue to let happiness happen.

Happy New Year all. I for one am excited for the new year. There are things churning in my world that I'm excited about and cannot wait for the new year to begin. It's my wish for you that 2013 be filled with adventure, hope, bliss, and love.

Stay safe and sane. Do your driving sober. Peace.

Life, Love, and Resolutions

I know people don't like to make resolutions, but I like to challenge myself to be better every single year (every single day). I did okay this last year, but I'm going to take it up a notch this year. I want 2012 to be epic.

Health: I will exercise more. This will include cardio (rule #1), weight training, and calisthenics. I'm going to start at 3 days per week, but hope to work up to 5.

I will take on healthier eating habits. I mean, I already do whole grain, low fat, etc, but I guess I'll have to take it up a notch. I don't know what this means yet, but I guess I'll have to figure it out.

I want to take 30 minutes of quiet a day to reflect. Hopefully this will help me to take the time to figure out what happened that day that needed change, what moments to celebrate. It will also give me the opportunity to regroup and plan for the next day.

Writing: If I don't finish this rewrite by the end of this year than that will be my first priority.

Aside from that I would like to write 2 books. I know those are lofty goals, but I think I can do it if I set my mind to it, set priorities, and plan my time better.

Life: Speaking of planning my time better, that is one of my goals, figuring out how to balance work, writing, kids, and all the other pleasures in life.

I want to read more. I did pretty good at the beginning of this year, but the end of the year was an epic fail. I think one book of month is doable. That is the goal I'm setting though I'm hoping for more.

Staying organized. This is a big challenge for me. My office is a complete mess (if you've been reading me, you'll know this because I've talked about it about every day for the last two weeks). My office at work is a mess. Even my writing style is all over the place. If I organize a few spaces in my life, I'm hoping everything else will fall into place.

I want to travel more and meet some of the friends I've made throughout the last few years.

Love: This is self love I'm talking about. I need to learn to love myself unconditionally. I need to accept the things about me that cannot be changed, and try to change the things that are under my control.

I need to accept that I am human and therefore fallible. There are times in which I'll succeed, there are times in which I will fail. If I fail I'll try not to be too hard on myself and just either try again or move forward.

I'm going to try to trust myself as well as those around me.

And this year, instead of trying so hard to find happiness, I will let it seek me out.

Basically, like I said before, I'm going to try to change the things I can, and let everything else fall into place. It's all I can do.

Happy New Year all. Stay safe and sane and don't die or kill someone else driving drunk. Peace.

Friend or Foe Friday

I've been inspired by so many lately, tis the season I suppose, I can't possibly name one person today.  There are my email writing friends who make me laugh every day and are always there when I need a sounding board.
 
There's my 2K11 group, basically we're all in this crazy rollercoaster that is the publishing biz together.  It's nice to have that kind of support.

Some of the people in my office went to the Red Cross Real Heroes Breakfast this morning.  I didn't go this time, but have in the past.  The people honored there are those who go out of their way or risk their lives to help someone else, a stranger even.  If that's not inspiring, I don't know what it.

Rusty also has been inspiring me to keep  my chin up and look at the good all around me.  If you read my post yesterday, he's the one who told me when I'm feeling down to think about what I'm thankful for and why.

Basically I'm surrounded by goodness, and people who have my back, and support me, and that makes me want to be that kind of person too.  Not just during the holiday season, but all year round.  Emerson has a wonderful quote.  "Scatter joy!"  That's what I want to do.  I don't always want to be the angsty writer, but the scatterer of joy, the sprinkler of bliss, the caster of rapture.

It's a choice.  We all have it.  I choose it. 


~Megan